20150406 - Fruits of the Gods Ch10 pt2 (1747) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are ambushed soon out of the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters come back to the camp the next morning, try out their magic, and with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.

Thanks for reading, and I welcome all comments.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Good description in the first paragraph, of both the sisters' attitude and the forest itself.

 

- I like Beli noting the concern Kisa has for Hbelu, and the shift from her previous distaste for the prince. Still, I think you should solidify exactly how Beli feels about the situation. She seemed to get along with the prince, yet she's pretty apathetic at this point. What does that say about her character?

 

- Good job showing the contrast between the sister. It's also interesting to see Kisa being the impulsive one for once.

 

"A nice measurable quantity, right?"  Kisa nodded and accepted the slice.  "You first.  I want to see you control the winds."  She waited until Kisa's hand was halfway to her mouth.  "At least more than you do with your snoring." - Your tags seemed to be getting mixed up here again. Since Beli and Kisa are the same gender, the use of "she" is a bit confusing.  I like the crack about snoring though

 

- All and all, I liked this chapter. I enjoyed the description of the Fruits' power as well as the general feeling of anticipation as the sisters reached their destination. I seriously can't wait to see what happens next! 

[Esaias he/him]

I don't really have much more to add. I agree with rdpulfer about Belili. She doesn't seem to care about what they're doing. Anyways, I'm liking the story so far.

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks!

 

Yes, I've had a few comments on use of pronouns.  I'll need to clear that up.

Belili is meant to be sort of aloof, but I agree, she's a little overboard here.  I'll correct that.

 

rdpulfer:  I'm caught up to the end of Blue Yonder--waiting for more!

[rdpulfer he/him]

Thanks Mandamon! I'm glad you liked it, but you might be waiting for a while - we're kind of on an extended hiatus. A lot of stuff happened . . . our artist quit . . . my writing partner's baby was born and job was lost in the same month . . . so we're slowly figuring it out. But thanks for reading!