Best Football Players of the Cosmere and Beyond!

[Lord Pifferdoo he/him]

In the spirit of the American tradition of watching a bunch of dudes give each other concussions on live television, I thought of a most elegant topic to post. 

 

Which one of Brandon's many characters would be the best at American Football? All powers and/or hallucinations are allowed.

 

I'm torn between Kaladin (or any Windrunner really) and Elend, just because he could use his raw allomantic power to push all the opponents away. 

[Kobold King he/him]

Steelheart. I don't know any of the rules for American Football, but somehow I suspect that flight, invulnerability, super strength, and the ability to fire lethal energy blasts from one's hands would come in handy over the course of the game.

 

Also, he could turn the ball into steel and then throw it at someone's skull. I'm sure that would come in handy.

[Curiosity he/him]

I wonder who Nightblood would think was evil in this case. 

 

The Patriots? The Seahawks?

 

The refs?

 

The halftime show?

[Lord Pifferdoo he/him]

The costume assigners from the eyes of whoever had to be a palm tree?

[Unhinged he/him]

Also, he could turn the ball into steel and then throw it at someone's skull. I'm sure that would come in handy.

 

Of course if he turned the ball to steel then Vin or Elend could just push and pull the ball around to get it up the field for a touchdown. and any lurcher on the opposite team could always get an interception.

 

 

On a side note Cosmere sports is an awesome idea why didn't anyone think of this before?

[Lord Pifferdoo he/him]

I feel like it would end up a lot like Calvin-ball, but the only one making the rules would be Hoid.

[Kipper he/him]

I wonder who Nightblood would think was evil in this case. 

 

The Patriots? The Seahawks?

 

The refs?

 

The halftime show?

Katy Perry on the lion.

And I think Kelsier would win, because he plays dirty.

[Peng the Just he/him]

Steelheart. I don't know any of the rules for American Football, but somehow I suspect that flight, invulnerability, super strength, and the ability to fire lethal energy blasts from one's hands would come in handy over the course of the game.

 

Also, he could turn the ball into steel and then throw it at someone's skull. I'm sure that would come in handy.

Ain't no rules that say a dog can't play football you can't beat in your opponents' skulls with the ball.

[Edgedancer he/him]

I´m not sure whether Prof or Obliteration would be a better choice. Obliteration can simply take the ball and teleport into the touchdown range, while Prof could form a forcefield around the ball and levitate it to score points. It probably doesn´t hurt that both can kill almost anything else in the field.

[Fatebreaker he/him]

I feel like it would end up a lot like Calvin-ball, but the only one making the rules would be Hoid.

 

When asked what they were he'd reply with PAFO

(Play And Find Out)

[Cheese United he/him]

The Awakeners would face a lot of hate, becuase everyone would think they've awakend the ball with the command "spiral"

[Titan Arum]

I think Adolin would be your classic "jock" and probably plays American football in the fall, basketball/real football in the winter, and baseball/cricket in the spring. He probably tries to get some time in Australia to play footy too, during their winter and the northern hemisphere's summer. On rainy days he plays snooker and darts. When he retires he'll become a lawn bowler, drinking scotch. 

[Kipper he/him]

I think Adolin would be your classic "jock" and probably plays American football in the fall, basketball/real football in the winter, and baseball/cricket in the spring. He probably tries to get some time in Australia to play footy too, during their winter and the northern hemisphere's summer. On rainy days he plays snooker and darts. When he retires he'll become a lawn bowler, drinking scotch.

American football is real football.

[Titan Arum]

Bao Bao, as an American who is a fan of both footballs, I'd call soccer the real version for many reasons. First, the foot is used more frequently in soccer than in American football. Second, soccer is older than American football as a sport and significantly more popular. Thus, there's probably a stronger argument for that being the "real football". Both of these reasons are why I called soccer the real football. Also, I'm sure our international friends in the 17th would not agree with your assessment since American football isn't widely watched outside of, well, the US.

Edited February 2, 2015 by Titan Arum

[Lord Pifferdoo he/him]

[Kipper he/him]

Well, you didn't have to downvote me.

Anyway, I was just saying that because in America, "football" is called soccer.

Edit: Too bad I didn't change my name to Bao Bao. Maybe I'll think about it.

Edited February 2, 2015 by Snoopy

[Titan Arum]

Well, you didn't have to downvote me.

Anyway, I was just saying that because in America, "football" is called soccer.

Edit: Too bad I didn't change my name to Bao Bao. Maybe I'll think about it.

Bao Bao, I didn't downvote you. That must have been someone else. I've upvoted this comment to counter it. I don't want you to think that that is something I would do, because it's not!

I agree with you that we do call "football" soccer. I initially wrote my post calling it football to appease all of the non-Americans on the 17th. On a day to day basis, it's soccer to me!

-PS, why'd you change your name to Snoopy? I'm obviously missing something here!

Lord Pifferdoo:

Ha! As an American, I love that post. However, I have a few quibbles with the pictures

1) That's Beckham's ankle.

2) That's Emmitt Smith's forearm or elbow

3) A Cowboy? A Cowboy?!?! You could've used ANY other player and I'd be okay with it! But a Cowboy?! (Even though I have to admit that Emmitt Smith was probably the original Beast Mode)

Edited February 3, 2015 by Titan Arum

[Kipper he/him]

@Titan

InexorablePanda was always a placeholder until I thought of a better name. It just seems like it's been that way forever because I've had an incredibly high volume of posts in the three weeks I've been here, compared to most. I think it will stay as Snoopy. Although Bao Bao does sound very nice...

[Unhinged he/him]

I can see this game taking shape 
 
1st Announcer: "Well folks things have not been going well for the epics since the second half began and after getting just beat down in a brutal tackle by a Koloss the epics quarterback Steelheart got angry and turned the field and everything on it to steel". 
2nd Announcer: "Yes that wouldn't be a problem normally but against a team like the Allomancers you just cant make a mistake like that and expect to get away with it. they've had to watch their lead dwindle and now they only lead by one touchdown but with just a few minutes to go we'll see if they can hang on".
1st Announcer: "And the ball is snapped to Steelheart who fly's at the goal but wait Kelsier pulls the ball away from him and takes off pulling himself towards the other end of the field and, ohhhh Phaedrus takes him out with a brilliant flying tackle the ball is fumbled and it's picked up by Vin but before she can lash herself out of the way Obliteration appears and grabs it out of her hands and ouch she's been burned to a crisp and it looks like that'll be it folks unless a miracle occurs here once obliteration materializes the Epics will be to far ahead for the Allomancers to catch up and we see Elend crying out to her but she's not responding".
2nd Announcer: "Hold on a second what's going on the mists seem to be entering Vins body whats happening... her body it just melted away and Obliteration Appeared over the touchdown zone but he's not landing what on Scadrial is happening here"?
1st Announcer: "He's moving towards the Epics goal he can't seem to teleport away and none of the other epics can seems to even stop him. the ball is pulled out of his hands by Elend who runs, he's at the 30 the 20 the 10  Touchdown!"
2nd Announcer: "It's Preservation, Vin's ascended!".
1st Announcer: "Oh the epics are in for it now they're away from home and can't call on calamity to save them from this one".

2nd Announcer: And with a gods help they easily make the two point conversion and will advance to the Cosmere bowl were they'll face the Radiants for the championship.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Unhinged

[kinxer he/him]

I can see this game taking shape 

 

1st Announcer: "Well folks things have not been going well for the epics since the second half began and after getting just beat down in a brutal tackle by a Koloss the epics quarterback Steelheart got angry and turned the field and everything on it to steel". 

2nd Announcer: "Yes that wouldn't be a problem normally but against a team like the Allomancers you just cant make a mistake like that and expect to get away with it. they've had to watch their lead dwindle and now they only lead by one touchdown but with just a few minutes to go we'll see if they can hang on".

1st Announcer: "And the ball is snapped to Steelheart who fly's at the goal but wait Kelsier pulls the ball away from him and takes off pulling himself towards the other end of the field and, ohhhh Phaedrus takes him out with a brilliant flying tackle the ball is fumbled and it's picked up by Vin but before she can lash herself out of the way Obliteration appears and grabs it out of her hands and ouch she's been burned to a crisp and it looks like that'll be it folks unless a miracle occurs here once obliteration materializes the Epics will be to far ahead for the Allomancers to catch up and we see Elend crying out to her but she's not responding".

2nd Announcer: "Hold on a second what's going on the mists seem to be entering Vins body whats happening... her body it just melted away and Obliteration Appeared over the touchdown zone but he's not landing what on earth is happening here"?

1st Announcer: "He's moving towards the Epics goal he can't seem to teleport away and none of the other epics can seems to even stop him. the ball is yanked out of his hands by Elend who runs, he's at the 30 the 20 the 10  Touchdown"!

2nd Announcer: "It's Preservation Vin's ascended that's the only explanation".

1st Announcer: "Oh the epics are in for it now their away from home and can't call on calamity to save them from this one".

2nd Announcer: And with a gods help they easily make the two point conversion and will advance to the Cosmere bowl were they'll face the Radiants for the championship.

That was wonderful. Thank you.

 

Also, the antagonists from Scadrial would have a solid team. "And Miles Hundredlives just got shot with an blast of energy from Steelheart, but I'm not sure he even knows it happened yet! And he has the touchdown!"

 

Or a Shard team. "Harmony and Odium are butting heads over Odium's decision, but the enormous storm is certainly taking the ball down the field. And there goes the roof, Andy. I think it's time to commentate from the bunker."

[Unhinged he/him]

That was wonderful. Thank you.

 

You're welcome. I'm thinking of writing about the other semifinal game where the Radiants take on the Awakeners/the Returned. I just cant decide whose side Nightblood will be on.

 

Give me a little while and I'll come up with something.

 

Edit: OK I am having way to much fun writing this.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Unhinged

[Gaelan he/him]

Excuse me, but it is known that the best team would be made out of sticks. They would have like absolute self-confidence on their actions and a strong philosophy: They are sticks. Nothing less, nothing more.

 

Just imagine how crazy would the teamplay be 

[Curiosity he/him]

"Going into the last quarter down ten points, what was going through your head?"

 

"I am a stick."

[Titan Arum]

Ha. The stick would sound just like Marshawn Lynch and his "I'm here so I won't get fined".

Reporter 1: That was an amazing one-sticked catch you made in the 3rd quarter, how do you practice something like that?

Stick: I am a stick.

Reporter 2: Your teammates really rallied there in the 4th to overcome the Epics. How did you guys do it?

Stick: I am a stick.

Reporter 3: The media have complained to the league that you don't go along with press conferences well. Why do you always give the same answer?

Stick: I am a stick.

Reporter 4: We get that. Why, though?

Stick: ... I. Am. A. Stick.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Titan Arum

[Unhinged he/him]

Alright I figured I should post this today here's the first quarter of the Radiants versus the Awakeners.

 

Announcer 1: "And here we are folks a beautiful day here at Endowment stadium in the heart of downtown Hallandren were we're set to watch the Rosharian Radiants take on the Nalthis Awakeners." 

 

Announcer 2: "Yes that's right Bob and here the teams enter the stadium and the big question that the Awakeners are probably asking themselves is if they have enough breath to make it through the game. And even if they manage to win here will they be able to replenish their stores before the Cosmere bowl? And while we've been talking it looks like the Awakeners have elected to receive the ball first."

 

Announcer 1: "And that's a beautiful stormlight enhanced kick from Jasnah and down the field it goes and it's gonna be caught by Lightsong who runs up the field and, is taken down by Szeth on the 30 yard line... And it's snapped to team captian Vasher who pauses to do something probably trying to awaken the ball before he is tackled at the 25 by Adolin." 

 

Announcer 2: "Now the big question here is was awakening the ball worth losing the yards there I mean obviously Vasher seems to think so but you have to wonder?"

 

Announcer 1: "And there's the snap and Vasher looks for someone, he throws and the ball looks like it's going for Blushweaver but Adolin is all over her, by endowment the ball just did a 70 degree turn and flew strait for Vivenna who makes the catch and runs look at her go that awakened clothing speeding her up and she is moving down the field and she's brought down by Szeth at the Radiants 40."

 

Announcer 2: " looks like the awakening paid off Vasher must have said fly to Vivenna there what a brilliant play he caught the Radiants completely off guard with that one. You've also got to question what the Radiants are thinking using Szeth like that, at this rate he’s going to burn through his stormlight way before this drive ends

 

Announcer 1: "And here's the snap and it looks like the Awakeners are going to try and run the ball Vasher hands it off to Susebron who plows right through the Radiant line scattering the linebackers like they weren't even wearing shardplate. And no one seems to be able to stop him as he drives his way through the line with the help of Vashers lifeless."

 

Announcer 2:  "Yes those stone bodies just aren't something that you can stop easily even with shards. And with all that awakened cloth on Susebron there’s nothing the Rosharians can do as he makes the first touchdown of the night for the Awakeners"...  "And it looks like with a command of go in goal Vasher sinks the extra point. making the score seven nothing Awakeners.""

 

Announcer 1: " As there lining up you have to wonder what’s going through the Radients heads right now they just gave up the first points of the night and they really couldn’t do much to stop the Awakeners from scoring them is this going to affect how they play the rest of the night. And here's the kickoff and it's going and it's a fair catch by Lift, she's running and she slides between two lifeless then slips right under Susebron." 

 

Announcer 2: "Look at this girl go she slips under around over, the Awakeners just can't stop her. She breaks free from the pack Vasher and Vivenna are trying to close the gap on her but she's just too awesome for them to touch and she's at the 40, the 30 the 20, Vivenna makes a desperate lunge but no! she slides right of Lift's arm and what an incredible return Touchdown Radiants!"

 

Announcer 1: "And it looks like Jasnah makes the kick and it's going to be a tie game seven to seven at the end of the first quarter."

 

I'll try to write the rest of the game later but I'm having a hard time coming up with plays for the Awakeners so i'm open to suggestions.