5/18/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 5, 3306 words (LS)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

Here I continue focusing on progression of character dynamics with not a ton of big revelations for the main plot, so I'm curious how that reads.

 

There's some discussions of sex, but nothing graphic on page.

 

Thanks!

[Paul SB]

Did you send the text? I'm not finding it in my mailbox, and I checked the spam, too.

[Paul SB]

I keep forgetting to ask if you like the frame I have been using for this and find it useful. Anyway:

The Quick ‘n’ Dirty Revision Checklist:

Opening

• Was I pulled into the POV character’s life/situation right away?

The POV was established well in previous chapters.

 

Character

• Did I get a good sense of who they are (identity) and what they want/need?

Yes, especially the deep ambivalence that is so common to the more thoughtful iterations of that age group. This aspect is especially well done, delving into the complexities of being young and human, and extrapolating how the speculative status of these characters interact.

 

• Could I ‘see’ them to some degree?

Again the description is on the light side.

 

• Did their emotions come through in each scene?

Yes, though mostly in subtext, but that is as it should be.

 

 

Plot

• Did I understand what was happening in each scene?

There wasn’t a whole lot happening to understand, though perhaps if you mentioned a bit of the neurochemistry that the genetic engineers of this society didn’t account for, readers might understand it better. It’s a fine line to walk between keeping it subtextual and hoping the audience gets it versus explaining too much and coming across as pedantic.

 

• Were the characters working toward a specific goal?

Not precisely, but under the circumstances that isn’t a problem. They were reacting to each other as empathetic people, not manipulating one another.

 

• Did the storyline keep me interested?

Yes.

 

Setting

• Did I feel part of the setting in each scene? Was there enough detail, or too little/too much?

As is so often the case, description is very sparse, especially in terms of non-verbal channels. How are these characters standing in relation to each other? What are their shoulders and hips doing? How are their hands moving? How do their eyes and lips change before and after they say very revealing things?

 

Dialogue

• Did I always know who was speaking?

Yes

 

• Was there enough dialogue, too little or too much?

The quantity of dialogue is not a problem, the need for other things to break it up is.

 

• Did the dialogue flow like a real conversation? Were dialogue tags used correctly?

Yes

 

Pacing

• Did the chapter/scene flow well? (Did it feel too slow or too fast at any point?)

The scene was slow, but it’s the kind of scene that benefits from a slow pace.

 

• Was I able to follow the events as they happened?

Yes.

 

Description

• Could I see what was happening clearly? Did the author create strong imagery?

Very little description. I’m sure you’re familiar with the old adage “always include the weather.” Barring views out windows, the quality of the light coming in through them, or sounds from outside like wind or thunder, there isn’t a lot of “weather” indoors, but things like the quality of the indoor light, how fresh or stuffy the air feels, temperature, even the color of the walls or decor can impact the psyche of the characters (and the readers) in much the same way weather does.

 

• Did I skim anywhere or feel distracted as I read? Was it interesting?

It wasn’t so much distracting as puzzling, trying to work out the thoughts and feelings behind the actions and words.

 

• Did anything need more detail to make the scene feel more important and real?

See above. It would be especially good if you described how the mattress felt under A’s body before and after S’s full-body contact.

 

Voice:

• Was the writing unique in some way? Do I feel like only this writer could write this story? Does the

viewpoint feel authentic?

Your writing gives the impression that you don’t want there to be a narrative voice — more journalistic than fictive. That’s easier to get away with in the close first person, but it’s also a rookie error. You need to develop your narrative voice.

 

Ending:

• Did the scene end on a cliffhanger or create the urge to read on? Did the chapter feel complete?

A voyeur would be disappointed, but I feel like the ending was both smoothly handled and leaves the reader with an interest in seeing how this affects the characters in the future.

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 5/21/2026 at 8:57 PM, Paul SB said:

I keep forgetting to ask if you like the frame I have been using for this and find it useful. Anyway:

Thanks for the feedback! On the frame, I'm a bit mixed. There were bits that I found helpful that I don't think I'd have gotten otherwise (like offering possibilities for what the school could look like in a previous comment--I realized I didn't know which is a good sign I have to think about it more), but I'm more interested in overall reactions than hitting all of these points every chapter (especially since a lot of the points are going to be pretty similar each time). 

Maybe most of the critiques could focus more on general impressions and you could use this frame every once in a while at big moments to cover these points for how they feel across multiple submissions?

[Paul SB]

Okay

[ginger_reckoning]

Sub 5

 

Sorry, decided not to do like so I can catch up a little quicker. Personally with this chapter i think the intimate scene at the end was the main point of the sub and the main turning point. It’s kind of a messed up situation but I think it’s mostly handled pretty well. Though again, I think it’s will benefit from having more of a sense of what their relationship was like before A became T.

 

It does become a little dicey when discussing how he basically mind controlled people to give him sexual favors though. I know he was a teen but I don’t think that gets him entirely off the hook. I still get the sense that it is affecting A which is making aer do this. Also it read to me a little like A buys into the gender essentialism the device operates on which may not be intentional, but that’s just me.

 

That being said I think it was a well written scene and I think A handled the situation pretty well. The thing with the sheet is an interesting workaround, and I like how it’s a little awkward but still sweet.