Paul SB - Twilight's Rift sub25 - 4159 words (L) 2116 words

[Paul SB]

This is it, the conclusion of the first book (I'm currently drafting the fifth). Here you find out what happened when they escaped the battle, and a very nasty unintended consequence. Since this is the first in a series, I did not intend to tie up every loose end, but if you read this and have burning questions, let me know. I'll see if they are things that can be addressed in the denouement here, or if they are already covered in a later story. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed the ride!

Edited December 10, 2025 by Paul SB
I wasn't supposed to put the summaries in there.

[AnAirSickFool]

Finished the chapter and these are my thoughts.

I liked the overall tone of the chapter. it was hopeful with eyes to the future.

the only things that bothered me are small nitpicks. things like wondering how they were found. the ships show up to help them within a reasonable amount of time, but space is huge so without something to justify showing up it would not be possible to find them. The other nitpick would be wondering about how Dipole works and how that would effect a planet and how that would impact life on it. 

these are only nitpicks though. Since I enjoy hard sci fi, I am always wondering these kinds of questions.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: Congrats on your final submission for the book! It’s a big accomplishment, and it’s been nice to read through and see where the ride ends.

I think this chapter itself mostly works, and my one suggestion is to have a bit of a clearer plan moving forward so that this feels like the start of something new and keeps up the momentum going into the next book.

More of my thought went into how the previous submission ties into this one. I think the last submission worked well for me as a low point for the characters but not quite as a big climax and resolution. It feels like the stakes aren’t quite there because I don’t understand what the protags could have done better and how the situation could have ended up different. If they didn’t make any mistakes in the moment then this isn’t actually the pivotal moment of the story, which is why most stories that end with a setback for the protagonists feel like they’re on a knife’s edge until the protags make one key mistake. I think there’s a potential version of the story that plays with that inevitability and focuses on how outmatched they are by the powerful corporate military forces, but I think the tone and atmosphere have to be quite different for that to land.

As I go:

Pg 4. I’m mixed on V being pregnant. It’s a cool detail, don’t get me wrong, but we have five pages left in the book and I’m not sure this is the right dynamic to wrap up everything that happened.

Pg 5-6. I like the idea of the D pivoting to helping resistance on more local scales after the big defeat, and I think we need a bit more detail on what that looks like.

[Paul SB]

5 hours ago, AnAirSickFool said:

Finished the chapter and these are my thoughts.

I liked the overall tone of the chapter. it was hopeful with eyes to the future.

the only things that bothered me are small nitpicks. things like wondering how they were found. the ships show up to help them within a reasonable amount of time, but space is huge so without something to justify showing up it would not be possible to find them. The other nitpick would be wondering about how Dipole works and how that would effect a planet and how that would impact life on it. 

these are only nitpicks though. Since I enjoy hard sci fi, I am always wondering these kinds of questions.

Thanks for the input. I went back and added an explanation for how they were found. One of the D managed to repair its communication circuits and called for help. Simple enough. It's pretty traditional in old-school sci-fi to explain how your FTL works, but I didn't find any good place to do that without it feeling like an irrelevant data dump. I'll have to go back and see if I can find a good place to do that. Last summer I wrote a spin-off that takes place centuries earlier that goes into that.

4 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

I think this chapter itself mostly works, and my one suggestion is to have a bit of a clearer plan moving forward so that this feels like the start of something new and keeps up the momentum going into the next book.

When I wrote this I planned for a trilogy, and I thought it would work best if I structured it like the original Star Wars trilogy. Star Wars itself ended on a very hopeful note, but left plenty of room for sequels. The Empire Bites Back went much more dark and was a real low point, but made the third movie inevitable. And you know how Return of the Dead Guy ended. So my next book will end badly for our heroes, but they will manage to wrap things up in the third.

Pg 4. I’m mixed on V being pregnant. It’s a cool detail, don’t get me wrong, but we have five pages left in the book and I’m not sure this is the right dynamic to wrap up everything that happened.

The pregnancy is part of the theme of the trilogy. It's basically about evolution, and how cut-throat capitalism results in stagnation. Since evolution is a generational process, there has to be reproduction. The baby will become an important character in the fourth book.

At this point I've changed enough that I might have to do some work on Book 2 before I can start submitting again. Thanks for all your input.