Paul SB - BackboneofNight sub02, 3973 words

[Paul SB]

Back for more. This submission has two entries. The first is just a connecting flight -- the protagonists move from one ship to another so they can go back to the galaxy while V can stay home with the baby. I'm not certain this scene is even needed, especially given the high word count (currently 113 Kilowords). It also reintroduces a minor character from the first book who will have a role to play later in this one.

The second entry follows a character that was pretty background in the first volume. Here Morgan's assistant pulls a Henry V, pretending to be a common employee and goes to the cafeteria to get an idea of what the plebes are thinking. This scene might also not be strictly necessary, but this character will have an increasing role to play over this and the next book, so I wanted to do something to make her more than a cardboard cutout.

 

Thanks for taking a peek.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: There are some fun moments here but unfortunately it came across to me as a bit unfocused and disconnected from the larger story. I was thinking about Silk’s previous comments about not being able to see the shape of the story and that’s the feeling I get here. I think this could be reworked around a more central conflict or cut down and woven into narration of future chapters.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. The interpersonal dynamics here read pretty well, though I think we need more off the bat on what they’ll be doing beyond just leaving V.

Pg 3-5. Here I think the momentum doesn’t hold up as much as the first two pages due to lacking a sense of direction or conflict

Pg 7. Unfortunately I don’t think this chapter justifies its inclusion in the story as written. Most of what I get is conflicted feelings about leaving V and I don’t think there’s enough for me to feel like we need to see it in scene for seven pages.

Pg 9. I like the character voice here! Good balance of unlikable in a specific way without being too over the top.

Pg 12. Feels like we’re jumping around to a lot of random topics. I’m not sure why we need to know this, and I’m not sure why it needs to come from these people.

[Robinski he/him]

I'm hoping to get caught up, but my main target at the moment is just to keep going, achieving some consistency in responding.

Comments on the first POV in this second sub:

I like the tone of this group of POVs, that I'm thinking of as 'the protagonists'; I like the generally positive, quite gentle and cooperative feeling I get. I description is neat; it feels very nicely SF space opera in a classic style - an alien race of ship creatures is a great idea, and I like the feelings I get in these POVs. Good job scene-setting, is a guess what I am saying.

I think though that I need to echo what others are saying. I don't get a particularly clear idea of what these characters' motivations are - there has been mention of it, yes, but there is a lot of interpersonal dialogue, and internal monologue about interpersonal relationships and I think it drags pretty heavily on the forward momentum of the story. I ask myself what actually happened in this first POV, and I think it can be summed up as 'they go aboard the ship and depart'. That's not a lot of forward motion at the start of a novel.

Given that, based on what I said before about what I think is a noticeable degree of overwriting, I think the first POV in this sub - which runs to 2000 words - could be delivered in 1500 without too much difficulty, through a good, rigorous edit. Aa part of that, I would suggest considering what in that parts of that first POV are darlings that might have to be cut, or deferred to a point at which the protagonists have a bit more plot momentum going.

I'll return to common on the second POV, and also will email tracked comments in the file once through it.