20141215 - Fruits of the Gods Ch4 pt1 (2816) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

All,
    Here is part 1 of chapter 4 of "Fruits of the Gods."  Belili and Kisare are attempting to escape the plantation.
If you haven't read any before and are completely confused, I'm happy to send out previous chapters.  Otherwise, let me have it! 

[Lord Juugatsu]

For better or worse, I don't think I have a whole lot of commentary this time around. I feel I've gotten used to Belili and Kisare, coupled with them being predominantly the only characters present in the chapter (part 1), it was easy to follow that we were behind Belili's PoV. I'm going to default to my fallback that there's very likely room for clean up to make things a little more clear or concise, but wordsmithing is something that I just feel can typically be improved in most situations from first revisions

One thing in particular I liked was the additional information on the magic system, hair color in relation to the magic. Certain colors predetermine your constraints with the magic. It definitely opens up some interesting things you could play with, such as feigning nobility with colored dyes, or bluffing a certain type of magic only to use another, etc.

I've also been generally satisfied with the younger/older sister relationship being done in such a way that they more or less have no issues with playing on one another's strengths, and when we're behind Kisare's PoV, she feels pretty dominant in the relationship, while in Belili's PoV, she still definitely feels like an older sister. The both feel like they're taking care of the other one when we're behind their respective viewpoints.

One thing I didn't like too much was how this only part one of chapter 4, but that's not a story thing, per say. It does make the end of the section feel rather abrupt however. Let me know if you have anything you want me to be more critical on or if you have any specific concerns, otherwise, I think this was a good part 1 of the chapter.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Lord Juugatsu

[Sprouts]

I'll preface this by saying that I have not read the prior submissions of this story, though I may go back and read through them now.

 

I was pulled into the chapter very effectively with the dialogue about escaping.  Escapes tend to be naturally interesting and you pulled it off well.  

 

The confrontation with Zima, the guard, was well done, though I had trouble visualizing what exactly her pulling at the earth with the Apple did. I also thought him killing himself when he struggled up from the ground was a bit convenient.  It works.  But I feel Belili having the decision on killing him taken away from her kind of defused the situation a little.

 

From what I understand, based on this chapter, I really like your idea with the hair colors and fruits, it's very original and for the most part easy-to-visualize.  A little more description on what she did with the earth and it'd be solid.

 

Early on in the chapter Belili mentions that she got stabbed, and it impedes her ability to walk.  The description of the knife tearing as it pulled out made it seem pretty serious.  However, as the chapter proceeds she mentions it less and less.  I'd think that a slave, not conditioned to hiking miles and miles would have some serious issues when hiking in the dark with a serious knife wound.  However, some of my confusion her is likely due to having not read the actual scene of the stabbing, so I'm not entirely certain on all the details.

 

Reading through some previous critiques of older chapters it seems as if people had minor issues with differences with the sisters.  For the most part I didn't have any trouble with that.  By the end of the chapter I had a decently clear image of each in my head, and the differences between the two.  From what I can see, the younger sister seems to be more competent, at least in the current setting. Which is a nice change of pace.  I am assuming that the magical apple powers of Belili will raise her competency as the story progresses.

 

Overall, I liked it.  Read it straight through without stumbling upon any readability issues, as sometimes happens.  The plot was engaging, the characters were interesting, and the magic was cool.  Good job

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks both for the comments!

I'm glad the sisters are becoming more comfortable for readers now.  I struggle to make sure they are separate people, but it seems like that's getting easier as the story goes along.  

 

@ Juugatsu - thanks for the comments on the magic.  Both of the "deceptions" you mention do get used later on in the book (I'm currently writing chapter so I'm glad you're seeing the possibilities already.  Also sorry for breaking this up.  This is the longest chapter in the book, so far, and goes over 5000 words.

 

@ Sprouts - also thanks to you on the comments!  Glad you could jump into it with little problem.  I had someone else mention Zima's death was kind of convenient, so I'll need to edit that later.  That and the description of the magic.  I also agree about the knife wound.  I'm trying to get the balance right between "wounded" and "too wounded to walk."

[Mark]

Not much to say about this one, which is good. I liked it. An escape is always fun, and you handled the suspend very well. The fact that Zima raped Belili was a definite curve ball, and added another layer. Very dark stuff. 

 

Okay, onto the two problems I have. "clapped him across the forehead" is the first. You've just had this guy admit to raping a girl, I don't think there's any need to skirt on the details of him getting smacked with a stone. Surely there's a more... brutal word than 'clapped'? 

 

"pulled the earth beneath the man." is the other. Not a very big issue, but something that jumped out at me a bit when I was reading. I'm picturing it as a sinkhole, but I'm not entirely sure. Maybe there's a way for you to create a clearer image in the reader's mind?

 

That's pretty much it. Very good stuff. On to the next one!