Gesundheit

[+Slowswift]

This is a (very) short story I wrote last year for my creative writing class, and I thought I'd share it with all of you.

 

Comments and criticism are welcome. Please keep in mind that this version hasn't been revised much.

 

 

 

Gesundheit

Edited February 27, 2015 by Slowswift

[Lindel he/him]

I like it! Fun characters, amusing concept. Twinkle kinda reminds me of Nightblood. No major critiques from me.

 

"eyes watering and covered in blankets," sounds like his eyes are covered in blankets. Not sure if that's what you envisioned. There's probably a better way of describing what you mean here. Maybe show Fred untangling himself instead of telling us he's covered in blankets?

[ChullRider he/him]

Love it! Keep revising it, maybe add some more story to it, and perhaps get it published. I also agree with what Lindel said, the part about Nightblood. 

[+Slowswift]

@Lindel: Glad you enjoyed it!

 

I can't remember if I was intentionally going for a Nightblood vibe or not, but yes, the two are similar! 

 

I suppose it does rather seem like his eyes are covered in blankets. Huh. 

 

@ChullRider: Thanks! 

 

Publishing, though... perhaps once I've written more short stories, I can publish a collection. We'll see. 

[ChullRider he/him]

 

@Lindel: Glad you enjoyed it!

 

I can't remember if I was intentionally going for a Nightblood vibe or not, but yes, the two are similar! 

 

I suppose it does rather seem like his eyes are covered in blankets. Huh. 

 

@ChullRider: Thanks! 

 

Publishing, though... perhaps once I've written more short stories, I can publish a collection. We'll see. 

 

That's not such a bad idea. Keep on making those short stories, though. They're great!