First Chapter of My Novel

[TheSurvivorofDeath]

Okay this is like the third time I've done this and I have never finished any of those projects, but I swear I'm gonna finish this one. I just wanted to share my first chapter and maybe my prologue to get some basic feedback on style and voice and that kind of stuff before I continue writing. I will not be sharing further progress until at least a first draft is done, but I wanted a bit of feedback before I continue. Anyway, here it is. 

Spoiler

Chapter I

The wind was cold. Cadmus Steel, Town Marshal, embraced the chill as he soared. He closed his eyes, letting the world around him fade away as the wind carried him higher into the air. He exalted in the thrill of flight, and he felt a similar emotion from the presence in the back of his mind. The Wind enjoyed this almost as much as he did.

As he reached a height where the air thinned, his ascent slowed. He came to a stop, his coat whipping around him, and began to plummet. The Wind wrapped tight around him, as it had on that winter night so many years ago, but this time he reassured it. It accepted his placations, and the force against his fall faded. He plummeted, his stomach rising into his throat as air raced past his ears, tugging at his coat. His right hand found his pocket as the stony ground grew closer, and he withdrew a small iron bar. Gripping the cold metal tight, he envisioned himself slamming to the ground, his skin and bones absorbing the shock with ease. Warmth flooded through him, the cold weight disintegrating in his hand, and he smiled.

Then he hit the ground.

…

A few minutes later, Cadmus entered the town of Starfall, still dusting off his coat and pants. A gust of wind hit him in the face, dislodging some of the dust stuck there, and a distinct impression of disapproval entered his mind. 

“Oh, stop,” Cadmus said. “You know I can have a little fun sometimes.

An image entered his mind, one of his wife. Serenity was a beautiful woman, with long blonde hair and stunning hazel eyes. She did not approve of Cadmus’s stunts.

Cadmus sighed. “She doesn’t need to know. Besides, it's no more dangerous than a typical day at work.”

The Wind still expressed disapproval, but did not respond. Cadmus made his way down Starfall’s Main Street, heading for the large wooden building that was the center of the small town’s society. The Fallen Star saloon was tame, as far as saloons went, but it was still a rowdy place at night. As he approached, sounds of revelry washed over Cadmus. Drunken singing went along with the gentle tune of the piano, and warm light washed over Cadmus and pooled at his feet as he reached the door to the establishment. This was not a place of sin, like similar places across the Frontier, but one of brotherhood and socialization. It was the center of Starfall, the oldest building still standing, and it welcomed any who came through its doors. 

Cadmus entered, the doors swinging back as he passed, and scanned the room. In the corner of the room, he spotted his deputy, Samuel Cain, alone at a table. He approached, signaling the barkeep for a drink as he walked. Samuel looked up as Cadmus sat, waiting for his drink to arrive before beginning their conversation. 

“Alright, Sam,” Cadmus said after a sip of his beer. “Anything interesting happen while I was gone?”

“No sir,” Samuel replied. “Quiet day.”

“Good, good,” Cadmus said, looking around as he took another drink.

“We did get a report over the wire–” Samuel was cut off by a bellow from across the room. 

“Cadmus Steel,” a slurred voice called. “We gotta score to settle.”

Cadmus turned in his chair with a sigh, his eyes finding a massive figure crossing the room on shaky legs. The man tottered drunkenly, precariously balancing a glass in his hand as he stumbled toward Cadmus.

“Come on now, Earl,” Cadmus said, smirking. “You must realize by now that you simply can’t beat me at darts.”

“You cheat, Steel,” Earl said, and the alcohol on his breath stung Cadmus’s eyes as he grew closer. “But I’m gonna win anyway.”

“Sure you are, Earl,” Cadmus said, rising and making his way to the dart board. “I’ll even use my left hand, to make it fair.”

Earl lumbered over to stand next to Cadmus, who handed him three darts. The man was certainly enormous, towering over Cadmus. Unfortunately, he was enormous in other ways, with a massive belly that jutted in front of him, and a pudgy face to match. Where he found enough food to achieve such a physique, Cadmus had no idea.

“You know tha rules, Steel,” Earl said, finishing his drink and slamming the glass on a nearby table. “Three shots, highest score wins.”

Cadmus chuckled at the man’s drunken confidence. “I know, Earl. You take the first throw.”

Earl did so, his shot going wide. It wasn’t a terrible one, for a man as drunk as he was, but it only earned him thirty points. 

“Spirits, Earl,” Cadmus chided as he lined up his shot. “You’ll have to do better than that to beat me.”

He released, and the dart found the center of the bullseye, eliciting cheers from the gathering crowd.

“I just gotta get warmed up, is all,” Earl said, preparing to take his second shot. It went wider than the first, the dart missing the board completely and embedding itself in the wood beside it.

“Warm yet?” Cadmus asked, his second dart landing just beside his first. “That’s another hundred for me.”

“I’ll show you, Steel,” Earl said, taking his time with his final shot. It flew true, just missing the bullseye for an eighty point score. The crowd cheered, louder than they had for Cadmus.

Cadmus cocked his head. “Not bad.”

He began to line up his final shot, but was interrupted by Samuel calling for him. 

“Hate to interrupt, boss, but we’ve gotta meet the train.”

“What train?” Cadmus asked, his arm frozen as he turned to face his deputy. 

“I’ll s’plain on the way,” Samuel said. “Let’s go.”

“Shame,” Cadmus said, his arm falling to his side. “I was looking forward to beating you again, Earl.”

As he turned to leave, he flicked the dart over his shoulder. A faint breeze blew through the room, and a satisfying thunk sounded behind him. Judging from the crowd’s reaction and Earl’s bellowed curse, Cadmus had struck the bullseye yet again. He turned and gave Earl a smile, then a wink, before meeting his waiting deputy at the door. 

“Why d’ya mess with them like that, boss?” Samuel asked, swinging the door open. 

“A man has to have some fun now and then, Sam,” Cadmus said. Besides, my abilities are no secret, so I can’t be cheating.”

“I s’pose, boss.”

“What’s this train business, Sam.”

“Like I was sayin’ before, boss, we got a message over the wire. Train coming through with some prisoners. The Sheriff’s with ‘em. Asked for us to meet the train when it stops.”

“Weaver’s finally paying me a visit, eh? Wonder what kind of prisoners he’s got.”

“We’ll find out, boss,” Sam said as they rounded a corner and came within sight of the train station.

The station was small, not much more than a ticket window and office. Attached to the building was a thin wooden platform, covered by an overhang to protect waiting travelers from the elements. Starfall did not see a lot of travel, with the station mostly being meant for food coming in and metals going out. As Cadmus and Samuel approached the station, the piercing whistle of an approaching train split the air. The Sheriff had arrived. 

The train screeched to a stop, dust billowing into the air around Cadmus. Though passenger trains were unheard of in this part of the Frontier, one like this was commonplace. The vehicle was composed of some twenty large cars, each designed to haul large amounts of food or resources to and from the many towns that dotted the desert. Some of that food would be for Starfall, their monthly delivery of grain and produce. Goats and cattle provided the town with meat, but the environment was too hostile to grow anything a man could eat. As the dust settled, the door to a nearby car slid open to reveal a group of a dozen or so men. At the front of the group stood a figure in a worn leather duster, eyes shaded by the brim of a hat that Cadmus was convinced was older than him. David Weaver, Sheriff of Absolution County. The closest thing to a  father Cadmus had ever known

“Weaver!” Cadmus shouted, a smile on his face.

The Sheriff turned, finding Cadmus, and produced a smile of his own. “Ah, Cadmus. How are you, son?”

“Best I can be, sir,” Cadmus said, traversing the short distance between them. “The Frontier is boring these days.”

“Better bored than dead, son,” Weaver replied, pulling Cadmus into an embrace.

“I hear you’ve brought me some prisoners,” Cadmus said as they separated, breaking free of his childlike enthusiasm. 

Weaver chuckled. “Right to the chase, then.”

“I told you,” Cadmus said, “I’ve been bored.”

“Yes, son, I have some prisoners,” Weaver said. “Strange lot.”

“How so?” Samuel asked, having finished talking to some of Weaver’s deputies. 

“They gave us no fight. Nothing. This group has been harassing the Frontier for decades, and they practically cuffed themselves.”

“Who are they?” Cadmus asked, curiosity raging in his chest. 

“A bandit crew, biggest in Absolution. They stick by the cities, so you wouldn’t have met them, but they give us some trouble over by Clearwater.”

“And they came in that easily?” Cadmus asked, skeptical. 

“Those boys over there said most of ‘em were dead when you got there, Sheriff,” Samuel chimed in.

“That’s the other thing,” Weaver replied, nodding. “Must’ve been a dozen stiffs in that hideout. I’ve got five men in that car, and they’re all that was left. No idea why they’re still alive. They won’t talk.”

“Can we talk to ‘em?” Samuel asked.

“No, Sam,” Cadmus said. “I need you to make sure the food gets unloaded properly. Keep the workers from snooping on the prisoners, will you.”

“I can do that, boss,” Samuel replied, turning to go. 

“Good man, Sam,” Cadmus said before turning back to the Sheriff. “You said this crew sticks to the cities. Where did you find them that you’d end up out here?”

“Down by Farfield, in a buried hideout. The Marshal there sent word after one of the townspeople found the place, torn apart.”

“Strange,” Cadmus mused. “Let’s have a talk with these prisoners.”

“I’ll be shocked if they say anything to you, son,” Weaver said as the two made their way into the straw-lined train car. 

The five prisoners were shackled to an iron bar mounted on the car’s far wall. All five stared at the floor, mumbling incoherently to themselves.

“What’s wrong with them?” Cadmus asked, looking to Weaver.
“We don’t know. Some kind of shock from whatever happened to their friends.”

“Makes sense,” Cadmus said, studying the men’s faces. “Wait.”

He moved closer to the prisoners, focusing on the one in the center. This man was older, probably around Weaver’s age, and he was the only one of the men who wasn’t badly injured, with most bearing bandages and bloodstained clothing. His face was marked by dozens of scars and scrapes. Even aged and injured as it was, Cadmus found that face strangely familiar. He moved closer, only a few feet from the man now, and it clicked. He’d glimpsed that face, just briefly, as it had emerged from a Clearwater alley sixteen years earlier. 

“You,” Cadmus breathed, eyes widening.

The man looked up, and recognition flashed in his eyes. “Steel,” Tommy rasped. “He said we’d see you. Said I’d know you.”

“Who did?” Cadmus asked.

“He came for us, for revenge. Killed everyone. Killed Frank.”

He paused, eyes glazing. “Tommy,” Cadmus said, shaking him. “Tommy!”

Tommy’s eyes came back into focus. “He’s in my head, Steel. He says–says I have to give you a message.”

“What message?” Cadmus said, his voice breaking as fear and confusion filled his mind. 

“He’s coming for you. He’s in my head. He wants you dead, Steel. Get him out of my head,” he began to rock back and forth, muttering to himself again.

“Who, Tommy?” Cadmus asked, shaking the man again.

The reply was a whisper, barely audible.

The man collapsed back into a muttering mess, rocking back and forth and whispering about a man in his head. Cadmus stared for a moment, shock and confusion numbing him, before a rough hand on his shoulder shook him back to reality. 

“Son. Son!” Weaver said, and Cadmus knew he must have said it several times before. “What’s wrong son?”

“I know this man,” Cadmus said, slowly coming back to himself. “He’s one of the men that tried to kill me. Before you found me.”

“Ah,” Weaver said, frowning. “What did he say to you, son?”

“He said–” Cadmus began, swallowing hard before he continued. “He said someone is coming for me.”

“Who, son?”

Cadmus steadied himself, wobbling from the strange force behind Tommy’s words. When he spoke, it was a quiet, rasping sentence, filled with fear and worry. 

“A Man in Black.”

I do have a prologue that I am debating keeping, but I can share that if anyone wants. Otherwise, feedback is welcome and encouraged. Thank you.

[AltonicKeys he/him]

Ooo alright, you've got my attention. Always love a western story, and I like how the place names sound. Absolution, Clearwater, Starfall, it all has that old-timey feel.

I'm pretty interested in the whole deal with the Wind and its relationship with Cadmus, and his whole magic thing. Why can he do it, why does everyone already know about it, etc. 
Similarly, I am really intrigued about Tommy, and why he's being possessed. Whoever this Man in Black is, I really want to know more.

I'm kinda confused about the whole darts thing. Is there really a purpose for it, other than introducing Earl? Nothing wrong if it is, but it just feels a little bit out of place. I don't know, that's just me.

For the writer's voice and style, I don't really see anything too out of the ordinary. It's all very objective, just describing everything that's happening. If that's what you want, I think it works, given the current story

I get that it might take a while, but I'm pretty excited to see more of this!