Paul SB - BackboneofNight sub06, 3847 words

[Paul SB]

Hello once again,

 

In the first entry we get a little Anthropology 101, which is important thematically for the story but plot-wise it’s only a transition, so it might be a good chapter to cut. The problem is finding a way to show what they talk about (you can probably tell this was a chapter I wrote way back in 2001). The next chapter is also all conversation; a discussion of the situation at the colony. I’m not sure if there is a way to get this information across otherwise. It makes sense that this is something that would be discussed directly, like the topic of a meeting, but meetings are still pretty  boring.

 

Thanks for taking a look. I would love to hear what people think.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I don't think the entire first chapter needs to be cut, but I do think it could be more focused around R's opinions on the anthropology and how it ties into her mission rather than the anthropology itself. The good news is that I did like the second one! I don't think it being a conversation is an issue because this is a challenge where talking things out is how the progress is made. A and H coming to a shared understanding of how to engage with the colonists is vital to the mission, and their differences in perspective make the conversation tense even though there's not a lot of action. 

My one comment on the conversation is that T being alien feels like it's only part of the problem. It's natural for the colonists to be skeptical of irreversible (is it irreversible?) brain changes no matter where they come from. And A being in a better place after the changes won't necessarily be reassuring either, since it could make them worry that they'll change too much to even care about what happened to the people they were. This is just spitballing, but I think there's a nice connection here to the discussion of authority. The corps control everything, and now that they're out the refugees are being asked to give up autonomy over their own minds (or at least that's how they see it). But because the T care less about that personal control and more about the collective good, they don't see the issue. And now it's A's job to bridge that seemingly impossible gap. 

As I go:

Pg 1. I think describing anthropology itself matters less than what it means to R

Pg 3. I'm a bit mixed on this so far. I do like R taking the step of not being afraid to share all of these thoughts, but I'm not sure if this is relevant enough to her mission for us to see it all in scene. 

Pg 5. Again, I think the bits we get about R's opinions are more interesting than the actual explanations.

Pg 7. I think we need something to set up A's purpose here. If we're being shown this meeting I have to imagine it's important, so why is it important to A and what is she trying to get out of it going in?

Pg 10. At this point I'm engaged

Pg 11. A's not exactly being reassuring here about the procedure. Which is fine, but I think we need to know why. Does she think H needs some tough love?