12/29/2025 - AnAirSickFool - Ruin Of Kingdom sub 4, 3386

[AnAirSickFool]

this is the 3rd chapter which is mostly to showcase the city a little as well as other nobles.

[Paul SB]

What Worked:

A’s musings as he passes through the streets definitely gives a strong sense of character, and especially of adolescence.

 

Not So Much:

Apart from the very distracting punctuation and grammar errors, by far the biggest issue with this chapter is that it is entirely in the protagonist’s head. Go back and look at all the places where you could have shown what people are doing instead of just telling, and use A’s thoughts to reveal more of the background.

 

“He wanted to see if he could help find a way around his grandfather’s wishes to avoid participating in the war. He hoped that with his uncle’s help he could find some way around his grandfather’s will.” — Very clear case of telling when you could easily show this through dialogue. Feeding the reader like this can feel like being talked down to.

 

“… working in construction or engineering.” — Would engineering be a word they would use in this setting?

 

The paragraph that starts with, “He saw some binders on their way home from work.” is a very good example of a place where you told the reader when you could have easily shown the reader what was happening.

 

“They walked through the crowds like heroes in their dark clothes open at the chest to show the seals …” — There’s an obvious question here: are they all men? If not, then the bare chest thing might need either modifying or some recognition of a different cultural norm.

[Appol PhD they/he]

I like the city atmosphere and the way A reflects on how he doesn't fit in. The actual plot of interfering with the noble didn't work as well for me. It does the job in a sense of showing the problems with the city and how A wants to use his powers to fix them, but I don't feel like it tells us enough about how A specifically approaches these kinds of problems and what the specific problems are in this setting besides overall power abuse.