20150316 - Fruits Of The Gods Ch9 Pt2 (3118) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days, and discover Kisare has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu.

Let me know what you think!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- We know how Belili feels about having magic hair, but how does Kisare feel about it? She thinks to herself, "Time to deal with that later", which seems to suggest she might be conflicted about it. It might be a good idea to expand on this.

 

- I do like Kisare's desire for an identity, and her frustration of having to go from a slave to a pretend "savage".

 

- I like seeing the scene between Hbelu and Bel play out from Kisare's fly-on-the-wall perspective.

 

- I really like the explanation of what the Olive does. It makes sense, since it's so much different than the other fruit.

 

- Good use of tension and action in the scene with Enti-IIzi. I was really frightened for both of the characters.

 

- I would have liked to have seen more action around Hbelu as he fights the guards. Most of the descriptions seems focused on why he was limited, which is good, but there's not enough description on what he's actually doing during the fight.

 

- Overall, I really enjoyed this scene. It was awesome to see the Fruit being used in an intense, action-packed scene. I can't wait to read the next one! 

[Esaias he/him]

This part was great. A few things:

 

She hardly paid attention to the landscape for the next while, she was so incensed, until

she dabbed at her forehead and found her fingers wet with sweat. She wasn't just hot from anger. She loosened the leather vest the Asha-Urmana had given her, letting the cotton shirt underneath breathe. She had seen the fluffy plant it was made from around the troop's village, but didn’t think much of it before getting the shirt. It was a weed around the Aricaba plantation. All those seeds and gristle in it--how could anyone do anything with it? But the inventive Asha-Urmana had a little hand-cranked machine that rolled the plant fiber into usable strips. The seeds popped right out the back. If she had to pick something she missed about their brief new home, it was all the curious machinery the Asha-Urmana owned. So much more…civilized than the nobles.

 

I think it would flow better if this paragraph was cut.

 

I think the characters should get to know Zikar better, so it’ll have a greater impact when he gets killed. It doesn’t have to be much, just enough to make a reader care.

 

I agree that more action for Hbelu would be nice.

 

I liked:

 

Kisare vs Hbelu

 

Kisare struggling with the idea of being free.

 

The magic fruit (I really like the magic system. Though I’m not sure if apple/orange/etc should be capitalized.)

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks to you both!

 

@ rdpulfer: I've had some other comments on using more "physical" fighting vs. magical.  I'm planning to add some more detail into the section with Hbelu

 

@gwslow: I agree it might be good to get to know Zikar better.  I'll work on that in the edit.

 

To both:   I see both of you like the magic system.  Is there any confusion or does it seem clear to you?  I've had comments from others that the magic is too complex.

[Esaias he/him]

I don't think it's too complex. Did those comments mention specifically what wasn't working for them (too many powers, not enough explanation, etc.)?

 

As far as I understand: A person with a certain hair color takes a bite out of a certain fruit and as long as the juice holds flavor (the more they use the power, the more the flavor fades) they gain a power that is determined by the hair color and type of fruit. 6 fruits and 5 hair colors (if I'm remembering correctly).

[rdpulfer he/him]

I agree with gwslow. I don't think it's too complex either. Also, so far into the story, the emphasis has been on the Fruit itself, while hair color has somewhat been in the background, since Beli has realized her gift and Kisare has just discovered her. So far, I don't think it's too complex at all. 

 

It might be good to mention the fruits and hair colors a little more so the reader doesn't lose sight, but overall, I think it's been handled well.

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks to you both for the comments.  Glad to know you've got it (gwslow, you're exactly right on the numbers and explanation).

 

I've had two other readers that I don't think got the relation between one hair color / one Fruit type / one power, and are confused as to which power is activated.  Maybe as rdpulfer says I should make more repetition of what hair does what.

 

There is actually an appendix in the back of the book with the entire chart written out, but it's a little spoilery for the end of the book and I wanted to see if readers had trouble following.

 

Glad to see some different reactions!  Thanks again.