Paul SB - Incompatible, sub07 - 4507 words

[Paul SB]

 

Hello yet again. Next installment, of course. Thanks for sticking with my hero so far. Entry 11 sees D wake up from the illness only to find that the house is under attack by slavers. Mostly I'm hoping that you get the name change at the end and it doesn't come across as hokey. Entry 12 is a funeral. I'm sure someone will tell me that it isn't plot relevant, but meeting an alien culture isn't good for much if you don't ever see their culture. Where's the fun in that? It also adds thematic weight, and helps propel the protagonist to a very important decision.

 

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: For the first one, I think we need a better understanding of the history between the AR and the J slavers. If the AR are this utopian society (at least according to A), what have they actually figured out as a community for dealing with the attacks? Why are the J okay with the heavy attrition it costs to attack armed communities? I think we also need more stakes for A facing down the slaver to justify why this is a big moment.

The second one read a bit better to me because we get more on what’s important to A—namely, the sense of community among the AR and how it stays strong even in the face of tragedy. That being said a lot of the details we get don’t really show this so they end up feeling unimportant, and I think we need firmer reasoning from A about why now is the time she’s choosing to leave.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. Given all the cultural context we get before this, I think some of that needs to be focused around how they deal with slavers for this to feel like a more natural shift

Pg 5. I think we need a bit more setup here for this to have proper stakes. Obviously slavers showing up to take people is bad, but I think we need more on why what the story is showing us (D fighting them off) is important to see.

Pg 8. Did the J take others in addition to killing one?

Pg 10. This is the first time we’re really getting much from D/A, which is good and I think we need more of. Though the autism comment feels a bit off. Even if it’s supposed to feel oversimplified because A doesn’t understand the issue well, I don’t think that’s the best way to show it

[Paul SB]

Thanks again. I can see what you mean about needing more background about the relationship between these two species. I created both of them ages ago, so it's easy for me to not provide enough info since they seem really clear to me. As far as why A chose this particular moment to leave, I thought it was clear enough, but I'll go back and try to make it better.

When life gives me lemons, I make merengue. Not good for my waistline, though.

[Appol PhD they/he]

9 hours ago, Paul SB said:

As far as why A chose this particular moment to leave, I thought it was clear enough, but I'll go back and try to make it better.

 

I think my reaction is less complete lack of clarity around her reasoning and more about needing the timing of it to feel like a big moment in her arc. Maybe it has to do with needing more internal conflict in the earlier chapters so I can get a clearer idea of how she's changing and making the decision based off it?

[Paul SB]

I'm trying to find my way between Hemingway and Dickens.