5/25/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 6, 5531 words (LS)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

Last submission was and the next one will be a bit shorter, so I felt okay going a little over the word count limit. No specific questions for this one; looking forward to seeing what people think!

[Paul SB]

Overall this is surprisingly interesting for as little as is actually happening. A is an easy character to get invested in, and I like how you are introducing a new character in almost every chapter, almost like they are museum exhibits or different products being advertised. It gives the story a bit of an expansive feeling, like the reader can expect a new gem with each chapter.

 

In the previous chapter you had some of the students playing some sports, which makes sense in a high school. One thing is missing, though. Kids that age are typically more obsessed with music than at any other time in their lives. They talk about it, obsess over it, make fun of others who have different tastes, and most important, they identify with it. Since this is a distant future you can’t use names we know today, but you might think about making a couple music-oriented cliques to add derision and dysfunction to this lot.

 

Chapter 9:

“I raise an eyebrow. “Did they design all of this?” — I would expect a smirk or a snicker from S on hearing this.

 

“Do I have to address you as ‘your majesty’?”

“Come now, A. Between friends, I’m the humble Lord Pussyeater.”

I fail to suppress another snort, and S’s grin widens.

“Why is ‘Lord’ part of the name?” I ask.

— What’s happening with A’s face here? What are A’s shoulders doing, is the head pulling back? Does A take half a step back? And what gestures does S make?

 

“Aloe, that was a joke. You know, to make you laugh. Or more to make you groan, really.” — This would be a good place to describe tone of voice.

 

“It’s sad watching you be desperate, A.” — Does he tilt his head? Do his eyes do anything?

 

 

“Why did I even open up to someone like S?” — Given that S knows things about A that A doesn’t remember, A might consider the possibility that someone between their ears their mind knows that S is somebody A once trusted.

 

“The problem is that they’re Sh, and I’m storming me.” — Given the age and nature of the POV character, this massive under confidence is unsurprising, but if it goes on too long it’s going to start wearing on most readers’ patience. Everyone has had times of self-doubt, so that sort of character can activate reader empathy. However, A is going to have to start having some small successes, and noticing them, and allowing them to improve that self-esteem score, before too long.

 

 

Chapter 10:

“ … Maybe I go up to talk with my cohort tomorrow and they all have a story about how I rust my pants.”

“If it makes you feel better, I’m positive that you didn’t poop in your pants over the last six months.” — I like how the choice of the swear word v. the kid word in the next sentence shows a difference between these two. I would expect the difference would help to take some of the steam out of A’s frustration, maybe make A think that they’re overreacting a bit.

 

 

As long as Sh is trying to make A uncomfortable, going into graphic detail about their personal obsession would do the job well, and be more in keeping with the character’s age. For neurological reasons, younger people tend to have stronger emotional reactions than they typically do later in life, which is why it’s so easy for them to blurt out outrageous things that would embarrass the hell out of anyone their parents’ age.

“This time I appear in a hallway of concrete like this is a historical fiction holoshow depicting the militaries of antiquity.” — Concrete is pretty generic for A to draw such a specific conclusion.

 

“The aspiring writer Holly, the budding kinetophysicist Dahlia, the fashion enthusiast Petunia, and the runner Azalea …” — This feels a little data-dumpy. If you want the reader to know these characters it would work better to bring out those details one at a time in different contexts.

 

“Igneous consumed itself because it had nothing else left to destroy, …” — This is a very curiosity-inducing thought. I hope you are going to explain it at some point.

[ginger_reckoning]

 

I feel like I’m starting to get a better sense of the vision of this book, trying to win over people one by one,which is great since I think plays to your strengths as a writer, but to me it feels like new characters are kind of just introduced before joining their side. I think I need a better sense of progression and to know who people are beforehand a little, or at least be aware of them. Overall though I think the conversation with S was good, entertaining, and I like how it made A rethink things 

 

Sub 6 

 

“Shouldn’t have pushed” well this is certainly a sentence I have ever read haha. I say keep it, though maybe replace fix with “function in society” or something because I think that’s a slightly different assumption than fixing completely (which i don’t think she’s achieved, and I don’t think she would think so either.) idk not a huge deal 

 

“Rock the airship” so they don’t have boats at all anymore?

 

Just want to say I love A characterization haha, I think she definitely does think of people in unflattering ways a lot of the time, so it’s interesting to see her trying to be a little nicer

 

Do I sense a Hyperion reference with S? Or just to the actual bird 

 

I think the oral conversation goes on just a beat too long, imo. I’d personally end it after “s grin widens” and then go to the next topic but that’s just me 

 

Okay never thought I would like a character called p*ssy estr but here we are haha