4/27/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 2, 5176 words (L,SA)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

We start with the second part of chapter 2, and then go into chapters 3 and 4. Warning that the SA tag is for a full on-screen rape, which I normally don't do in my writing but decided to include within a specific context here. And an additional warning for suicide-related dynamics.

 

Thanks!

[Paul SB]

Overall this is pretty fascinating and engaging. You have a lot of room to explore themes in some depth (no doubt deeper than William Golding). One thing you might look at is that your narrator has a lot of thoughts but doesn’t really show a whole lot of emotion. There’s little in the way of visceral reactions to events, which gives A the look of either a pretty cold fish or else someone who is deeply disassociated. And as I have noted before, you aren’t doing a whole lot to put the reader into the scene. There was an anthropologist back in the ‘70s and ‘80s whose famous phrase was “thick description,” the point being that when explaining what is going on it’s important to put in enough and sufficiently vivid description that the reader can envision and judge the external factors that may have influenced the actors in the scene. It’s an easy thing to skip when a writer has so many other important things to juggle, but that’s what revision is for.

 

“Something about the atmosphere makes the stars visible at both day and night…” — That’s quite the trick. The only way I know of for that to happen is if there is no atmosphere. People are likely to ask …

 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to push you away. Let’s go back. We can do whatever you want.” — This is really generic and vague. The non-specificity makes it seem unreal.

 

“Ending your existence is bad, but becoming like me is worse. Isn’t that how you felt too?” — These are awfully harsh words for someone who just saw someone they cared about kill herself. It really makes A seem very self-absorbed and unlikeable.

 

“Holding onto the crystalline post of his bedframe, I see that Sparrow appears even more vulnerable when I’m looking down at him.” — I don’t see how A is looking down on S unless it’s a top bunk.

 

“They never told Lunaria outright that she was a nuisance, but when she knocked over appliances while playing alone with her toys they reminded her how everything they were doing was for her education and her future.” — What F-ing miserable-ass excuses for parents. That kind of upbringing can literally give people PTSD, MDD, or any number of depressive and anxiety disorders.

 

“You can’t do… what Lunaria did without hurting me.”

Neither could she.” — This is a seriously important thing to point out here.

 

“That’s when it hits me that I’ve won someone over. With his help, I might have a chance with the other twenty-seven.” — Plot-wise I get it, but at the end of that conversation that thought makes A seem a bit callous and manipulative. It might be good to add at least one sentence to mitigate that impression.

 

“At least she can never violate Sparrow again.” — As a sexual assault scene, this is pretty mild, and it’s ambivalent enough that it leaves a lot of questions. She didn’t pull a gun on him, or threaten him in any way. Unless there was a big social status gap between them, it gives more the impression that she was just so distraught she was desperate to keep him from leaving, and resulted to using sex to try to keep him there. She was taking advantage of his politeness to not freak out on her, and she didn’t actually do anything that would have satisfied her drive, if she was actually feeling any. It looks to me like S should have felt guilty for leaving her and not trying to get her some sort of help. You don’t leave suicidal people alone, though at his age S couldn’t have been expected to understand that. Not a lot of frontal lobe myelin yet. Still, it seems like the guilt was dismissed far too easily for the circumstances. It wasn’t really a black-and-white, simple situation, and I’m hoping that these characters will reflect on it again in the future. The suicide should nag at both of them for a long time, and since you are more interested in the emotion and atmosphere than action, this should be a good source.

 

“I find myself with little confidence in a group of teenagers to hold a fair vote without bribery or intimidation.” — Or cliquish behavior, like making it into a popularity contest.

 

“The stoic and rational Ignian spirit goes into outer space as soon as one is presented with a carrier of the dreadful gender disease.” — This is taking place in a distant future, and there doesn’t seem to be any clear signs of backsliding, so the gender ignorance seems a little out of place.

 

“We can be immortal. Young forever. Free from this dying world our parents handed us. All we have to do is accept it.” — Immortal, but trapped forever in one place, and at one level of maturity. I suspect A has a more reasonable take on these options. (Okay, the first paragraph in Chapter. 4 makes that clear.)

[ginger_reckoning]

Dusk sub 2 

 

Pg 1 “that I don’t trust him to see” personally I would separate this into a new sentence, cutting “that” and starting with “I don’t” 

 

“With curious eyes” I would add “and with” instead of just with 

 

“Are there shelters” I like this exchange 

 

“Loved who chose” needs a comma I think 

 

“Becoming like me is worse” I like this even though I don’t completely understand the mechanics at play here haha. 

 

Overall this chapter was really good! But like I said before, reads more like a middle chapter than one close to the beginning. A little more context and this will be awesome 

 

“Desperate to be serve” I think “be” should be cut 

 

The flashback is quite shocking, and I really like the scene afterwards, the consoling one

 

Ae says ae wants to win people over, but why exactly? To do what, just have them all vote to leave? Why exactly? I don’t have a clear grasp of aer goals. For the same reasons, the death earlier was not as impactful as it could have been, I think

 

I’m also a little confused about S. Is he just really attractive or does he have like seduction powers or something? 

 

Overall pretty solid! I like how the factions are already shaping up. Like I said though, I think I need a slightly better grasp of goals and stakes here.