24/09/2012 - Ria Raen - The Last Bastion Prologue (part one)

[Ria Raen she/her]

Hello, well I hope some of you managed to read a little without it burning your eyes out :)Please give this a good going over, I need all the help I can get... feeling a little lost right now and I need some stern stern guidance.

[Glaring at the Survivor he/him]

That wasn't too bad, actually.

Well, let's see...

I think you might be able to add a little about the world so we know where it is—just don't add too much or it'll… be too much.

Good storyline. Just be wary and make sure you don't say too much about any specific thing in one area. You got close one time. And maybe speed up things a little.

You had a good cliff-hanger. I can't wait to read more.

Also, add (L) to the end of the subject line in your email and your post if the story has language that may be innapropriate for young children, who may or may not be receiving these emails.

Edited September 25, 2012 by Stroniax

[Mandamon he/him]

This was pretty good, overall. The concept drew me in, and you included enough history and worldbuilding to get my attention without infodumping too much. However, I have to say the writing itself is pretty raw. There are a lot of comma and apostrophe errors, one POV error, and it chops up the writing enough that it's hard to read. All these are technical things that can be fixed, so keep working on the story--I want to see more! (And as I see more, I can give you a better opinion on what I think of the story as a whole...)

More precise examples:

There were lots of commas that grammatically need to be periods or semicolons.

For example

"His voice hushed, too quiet to be heard by the rest of the guard moving into position, not all approved of Padricks love of words."

Goes to-

"His voice hushed, too quiet to be heard by the rest of the guard moving into position. Not all approved of Padricks love of words."

The POV error was at the end of pg1. You are looking from Hadera's POV, and then go to Thomas at the beginning of pg 2

Minor note,

There was a page and a half of talking, then a page and a half of exposition. Both parts were good, but a little too long on each "subject." The Writing Excuses crowd talks about this sometimes in how your prose should flow. Try to interweave the two a little more.

On page 4, there were lots of commas and apostrophes missing:

“Look here they come Thomas. What can you see?”

Thomas had been a Gladiators attendant before he left the Capital of Delrhien.

...his duty to watch and observe the arenas contenders...

and so on.

I'm looking forward to what happens to those who come through the gate, and why it's there in the first place!

[Ria Raen she/her]

Hey guys thank you for reading

@Stroniax: Thank you for the feedback, I was wondering which part became close to talking to much about a specific thing? one of my big chunks if exposition i'm guessing! I will try and trim the fat on those parts, get the pace goinga bit more. I didn't receive your story, i'm not sure I was added to the list in time. I will pm you my email if you want to send it over for some feedback.

@Mandamon: Thank you for the POV error, I think I have re-read this piece to many times now and that one completely escaped me!I am a grammar fail, once I have added some more to the piece I will get it all corrected (by a less grammar fail friend). But thank you for pointing out which bits as it helps me learn.

I can see what you mean about the exposition vs dialogue, I am going to take a go at integrating the two later, see what happens! I find I go through phases of being able to write one or the other and thus large chunks are born. I am glad the story kept you, hopefully the next piece will keep your interest and answer some questions!

Thanks for taking the time peeps, helps so much

[cjhuitt he/him]

The POV error was at the end of pg1. You are looking from Hadera's POV, and then go to Thomas at the beginning of pg 2

Personally, I'm kind of picky about POV, and I thought there were multiple POVs and switches, though I'll grant you the first ones I found are subtle and tie in to another possible problem: right at the beginning of the piece, I don't know who's POV I'm supposed to be in. Padrick is talking at the beginning, so I started off supposing it was him. Then Young Thomas had a quiet frown, which was the subtle thing I was talking about. Since Padrick's paragraph didn't contain any hint of POV, I'm willing to skip to someone else's perspective, and here the paragraph for Young Thomas has a hint of POV. It's just a hint -- that "quiet" frown -- but in combination with the fact that POV is almost always established early, it's enough to make me think that Thomas is the POV. The only problem with that is that he probably doesn't think of himself as "Young" Thomas, but I chalked that (and the first paragraph never mentioning him) as minor flaws to be corrected.

Right after I had decided that (in a snap judgement that takes much longer to explain than describe), I had the feeling that the POV switched (back?) to Padrick in the next paragraph. This was partly because a "wicked" grin implies intent, but mostly because he "had seen the gate open and close more times than he could count" (missing a period there, BTW). So at this point I made another snap judgement and thought that Padrick was the POV after all, since that would fit with the general tradition of leading a section with the POV character being the first character mentioned. That would make Young Thomas' "quiet frown" either a subtle POV error or an unlikely description from the feeling I'm getting from Padrick's character, but not too far out of bounds for a rough draft.

Then of course, a few paragraphs without POV, and wham! We're in the POV of Commander Hadera. At this point, I'm both a) sure the POV is supposed to be Hadera's, and giving up, shrugging my shoulders, and assuming this is omniscient after all. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's established in the first page (3 potential POVs in 6 paragraphs), so I think I was wrong to assume a 3rd person POV, and read the rest of the prologue as omniscient. In fact, until I read your response to the possible POV error, I was only going to mention smoothing the POV shifts a little to make the transition smoother for the reader, rather than point out potential errors.

The feel of omniscient is enhanced by Commander Hadera's perspective always referring to him by title. It's a rare person who thinks of themselves with a title, and it puts some distance between the reader and the POV character.

Beyond that, I'll echo what the other's said. It's a good start, but spend some time trimming the exposition and interleaving it where you can. Also, have a good look for spelling (I saw Hadero at least once) and grammar mistakes.

[akoebel]

I was also convinced this was written in omniscient (which I do not like). If this is not omniscient, you must add explicit indications about who is the POV character or the reader will be unsure who to care about.

The flow of paragraphs seemed a bit out of order to me, but this might be my reaction to flashbacks.

The character of Thomas seems to evolve : in the first page, he seems like the greenest recruit there is, but we learn a few paragraphs later that he's a seasoned guard so his first remarks looked a bit out of place.

Aside from that, the piece felt good with enough exposition to make me understand what was happening and lots of conflict. At this point, I very much want to read the rest.

[Ria Raen she/her]

Thank you for the help guys you have given me lots to ponder! This chapter is meant to be Thomas's POV I was aiming for Third Person limited. But now I can see some fatal errors. Hadera does indeed seem to be putting in his pennies worth thought wise, so I am going to have to fix that. Thank you for clearing up the POV errors I will go back to the beginning and try to tie it all into Thomas's POV properly. Its amazing how when you are writing away these things don't jump out at you!