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2012 July 16-JamesW-Resonance of Steel Prologue


JamesW

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This is the "new" prologue to my novel tentatively titled "Resonance of Steel."

In order to not distract too terribly from the story, I'll mention that I haven't yet figured out the science behind the day/night cycle. As a point of note, the cycle is 300 days of sunshine, 300 nights of low illumination from a second star, the "night-sun" referred to by one of the characters. There is a period of extremely harsh, almost uninhabitable, weather conditions during which the populace takes refuge in large, underground complexes, stocked with food, water, and fuel for fires during these times.

This, along with the next pair of chapters, is available in Writing Group A's dropbox.

JW

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This could be me, but this doesn't feel like a prologue... I know it's set many years before your story. It just feels like it's focusing too much on development of this pair of characters without setting up much... While developing them sounds like it will happen sometime, by the time the real story comes around they should be entirely different people.

Your writing is for the most part, superb. There's a couple small mistakes, but all things considered, very very good. I enjoy where you're going and I know you have cool things going on. You have well developed characters, but some of that development could be skipped.

Were I to start this I would have started with just before they get to Relia, have a frantic hunt for her killer, and end with the suggestion of what could go wrong. In Late, out Early.

What is "The Fire" It needs an explanation, even in the prologue. Nothing wrong, but a quick explanation right as it's first mentioned will make the concept more comfortable.

(This comes from the perspective of a person with a great deal of sword fighting experience. I don't know how much you have, if any. Some of the way you write things, mentioning stances but giving no exact motions suggests you don't have much.)

Your fight scene was... awkward. You describe the blades as if they are in control(Which they partially are) but it creates an image of the man not really in control of the sword. In addition I get this image of a man holding one arm way out to each side, swords moving in unnatural ways that would likely dislocate. It's because you have him using one sword per opponent. That doesn't work. Someone fighting florentine against a pair of opponents is never going to stop moving. It's swing block dance away, swing block, etc. There is no staying in one place in a fight with two swords or two opponents. It's fluid. The man's injured leg will be a huge issue for him, and makes the scene a little unrealistic. Not an inconvenience, but something that means the fight will end almost instantly. Especially with the length of Ganril's blade. That level of reach against an immobile opponent means the smartest way to handle the fight would be to just stand back and swing until the man's guard fails. Why put anyone else in danger when you can just sit there and rely on reach? The other person's only real job would be to stand just where with a long lunge they can take the twinblade in the back if he tries to rush the bigger swordsman.

I would avoid the name Lan. It's too famous of a name in fantasy, even though it's more a nickname here. The name creates an image though, and it's tall, stony, and Malkieri.

You have a then where you need a than. It popped out at me so I figured I'd bring it up. It's around the mention of the wooden coin.

I know that your years are 600 days, but you say they're twenty turns old. Is that 300 days or 600?

Edited by Aminar
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Thanks for the feedback!

You are indeed correct about the setting up the characters and them changing in the intervening time, it was intentional and is meant to provide a contrast for their current personalities. The two will be major players, maybe with a viewpoint or two, but part of their actions drive the main characters later in the story.

I also have absolutely no sword fighting experience, at least nothing more solid then beating up friends with pvc pipes wrapped in foam. I agree that the fight scene could use a lot of work, and I might pick your brain at some point.

The leg wound wasn't meant to keep him immobile, I'll rework that so it's clearer. The wound would already be starting to heal, an effect of the weapons (Similar to the otaratal swords in Malazan).

Twenty turns would be a total of 10 complete cycles, so 300 days to a turn (It would make them around 16 of our years old).

I'll fix the name in the final rewrite/edit, for now I'll just keep it as is for continuity purposes, the nickname Lan doesn't appear after the prologue.

Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated.

Edited by JamesW
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I thought this was an enjoyable prologue, though it doesn’t really read as such (more on that later). Lanath and Ganril are likeable characters, they suffer a tragedy and seem to get drawn into a conflict with the emperor, which, for now, is portrayed as a mystery. Is the killer working for the emperor or not and why was Relia murdered. Those are good hooks.

There are some points which hindered my enjoyment however and, in a full book, might make me put it down before finishing the prologue. The main reasons for that are the first two of the below point which deal with the first three pages.

Maid and Butler: The story starts right off with a maid and butler sequence, the two characters are giving information about the setting by talking about things they both already know and they both know of the other that they know. This goes on for the first two pages! If what they’re regaling each other with is so important maybe the story should have started there.

To a lesser extent, the last conversation between Ganril and Lanath also feels more like the options they discuss and why things won’t work are for the reader’s benefit rather than the characters actually looking for a solution.

Slow start: In part due to the maid and butler sequence, followed by a patrol even the two characters find boring, the first three pages of this prologue are really slow and that’s something you’d better avoid. It gets better once Lanath and Ganril draw their swords.

The Fire: What is the fire? It’s good to have a bit of mystery, such as with the swords that somehow seem to have some sentience or at least a magical effect that warns their wielders. It’s not important to know the exact thing about how the swords bestow this sense, only that it does. The Fire however is just a term without a clear effect or source. Especially considering it has no apparent role in the rest of the chapter except make Lanath angry – the death of Relia should be enough for that.

One-sided action: The fight felt one-sided to me, in terms of description. The lead up is good, Lanath’s realization that this man is a threat, that he has two swords and knows how to use them. And then you get to the fight and I’m clearly seeing Lanath move and to a less extent Ganril. Their opponent however is a grey blur. Pressed on two sides he should be the most active of all, despite the hampering of his injured leg. What are his expressions like, what does he do? How does he fight with his injury? But all I really get is that he’s taking steps back. That’s not a very exciting fight. In fact, there’s never a moment in my mind that Lanath and Ganril are actually in any danger.

Kari’s: I thought that finding the culprit was too easy. He left one tavern to go to one where no questions were asked. Why didn’t he go there from the start? Why did he go to the first or second tavern and not an actual safe-house? It’s almost like he was trapping Lanath and Ganril, but injured the way he was, being a professional, that doesn’t sound likely either.

POV error: There was a POV slip I noticed after the fight ended. It’s on page 17, the perspective should be Lanath’s, but then you get to:

“Ganril didn’t like hearing this, but he was no simpleton. He knew that Lanath was speaking sense, even if he didn’t want to hear it.”

Now it’s suddenly Ganril’s POV. And next POV returns to Lanath.

Prologue: Aminar already touched on this, but this doesn’t really feel like a prologue, more like a first chapter with two main characters. Especially considering the actual chapter one and two. Granted, I haven’t read these yet, but I skimmed them quickly to determine the relevance of the prologue with respect to what comes directly after. Lanath and Ganril are lords, they have children and these children are the protagonists. So, we have a prologue that establishes the Lanath and Ganril were friends, that Ganril’s sister was murdered and that one of the emperor’s men did it. Unless all this ties in very strongly it doesn’t seem (so far) that the story will need this prologue. So why is it there?

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  • 4 weeks later...

As often happens, Asmodemon has said what I wanted to, and more clearly to boot.

I did notice a few other things. First, "it’s citizens concerned only with their next meal....": it's should be its. Small, but it caught my attention and annoyed me.

In the beginning, the two turn to face each other a lot. I especially noticed this when they got close to the manor house and suspected something. Wouldn't they rather turn away from each other at that point, and examine the area, rather than look at each other? Presumably, friends like these would trust the other to guard their back in a suddenly suspicious area.

"black lines creating intricate patterns along the length of the blades." This is really a nit to pick, but are the lines actively moving and creating the patterns? Or are they laid out in intricate patterns? I assume the latter, but in the beginning of a fantasy novel, I can't discount the former, and the way it is written makes me lean that direction.

While I have the same suspicions on the twinblade's behavior that Asmodemon mentioned, if he is still to be found in a bar, I suggest skipping the intermediary bar. IMO, it both adds extra to the characterization of the two people in the prologue, which we don't need, and it also slows down the action when it should be moving along on the gut-wrenching note of Lanath having to mercy-kill his sister. If the twinblade is to be found in the pub, I suggest having one of the two realize that's where he was headed, then skip right there. Take the reader to the fight scene while their blood is hot for vengeance.

A POV error was mentioned before, but I would suggest that the POV could be brought into a tighter third-person. For example, instead of "The two friends’ eyes met," I would suggest "Lanath met his friend's eyes," which focuses the attention on the POV a bit more. Likewise, there might be a POV error here (rage surging through them) and a few paragraphs further on (Lanath and Ganril knew no fear... they felt only rage.) Although looking at these a bit closer, I wonder if third-limited POV is really what you intend for this, or have I mistaken it?

I'll re-emphasize the blocking for the fight, and the techniques involved. Depending on how they were trained, I would expect Lanath and Ganril to move more during the fight. (Traditionally, infantry were trained to hold position and fight together, in order to cover for each other and not allow a gap in the lines. Individual fighters, on the other hand, trained to move forward and back, side to side, to position themselves advantageously compared to the other opponent, rather than standing in one place to fight them. This is especially true for one man fighting two, no matter how much more capable that one man is.) Also, most fights with movement will usually involve a good amount of footwork and feints, feeling out the opponent, because if you make a mistake it will likely be your last. Traditional training for fencing would sometimes involve months of footwork before even holding a blade, to get the feel for positioning and movement, and then would train for a year or more on foil, which emphasizes defensive actions, for that very reason. All this is apart from the differences that the different blades would create, and Aminar is absolutely right about the way that would affect the techniques.

This is all absent magical (or even cultural) reasons for the difference, of course. Also, it could potentially be solved by fading out a little more and blurring the actions, rather than getting more detailed and working on those; that is, describe how Lanath feels and what he thinks during the fight, rather than the blocking, except where it's absolutely necessary, and allow the reader to imagine that all three know how best to use their weapons. If this is the main swordfight, or one of a few that don't end up bearing majorly on the plot, I might suggest that approach. On the other hand, if there are going to be a lot of sword fights, or the fights are pivotal, you will probably need to describe them as best you can, and make some friends who know about sword fighting to help you out. (I know enough to realize my general ignorance in all but a few special areas.)

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Here comes some more feedback! \o/

Prologue

I have to agree with Aminar in regards to it not feeling as a prologue. I think this is due to the pacing and characterisation that takes place during the prologue. It feels more like a chapter 1 than a prologue. A prologue is there to give the reader some idea about the setting/plot/etc. and if i read this one right I'm guessing it is there to set up the conflict between the two lords and the emperor. I am guessing that this plot is the main plot of the story but won't be touched upon for, at the very least, a few chapters -- alt. it might be a 'sub-plot' that ignites the real plot and runs parallel with it. If this is the case I would suggest trying to make the prologue more self-contained; ending the prologue with more of a focus on something coming to an end rather than something new beginning.

Now, if it's a plot that will come back soon you might not need to worry so much about making it as 'self-contained', but I would still suggest making it a bit more 'self-contained'.

Fight Scene

While I agree with that has been said in regards to tension I have to disagree about the other parts, for while I didn't really feel that our two protagonists was in any danger the fight it self didn't bother me. I should probably point out that I am not that fond of strictly realistic fights, and while I don't want fights to brake any and all rules of physics, time and space I do put Rule-of-cool before realism -- I want to be entertained after all.

You do have a good opportunity to introduce more about the Krathsteel blades here though, so you might be able to shift the focus of the fight away from the fight itself and more to introduce the blades.

The Fire

Here I had no problem following, though this might be because we have talked about how Krathsteel works. I felt that it was a nice touch, and I found the fact the twinblades blades still held the fire intriguing. Though if you want to clarify it some more you could easily tie it in with an explanation of Krathsteel -- perhaps divide it into two parts making it less of a info-dump. Explain how the fire surges through them from the blade when they draw it the first time and then go into the experience part when they fight -- perhaps even make the fight showcase the experience part rather than being a fight.

Misc

The relationship between Ganril and Relia felt odd. From his insistence that she would never come to the city, to her one line of dialogue to him. At that point I wasn't sure they had ever really loved each other, yet by the end Ganril swears to avenge her -- going up against the emperor to do so.

All in all, I did like the prologue and I would have kept reading chapter one for sure.

-TheSadDragon

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