Reading Excuses - 12/15/14 - LerroyJenkins - Fractured Ch1-2 (V)(D)

[LerroyJenkins he/him]

This is my second submission of Fractured. There is a quick summary I sent with the email, if you read that you'll be mostly caught up. I'm looking for any critiques anyone has to offer, including grammar and spelling catches. But I'd particularly love it if everyone who reads it would tell me this:

 

• Genre: I didn't make it very clear in my prologue, so please tell me what you gather about the setting
• Characters: thoughts on likes, dislikes, whether or not they seem three dimensional
• Pacing: My biggest concern is info-dumping, which is all ch1 was before I revised it
• Magic: tell me powers you spot and thoughts on them(this is something that I'll care more about in later chapters, for now you'll just get your feet wet)
• Whatever: you guys are all really good at critiques, tell me anything! 

Edited December 15, 2014 by LerroyJenkins

[Mandamon he/him]

I wrote the below before looking at your questions. I think I handled "Magic" pretty thoroughly, so here's my impressions on the other ones:

 

--The genre is much clearer here than the first time around.  I get the more or less standard medieval setting.

--I didn't have any problems with the characters.  They interacted normally to me.

--Pacing: There's not a lot of info-dumping, which is good.  I thought the pacing was very smooth.  You may have gone too far the other direction on the info-dumping in terms of magic, as I expound about below...

 

-------------------------------

 

The flow and writing is good for both of these chapters (there's an errant "chapter 3" stuck in the middle) and it kept me reading.  You've obviously got a lot of worldbuilding behind it, but there are a few places it doesn't work quite right, as highlighted below.

 

Chapter 1:

I'm interested so far.  I think I remember the prologue (looked back at the archives and it was in March!), but this doesn't seem to have a lot of overlap, so I'm not missing anything by not remembering.

 

You have enough description of the Brutes for me to understand what they are (not that I know why or how yet, but I assume that will come).  There's some good action to show what they are capable of.  The revelation at the end of the boy being either an Apex or a Caecus is harder to follow.  "Apex" as a word I'm familiar with, so I can make a guess what that means.  Caecus is obviously Latin, but I had to look it up.  It seems to mean "blind?" so I'm not sure where this is going.  I'm making a lot of this, but it's positioned in the writing as a revelation.  I don't have enough info to be in on the secret, so I just wind up feeling dumb until you tell me what it is.

 

 

Chapter 2:

It took me a while to remember Eve from the prologue, but you give enough hints that even after 6+ months I remember.  So good job on that. However, this chapter has some of the same problems as the first one.  Here there are three more new words, "Sapients," "Mark of Ascendance," and "Fray."  None are really given any explanation, except that Sapients seem to be refugees and have less than normal intelligence?

So again, I'm sort of left in the dark even though you seem to be revealing something of importance in that Eve is a Fray.

 

I'm intrigued to read more, but I'm also juggling 5-6 strange terms in my head, wondering when I will find out more about them.  I'm not saying you have to explain them now, but hopefully there will be clarity soon.  Aside from that, the story is interesting, and I'm wondering where it's heading.

[stormvisions he/him]

I just jumped in here with these two chapters so here are some random things which I hope are useful.

 

-the story does seem interesting enough to have kept me reading.

-the fight scenes are a little too abbreviated - in particular the first fight has very little detail. You could give it at least a line or two, which might even make the second fight with the Brute more notable by virtue of the contrast.

 

 

The exchange between Tolero, Ferox and Aurelia in the section with “At least you don’t have to worry about getting chosen.” confused me - it seems obviously he would be chosen?

 

Also in the previous section when you describe the 'morning after' the party maybe you could show the effects more, rather than telll them. One of the recruits bumping into the one ahead as he walked with his head down, a couple of guys sitting in corners holding their heads, one guy seemed to have his shirt on inside out, etc. Describe the fumbling, red eyes and other details and sort of show how they are feeling if that makes sense.

 

I think that same rule might be good elsewhere. For example you really don't have to say 'leaving the girl read faced with embaressment' I think. You could probably just say her face reddened if the reason for that reaction can be made obvious from the other things going on.

 

Then 'Tolero said not bothering to hide his irritation. '  could be Tolero said, his brows dropping to a scowl. or 'as he slammed the table with his open palm.' Does that make sense? Rather than describing their emotion, describe the clues that will let the reader guess or intuit their emotions.

 

This next bit I hope I can explain right ... In chapter 2 Priscus's emotions or character is confusing to me - he seems alternately insecure, then perhaps a little insensitive as he slaps the girl in the cart, then he seems very concerned for her as he put her in the bed, then he seems relaxed as he talks to the girl giving her information, then when he 'says 'Quiet boy, it's to early to be yelling' he seems more middle aged to me.... in short his character or nature seems to vary too much to my reading. I think you need to have a clear idea of who he is (maybe keeping someone you know in mind) and his responses should match that personality. Hope that makes sense.

 

An interesting world so far. Good luck.

[RawToast225 he/him]

All right. The prologue was awesome! I thought she was going to lose her eye and was a little disappointed when that didn't happen. It would have been a great tag for the character to have. The worst thing about the prologue was the terminology; the terms had continuity issues. Is it a federation or an empire? That's an editing thing, though.

I loved the masks, I loved the description of the people and how it was directly mirrored on the setting, and I liked the description of the judge. In my head, I pictured him walking against the grain of the colonists with discerning, out of place eyes. I know you are probably going to RAFO this, but are judges exempt from conformity?

 

Chapter 1 was even better than the prologue. The Battle School is pretty cool, but I wanted more in the first chapter than I got. If I were reading a paper copy of the book, I would skip to the next chapter to see what in the world was going on. The current questions I have are mainly about the races and refuges that are in the world. What's up with that? What are Brutes? Are they a mutation of a specific race, or just a race of their own? Why would she have seen tons of fighting? I need more explanations! I am feeling frustrated at this point in the reading.

 

Chapter 2 was extremely well written. I really liked the guy's character and I don't even know much about him. That was awesome. The no pulse thing was intriguing. I want to know why she can still breath, so I'll just keep on reading. One question, though. How did she end up in the caravan with the refugees at all?

 

Chapter 3 leaves me with a little more resolution, but what is up with the power? What is it, really? (hehe)

I really liked the culture shock that Eve went through here. It was enticing to compare what she knew of her culture to the one she woke up in. I just feel like it could have been explored a little more. I can't wait to read more of this. Submit more soon, okay?

 

There are some serious punctuation issues that need to be addressed, but again, that's editing. 

 

Edit:

 

The genre is kind of hard to pin down at this point because we don't know if you have tech or not. It could just be Fantasy, or it could be Sci-Fi. 

 

The only character that I wasn't impressed with was the one in the school thingy. He was kind of just not there. The Brute was better than he was.

 

I think the pacing was a little fast in chapter three, but really quite good in the rest of your chapters. If you slowed down Eve's awakening, I think it would be a lot better. Take the time you need to to explore your character's feelings.

 

Info dumping is not always a bad thing. Info starvation is a almost always a bad thing. Info dumping can be fine in the early stages until you can find a way to spread out the info. Maybe reveal it a little later in the story of the chapter. Just don't forget you have a storyline to get back to when you info dump.

Edited December 16, 2014 by Arthur Dent

[LerroyJenkins he/him]

Lots of great critiques here, you guys never disappoint!

 

@Mandamon: 

 

    Good to hear that I fixed my setting, and I'm glad the characters seemed natural. As for pacing, the whole chapter with Ferox used to be an encyclopedia and I probably over corrected a bit... or a lot.  

  

    As for the Apex and Caecus thing, I don't want to give away too much, but I think I'm going to go ahead and explain what they are in that chapter instead of leaving you in the dark anyway so: Look up Caecus again, there are 20+ definitions and if you read them all it'll be a better hint as to what they are. 

 

With Eve's chapter; I'm glad Eve was memorable! Now for the three words you didn't know: 

    "Sapient": I thought I used this too much in the prologue, but maybe I should use it a few more times. A Sapient is a citizen of the Sapient Empire, and being a communist society, information is tightly controlled. Which is why Sapients come across as a little ignorant when it comes to important info like Frays. I'll make those facts more prominent, thanks for pointing it out!

 

     "Mark of Ascension" is what Eve has, marking her a "Fray". Haha, for now that is all you need to know. I think that it is enough to tide the readers over just knowing that she is different now.

   Hopefully I'll have my next submission ready by the 29th, that'll help shed light on all the things I'm leaving hidden.

 

 

@Sormweasel:

    I wanted to show that in real life, a fight wouldn't go on for 20min. That being said, I think I could very well have gone a bit overboard with this, so if at least one other person sees it as a problem I'll go in and flesh it out.

 

   Good point with Aurelia saying "At least you don’t have to worry about getting chosen.”, I'll make it more clear that she was muttering to herself. For most people in the academy being chosen for a cohort is a big worrisome concern, but Brutes have a huge advantage in just their born strength. 

 

   It's a great idea to use the morning after the party to describe the other students, I'll definitely do that. But I'm going to leave Tolero's rant and Aurelia's reaction the way it is, Tolero isn't violent so he wouldn't slam his hand down, and I don't want him coming across as mean so him scowling would paint him in a way I wouldn't like. And saying Aurelia was red faced with embarrassment is the most expedient way to show she was effected but not angry. I'm a fan of spartan descriptions during dialogue.

 

   You're so right about Priscus. I hadn't even noticed how much he bounces from being gruff, to caring, to gruff again. I think I'm trying to make him come across as having a big bark but actually be a nice guy, but it just comes off as confusing, thanks for calling it out!

 

 

@Arthur Dent

    Haha, it's true that Eve being one eyed would be a standout trait, I need her to have both for when she wakes up. I'll make sure I fix the terminology problems, She is in the Empire and is assuming siege is coming from Federation troops. And the Judges aren't really high enough up the government ladder to be exempted from the law, that more of the Enforcers and up (none of this really matters tho because the Empire becomes a distant entity for the rest of the book). 

 

    Alright, so I'm starting to get the feeling that I went too far in streamlining the first chapter? Originally I had the reader sit through a history lecture by Priscus, who was an instructor at the academy in that alternate plot. But I realized that it came out like a text book, so I changed it. So now I think I'll throw in some conversations to explain; the political state of the world, origins of Brutes, and I'll address what Apexes and Caecus are as well just for the heck of it.

 

     -Any sugestions on how to clear up what my genre is?

​     -Ferox is a more interesting character, but when I streamlined the chapter I accidentally made him an empty character.

     -I'll definitely elaborate on Eve's culture shock, I really enjoyed writing that part.

 

 

 

 

 

You guys had some really great critiques, I'm glad that you all seemed to enjoy it! keep up the great work! 

[RawToast225 he/him]

@Arthur Dent

    Haha, it's true that Eve being one eyed would be a standout trait, I need her to have both for when she wakes up. I'll make sure I fix the terminology problems, She is in the Empire and is assuming siege is coming from Federation troops. And the Judges aren't really high enough up the government ladder to be exempted from the law, that more of the Enforcers and up (none of this really matters tho because the Empire becomes a distant entity for the rest of the book). 

 

    Alright, so I'm starting to get the feeling that I went too far in streamlining the first chapter? Originally I had the reader sit through a history lecture by Priscus, who was an instructor at the academy in that alternate plot. But I realized that it came out like a text book, so I changed it. So now I think I'll throw in some conversations to explain; the political state of the world, origins of Brutes, and I'll address what Apexes and Caecus are as well just for the heck of it.

     -Any sugestions on how to clear up what my genre is?

​     -Ferox is a more interesting character, but when I streamlined the chapter I accidentally made him an empty character.

     -I'll definitely elaborate on Eve's culture shock, I really enjoyed writing that part.

Oh, so Enforcers are higher? Interesting! Does the judge have a mask on?

You might want to clear it up in case you want to write another book in this world.

 

Yeah, you did streamline a bit. You don't have to throw more conversations in, just maybe share an experience or two that that character has that is informative. That's better than dialogue sometimes. It might help if you were to add more in his head.

 

For the genre, I wouldn't worry too much. I realize after I wrote the critique that it was actually more clear than I thought. It was just confused because of the lateness of the hour (I read it at around 3 or 4).

 

Good work!

[Sprouts]

A little late with the critique on this one, but here we go.

 

Chapter One

 

I liked how this one opened.  The cots being uncomfortable was funny and I liked how Tolero brought it up a little later as well.  I'll agree with the others on trying to show everyone's exhaustion instead of telling, though it worked decently well either way.  Tolero was well characterized, I had a clear picture of him in my mind quickly and his reaction to the mock cohorts was entertaining.

 

I'm going to go ahead and disagree with some of the other critiques on Ferox as a character.  I thought he definitely had a character, it may not have been eminently likable, but it was a character.  He came off a knowledgeable and a little arrogant, seeing as how he was staring around the school evaluating people rather than in wonder, excitement, etc. (ie. When he thought it would be a shame to waste a Brute behind lines)  The only problem then, is that we don't get to see him do anything else in the chapter besides look around and evaluate people.

 

There's also an odd feel in this chapter as if I should have met some of these characters before, or have been introduced to the setting before.  Likely due to you jumping straight into the thick of things, with the school welcome celebration already out of the way and all.  It definitely isn't a bad thing, but it makes the questions start popping up fast, a lot of which weren't answered.

 

I'll note I didn't mind the Caecus end of chapter name drop.  Makes me eager to read the next academy chapter to find out what exactly a Caecus is.

 

Chapter Two

 

The opening of this chapter was a little clunky, with Eve in the cart.  It wasn't a showing vs telling issue really, you did a good job of not simply telling us that she was injured and tired.  You showed her efforts.  The issue for me is a little hard to define, it kind of seems like despite you saying her thoughts moved slowly, she seemed to be clear-headed.  The descriptions of what was happening to her seemed a little too defined.  Something more dream-like might work better.  This could just be me though.

 

After that sequence, the interaction between Vanus and Priscus was well done and set up both characters well.  A good use of what seems to have been a disposable character with Vanus.

 

The smoking some sort of material to clear Priscus' head intrigued me.

 

Chapter Three

 

Eve's reactions to the different culture of Rixa was the most entertaining part of this chapter.  I'll agree with Mandamon that throwing two new terms at us with Mark of Ascendance and Fray was a bit much.  I can live without knowing what a Fray is, I assume it'll be answered in the next Eve chapter, similar to the Caecus term.  However I think you could make it so Eve had heard of a Mark of Ascendance before, at least in myths or stories (etc), that way the chapter wouldn't end with a ton of loose threads waiting to be explained later.  Loose threads are a very effective way to keep me (maybe just me) reading.  Having too many though and they become hard to keep track of.

 

 

Overall

 

I liked these chapters, they introduced lots of new aspects of the world, and brought Eve closer to what seems to be the jumping off point for the story in Rixa.  Will read and critique your next submission soon.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Sprouts

[LerroyJenkins he/him]

@Arthur Dent

There will be more about the Empire in later books, so I will go back and clear up the description about the judges!

 

 

@Sprouts

Chapter 1

I'm glad you liked Tolero and Ferox as characters! as for why the chapter felt like you should already know the setting, that's probably because this wasn't how I had originally Introduced Rixa. While I was altering it I must have left out some info, I'll fix it when I revise.

 

Chapter 2

I plan to Change the opening to Eve having a hallucination or nightmare. 

 

Chapter 3

I'm going to trim down the number of new terms when I edit.

 

Glad you liked the chapters!

[Robinski he/him]

Ah, now then young Lerroy, I’ve been looking forward to getting to your next submission, I’ve sort of left it till last in my catch up, sorry about that, but I remember enjoying the first section, so I'm looking forward to this. Went back to look at my comments on the Prologue, which seem like an age ago!

 

Having read the submission, I can say that I enjoyed it a good deal. You have an easy style that I find comfortable to read. There are numerous distracting grammar ticks, and the capitalising of seemingly random words, but you can easily fix these things. I like the gentle humour in your writing, I think it gives it personality and makes the characters more likeable. I think some writers try too hard to be funny.

 

I did find the stream of names a bit of a chore to keep track of. There seems to be a series of races/nationalities, then a series of classes (cohorts?), then there are the character names themselves. It’s not wrong, I just wonder if one of these categories might be held back a little until we’ve got our feet under the table. Maybe not, it’s just something to consider. Maybe others are fine with it.

More importantly, I think, is the use of names which seem designed to be dramatic reveals, but mean nothing to the reader. The end of Chapter 3 is a prime example. I don’t know what a Fray is, so how can I find the end of the chapter dramatic? It’s the same at the end of the Chapter 1 with the Caecus – it robs the chapter end of any drama, I think.

 

All in all, though, I'm keen to get on to the next submission. I'm starting to like the characters and it’s an interesting set up. Personally, I wouldn’t mind a touch more description. I remember the WE crew (think it was Mary) that many writers don’t use other sense to describe scenes, too often only using a visual description. Anyway, I'm not saying write screeds of description, but it’s easy enough to occasionally pick some detail out with an adjective now and again.

 

So, your questions:

 

–Genre: I find it hard to think past pseudo-Roman type of setting because of the arena scenes, the names and the Empire being a thing.

–Characters: Mentioned in my detail comments below, but I like them. There are little differences without having great big characters ticks. Maybe they could be described a little more, but you’ll have the opportunity to do that as you go.

–Pacing: Good, nice flow to it, stuff is happening, it’s interesting and seems to be moving forward, so far so good.

–Magic: Nothing overt, there are clues to Eve’s healing, but I’d need to go back through to make a list of signs, nothing clearly sticks in my mind in this submission.

–Whatever: see below!!

 

Rixa Academy – as it’s the name of the establishment.

 

Straightaway, I'm hooked in by the comfortable humour and the down-to-earth concerns of this student. Quite a few ‘x’s in the first paragraph, okay two, but as they are the only names we have so far, 100% of them have ‘x’s in – happy to accept it if it’s a common thing in society though.

 

“...new recruits arrived.”

 

“They stayed secluded were subdued...” – (suggestion: secluded didn’t seem like the right word)

 

“...easily spots spotted Tolero...” – one or two tense slips, was this previously in ‘present tense’ – yikes, surely not!

 

So, is ‘Brute’ a race or type of humanoid, or perhaps another nationality? I'm judging from the capitalisation of course. No doubt, I will discover the answer.

 

You seem to use names repeatedly. I think when you’ve said who’s speaking, like Tolero at the top of Page 2, you don’t need to repeat his name, but can say older students were looking at ‘him’, as we still have Tolero in mind. You did the same with Ferox earlier (...took a moment to focus on him).

 

“...twice the muscle of a normal man.”

 

“And what do you think...”

 

We’ve heard Federation and Republic so far, starting to get a little disoriented, although maybe you explained this in the prologue, I haven’t gone back to read it again.

 

“She looked to be a Refugee from the Federation,” why capitalise refugee? And does that make her like Tolero, as he is also from or of the Federation? Also, we’ve got a farm boy, a federation and a republic – sounds a bit like we’re in George Lucas territory!

 

I wouldn’t capitalise ‘jet’ when describing her eyes. I don’t think you would capitalise the name of the mineral (?) anymore than you would a colour or, say, a fruit (I'm looking at you, Mandamon!!).

 

“...battering ram all his life.”

 

Again, if it’s not a particular (named) instructor – i.e. using it as a title (Instructor Smith), don’t capitalise, I would say.

 

Valeo isn’t really finished speaking when you say ‘he finished.’ Dialogue attributions can be cumbersome and are probably better left out, if possible, to help dialogue sections flow.

 

“...adorned with their cohort’s namesake”

 

Now you’re capitalising adjectives!! (This should be Interesting). You’re out of control with that Shift key!!   : o )

 

“Another Brute comes came from the Leo side”

 

Ha-ha, instant tension because Canis don’t have another Brute! I wasn’t expecting that, but you foreshadowed it well, nicely done. Really intrigued to see how this goes!

 

“The boy that emerges emerged from the crowed crowd is was slightly shorter...” I’ll stop mentioning the tense thing now, you get the point, I'm sure.

 

“...on top of the Brute’s as it crashed towards the ground. The Brute’s sword...” and there’s another instance just after. Possessive needs an apostrophe.

 

There are several titles or types thrown around at the end of the chapter. It’s certainly mysterious as to what the boy who sparred with the Brute is, but I think a difficulty with it is these types (races? nationalities?) are not foreshadowed, so the reader doesn’t know how amazed to be or why.

 

Ah, Eve’s back, that’s good. It’s nice to encounter someone we know something about, and to discover how she’s getting on with the ring!

 

Repetition of “eyes” and “cart” twice in the same sentences.

 

“...the cart’s long handles”

 

Very nice exchange between Vanus and Priscus, nice tone, dialogue that sounds like real people talking, which I think is harder to do than it might seem. I suggest taking the italics off the mocking statement, apart from the ‘I', as that is probably where the stress would come. “That’s what I say.”

 

At this point, we get Sapients, which I'm guessing are another race, class or nationality. I'm now getting a bit confused about how Sapients, Brutes, Caecus’s and Apexes relate to one another, which we haven’t had any indication of so far, unless I’ve forgotten.

 

Sounds like it doesn’t so much look as if there is a walled city in place of the mountain top, but there is one.

 

“...the Republic was open to...” and “care she needed...”

 

I like Priscus thought process, whether she lives or dies he has a dilemma, nicely done.

 

“...a little older than her.”

 

I like her surprise at seeing people’s faces and marvelling at their expressions. I had forgotten that people in the Empire were all covered up. It’s a nice societal distinction.

 

“...the falling edge of being a young man, on his to becoming middle aged.” Very wordy and confusing phrasing.

 

When you give the reason for the table collapsing before you tell us it collapses, I think it robs the scene of surprise and immediacy, makes it more passive. To me, it would be better for the table to collapse and then have the explanation, or even better, table collapses, then there’s the human fallout – shouting and cursing, arguing, whatever, before anyone worries about the state of the wood, just a thought.

 

I like her question. “Where is there to ascend to?” a very sensible and logical inquiry.

 

Right, you’re doing it again, dropping in a name that doesn’t mean anything to the reader. It’s obviously set up to be a dramatic end to the chapter, but we don’t know what a Fray, so the reader is just going “Huh?”.

[Mandamon he/him]

 

I wouldn’t capitalise ‘jet’ when describing her eyes. I don’t think you would capitalise the name of the mineral (?) anymore than you would a colour or, say, a fruit (I'm looking at you, Mandamon!!).

 

 

...No idea what you mean. ;-)

[LerroyJenkins he/him]

@Robinski

Glad you enjoyed it! I was hoping you would critique my submission, and with 1,386 words(I just had to check) I've got to say I'm beyond pleased with it!

 

I think everyone has pointed out that I have too many words and names floating around. I'm going to fix this between the end of 1/2 and 3/4, so I'll just tell you my plan real quick. If its bad please respond in all caps and a bunch of exclamations.

Chapter 2.5; I'll use one of the Refugees that came in with Eve (probably Vanus since he has a name) and he will ask a Rixa guard where in the world they are. At this point the guard will pull out a map and explain their location, and give a little background info and history on; the Federation, Republic, and Sapient Empire. Sapient citizens live in a extreme communist society, so I'll try and get across that they aren't all morons, but just forced to be ignorant.(oh, and I'm just going to have Ferox or Aurelia explain to Tolero what a Caecus is, so be sure to look for that in the recap before my next submission)

 

Alright now I'm going to try and respond to a few of your great points here;

 

I'm happy that the school came off well! As for the x's... I have two names I'm trying to chose between for the Caecus character, both of which have an x haha.    xP    sorry had to do that

 

Capitalization issues; When I revise I sometimes forget to take out caps when I sew two sentences together. And sometimes I just throw in a cap for no reason. Sorry for any inconvenience.

 

Tense issues; This was originally present tense, I changed my mind but apparently I didn't change all the words. They should really add a tense checker to spell check for all twelve people who would have the need and will to use it.

 

Dialogue Attribution problem; I struggle with said-isms, I'll go through and weed them out soon.

(and this ^ cap must be bugging you, but I decided to leave it as a testament to my bad habits.)  

 

I'm really glad that you appreciated the uneven Brute numbers! I've been striving not to avoid things that could show a hole in my story, but use/deal with them to make the world feel more real.

 

 

 

I'm now getting a bit confused about how Sapients, Brutes, Caecus’s and Apexes relate to one another, which we haven’t had any indication of so far, unless I’ve forgotten.

This sentence makes it clear that I need to stop trying to emulate 'Lost' by ending with something strange and mysterious all the time. The sad thing is that you only listed about half of the names that the reader doesn't yet understand haha

 

I found the description of Priscus' age to be bulky as well. I'm just going to have him be outright middle aged and call it done.

 

The broken table scene is ridiculous in hindsight. I wanted Eve to assume that it wasn't her strength that broke the table, rather it was just a really weak table. But this came across as chunky, and didn't follow the rational chain of thoughts one would have if a foreign heterochromic refuge girl smashed your dining table during breakfast.

 

Thanks again for the amazing critique! I can't wait to hear what you all think of my next submission!

 

Edited January 10, 2015 by LerroyJenkins

[Robinski he/him]

I've got a real tendency to quibble about minor things that a person would fix in the edit, but it comes from being an engineer and wanting to be precise about everything, as if I'm the sole arbiter of grammar, ha!!

 

The 'x' thing was nothing, really, it was just the first comment - don't even think about it again.

 

I'm real pleased you changed your mind on present tense, although I've used it myself in a short story I hope to submit in the next couple of months, which is part past, part present - but for a whole nevel, I would struggle, personally.

 

On the table thing, I didn't get that it was a demonstration of unusual strength, of course, because of the reference to the weak wood, but it kind of implies that the table was ready to collapse. I'm sure there's another way to demosntrate her strength, but I'm not sure if you really need it where. In my view, the hammer thing works well.