AnAirsickFool - Ruin of Kingdom sub 2, 3264 words

[AnAirSickFool]

This is the first main chapter for the book.

[Appol PhD they/he]

All right time to get to this while it’s still this week’s submission cycle!

Overall: There are some elements I like here, like the card-cutting as a specific way to focus on precision and outcomes that S understands but A doesn’t. That being said, I unfortunately don’t think the plot is all that tight here. Some of my submissions here have gotten the feedback that there’s basically no plot even when I thought I had lots of things happen, because what’s missing is the sense that these things are important and chosen with precision. That’s a bit of the feeling I get here. For example, we get a lot on A being late and it does force him to take action but ultimately I don’t think the dynamic of him being late is complex enough to carry the story. Even though we get specific ways he deals with being late, it doesn’t feel like a cohesive story with a tight plot and real stakes. Hopefully that makes sense.

Pg 1. The first thing I notice is that for a new character like A we need a character hook. A’s story can start anywhere, so why is this important enough to be his beginning point?

Pg 3. It feels like we’re still stuck on the same point that we opened the chapter with. A’s late, and I’m not getting a lot else from him.

Pg 6. The card-cutting task here does help regain some of my engagement. It’s nice and specific compared to A being late.

Pg 8. A’s father has some nice potential to complicate the situation between them, though I think it has to be used in a precise way to get me fully on board. 

[Paul SB]

While I agree with Appol about there being little sense of how this is moving the plot forward, the first few chapters need to provide a lot of information about the world, the characters, and show what is normal in the protagonist's life before dumping said protagonist into the adventure. I'm a little less worried about the sense of plot relevance because of that. There should be some sense of direction from the very beginning, though.

 

What Worked:

“Yes(,) it would do you well to see what is happening since you will be handling the affairs of the house sooner or later.” — Good ending, especially how it shows that M has some level of confidence in A.

“Anthony could still not understand why his grandfather employed the man. He was not even a great gardener and he made almost everyone feel uncomfortable.” — This gives the impression that J is going to have some important role to play later.

You’ve done a good job of keeping in your protagonist’s head, so the reader gets to know him. One suggestion: there’s no hard and fast rule, but it’s common to set apart the words a character thinks by putting them in italics.

“Then maybe the other families would not look down on us.” — Clear teen angst.

 

“Anthony looked down(,) surprised at all this. His chair looked damaged(,) almost as if it had aged years. In addition there was a thin layer of frost on the metal.” — I like this effect, it gives an impression that magic isn’t just wishful thinking. If you have worked out a system for your magic, it would be good to go into it a bit more.

 

Not So Much:

“If Anthony remembered the layout correctly …” — Why would Anthony not know the layout of the home he spent his whole life in?

 

“If he could become a warrior and join the military then maybe he could restore prestige to the house of Interitius.” — Since you are using Roman names, it would read better if you used terminology from Roman times, like the Legion instead of the military.

 

“Then he(,) to(o)(,) could be a great warrior and hopefully turn around their declining house.” — You bring up this motivation multiple times, but I think we need more detail about how the family has declined.

 

“Our power is dangerous …” — I hope at some point you are going to show this rather than just having someone talk about it.

[AnAirSickFool]

On 12/21/2025 at 10:20 PM, Appol PhD said:

All right time to get to this while it’s still this week’s submission cycle!

 

Overall: There are some elements I like here, like the card-cutting as a specific way to focus on precision and outcomes that S understands but A doesn’t. That being said, I unfortunately don’t think the plot is all that tight here. Some of my submissions here have gotten the feedback that there’s basically no plot even when I thought I had lots of things happen, because what’s missing is the sense that these things are important and chosen with precision. That’s a bit of the feeling I get here. For example, we get a lot on A being late and it does force him to take action but ultimately I don’t think the dynamic of him being late is complex enough to carry the story. Even though we get specific ways he deals with being late, it doesn’t feel like a cohesive story with a tight plot and real stakes. Hopefully that makes sense.

Pg 1. The first thing I notice is that for a new character like A we need a character hook. A’s story can start anywhere, so why is this important enough to be his beginning point?

 

Pg 3. It feels like we’re still stuck on the same point that we opened the chapter with. A’s late, and I’m not getting a lot else from him.

 

Pg 6. The card-cutting task here does help regain some of my engagement. It’s nice and specific compared to A being late.

 

Pg 8. A’s father has some nice potential to complicate the situation between them, though I think it has to be used in a precise way to get me fully on board. 

 

 

 

On 12/22/2025 at 4:55 PM, Paul SB said:

While I agree with Appol about there being little sense of how this is moving the plot forward, the first few chapters need to provide a lot of information about the world, the characters, and show what is normal in the protagonist's life before dumping said protagonist into the adventure. I'm a little less worried about the sense of plot relevance because of that. There should be some sense of direction from the very beginning, though.

 

What Worked:

“Yes(,) it would do you well to see what is happening since you will be handling the affairs of the house sooner or later.” — Good ending, especially how it shows that M has some level of confidence in A.

“Anthony could still not understand why his grandfather employed the man. He was not even a great gardener and he made almost everyone feel uncomfortable.” — This gives the impression that J is going to have some important role to play later.

You’ve done a good job of keeping in your protagonist’s head, so the reader gets to know him. One suggestion: there’s no hard and fast rule, but it’s common to set apart the words a character thinks by putting them in italics.

“Then maybe the other families would not look down on us.” — Clear teen angst.

 

“Anthony looked down(,) surprised at all this. His chair looked damaged(,) almost as if it had aged years. In addition there was a thin layer of frost on the metal.” — I like this effect, it gives an impression that magic isn’t just wishful thinking. If you have worked out a system for your magic, it would be good to go into it a bit more.

 

Not So Much:

“If Anthony remembered the layout correctly …” — Why would Anthony not know the layout of the home he spent his whole life in?

 

“If he could become a warrior and join the military then maybe he could restore prestige to the house of Interitius.” — Since you are using Roman names, it would read better if you used terminology from Roman times, like the Legion instead of the military.

 

“Then he(,) to(o)(,) could be a great warrior and hopefully turn around their declining house.” — You bring up this motivation multiple times, but I think we need more detail about how the family has declined.

 

“Our power is dangerous …” — I hope at some point you are going to show this rather than just having someone talk about it.

Thanks for the replies.

I can see the point about how being late is a little weak. I can probably workshop that a bit and add some tension to the scene or something.

the use of army instead of legion is a good catch. the original draft had simple names for most things and It seems I missed changing things into their proper names.

the decline of the family is something I need to go into in more detail. I had planned on doing it in a later chapter, but if it would help I could explain a bit more in this one or the next one.

Other then that thank you for the advice.