20150302 - Fruits Of The Gods Ch8 Pt1 (2015) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

The story so far...

 

Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has some brown hair, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his guards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.

 

 

Thanks!

[rdpulfer he/him]

There's a lot of Beli's voice in this chapter, which is a good thing in my opinion There are a few places where I worry it's unclear if it's Beli or the author talking, like "It was hard for her sister to transition to freedom". On the other hand, I love it when Beli notes her sister is always contrary.

 

I'm really missing the conversation where Beli sold Kisa on this plan. We've seen every step of their escape so far, and it feels a little anticlimactic for Beli just to tell Heblu that they are now in agreement. 

 

Good use of Heblu's facial expression. This has me wondering what he's thinking . . . and what he could have planned for either or both of the sisters.

 

This might be silly, but I kinda wanted to see the hedgehog too. It also might be a good way to establish the nature of this world - especially if Beli's newly discovered magic has any effect on it.

 

The ending also feels a little anticlimactic, especially in a chapter which has been so rich with Beli's voice and thoughts.

 

That said, I'm really excited to see what is coming next now that we have the beginnings of a team set up. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback!

This is very much a transition chapter, and had some other comments that it's sort of anticlimactic.  However, this is part 1, so there is another section to this chapter!

 

On Hbelu's facial expression.  Funny.  That was actually a late add, because someone else said they couldn't tell what he was thinking.

 

I did think about writing out the argument, but at this point writing, I wanted to get on to the next section.  Maybe that section will come back in the revisions.

 

I think this is also were I really started to like Belili as a character, so that's probably why it's sop heavy on her internal monologue.  That's a good catch, and something I'll have to make sure I'm consistent on in the edits.