5/11/25 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 4, 3779 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

We're moving into the parts that are a bit more slower-paced and contemplative, which isn't my usual style (well, the contemplative maybe is, but not the slower-paced), so I'm curious how it reads. Thanks!

[Paul SB]

Overall I would say that although it was a fairly slow scene, the new character you brought in is so different from everyone else that she very much drew me in. You should work a bit on description, though, as well as nonverbal cues, and none of your characters seem to have any individual mannerism that distinguish them from each other.

The Quick ‘n’ Dirty Revision Checklist:

Opening

• Was I pulled into the POV character’s life/situation right away?

This far into the story you’re either there or you’re not. I’m there.

 

Character

• Did I get a good sense of who they are (identity) and what they want/need?

For the most part. It’s still early enough in the story that not all of the protagonist’s character should be fully exposed.

 

• Could I ‘see’ them to some degree?

At this point that should have mostly been done. The new character introduced here, however, is not described much at all.

 

• Did their emotions come through in each scene?

Yes, though it always feels like A is holding something back.

 

 

Plot

• Did I understand what was happening in each scene?

Yes

• Were the characters working toward a specific goal?

Yes

• Did the storyline keep me interested?

Yes, though I think the new character was more interesting in and of herself.

 

Setting

• Did I feel part of the setting in each scene? Was there enough detail, or too little/too much?

Still pretty sketchy on detail. The five senses are mostly missing.

 

Dialogue

• Did I always know who was speaking?

Yes

• Was there enough dialogue, too little or too much?

The dialogue was fine, but more description and internal dialogue are needed.

• Did the dialogue flow like a real conversation? Were dialogue tags used correctly?

Yes

 

Pacing

• Did the chapter/scene flow well? (Did it feel too slow or too fast at any point?)

It’s a but slow, but it’s supposed to be.

• Was I able to follow the events as they happened?

Yes, though a little more focus on internal monologue would tie it in better.

 

Description

• Could I see what was happening clearly? Did the author create strong imagery?

We have school grounds and deserted streets, but little sense of either of these. Does the school look pristine and new? Is it an assortment of centuries-old buildings? Are there out of the way places that look neglected and in need of repair? Do the grounds and architecture of the school contrast with the city streets around it or blend in?

 

• Did I skim anywhere or feel distracted as I read? Was it interesting?

No skimming. Again, the newly-introduced character is what carried the interest.

 

• Did anything need more detail to make the scene feel more important and real?

There is a lot of talk but very little of the non-verbal communication that makes the conversation feel real.

 

Voice:

• Was the writing unique in some way? Do I feel like only this writer could write this story? Does the

viewpoint feel authentic?

Not especially. The narrative voice is not very prominent.

 

Ending:

• Did the scene end on a cliffhanger or create the urge to read on? Did the chapter feel complete?

Not exactly a cliffhanger, but there was definitely a sense of wanting to know where I stood and what role she might play in the future.

[ginger_reckoning]

This section is definitely more contemplative. I like the themes of teenage doomerism, and I think its very topical haha. I also think its a very intriguing conflict. Still, this is like the third scene of watching and commenting on people's memories. I don't think its bad in and of itself, but I feel like its missing some kind of concrete progression. Yes, they are getting her on their side, but in what ways will that change the situation? 

 

 

Dusk sub 4

 

“Center turned to liquid” interesting, but would not the pressure make it solid again? Idk this is literally the smallest gripe ever

 

Reading this on mobile so I don’t have page numbers, sorry. “Either the beautifying” –

“the” is extraneous here

 

“By walks around the school” by walking around the school? 

 

“Suffer’s Lu’s face” suffers L’s fate, I think. 

 

“Looks between the two of us” hmm, this is interesting. I wonder if she knows more about the situation than she’s letting on

 

“Little cottage in the words” in the woods

“Sibling lore” lol

 

I like the conversation towards the end of the chapter