Paul SB - Twilight's Rift sub23 - 4738 words (L)

[Paul SB]

Now we're at the beginning of the climax. I hope it will be an enjoyable ride. In the first entry the hex undergoes the brain modification. I hope it comes across as sufficiently strange while at the same time not completely altering the identities and personalities of the protagonists.  

In the second entry the security chief reveals to the president of the most powerful corporation that their biggest rival is sending a fleet to the Meritocracy's central labor production facility, which puts them in a panic. Here I'm wondering if there is enough information for the reader to understand why they are so freaked out.

In the third entry, the president of that rival corporation leads his fleet personally when the D-and come into the system. He attempts to threaten them unsuccessfully and ends by ordering his ships to engage the enemy. Does the threat exchange go on long enough, or is the determination on both sides solid enough that there is no need for more grandstanding and Spiderman-level one-liners?

[AnAirSickFool]

Answering questions

One: The modification felt more drug like. the way it was written brought to mind drugs and addiction instead of something positive but that might be because of using words like "crave" along with descriptions of not wanting to leave.

Two: I think this part was nailed. No comments.

Three: The mention of dead wife kind of threw me for a second. seems out of place. It comes across as the kind of thought for when someone is dying. other then that the determination comes across fairly well, but the way the scene is framed and how people act makes it hard for me to feel tension. the description of just one of the ships makes them sound invincible and the confidence of the protagonists make it seem like victory is guaranteed so I do not feel tension in the moment. It seems like the corporation will lose and it will not be a contest.

those are my thoughts. 

[Paul SB]

Thanks for the feedback. I went over the brain mod chapter and toned it down a bit, placed more emphasis on them growing a feeling of community. The dead wife reference was partly to humanize the antagonist a bit, but also to show that he wasn't 100% certain he was going to survive the encounter. Hopefully you'll see inn the next chapter that it isn't exactly no contest, but of course the heroes have to win in the end. Otherwise there wouldn't be any sequels.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: For the first chapter, I like the general plot of the protagonists accepting T alterations to show how their relationship will be mutually beneficial. I think the main thing needed here is specificity. What exactly about this specific change is so lucrative for the T and what are specific things the protags have done over the story to show that they’re the ones to bond with the T when no other humans have before?

With the next two chapters, we get some good moments of character voice but it doesn’t feel like we need to see this from the PoVs we get. Most of the content we get is the conversation at the end, and while I think it does make sense to tell that from M’s perspective so we understand his reactions I care about the protags’ perspective more than his at this point. I’d recommend trimming and/or focusing on why we need M’s PoV here.

As I go:

Pg 1-3. I like that the nursemaid has a bit of a different voice from the protagonists, though I think we need a bit more conflict here

Pg 5-6. I like the overall beats here, though I think ME’s argument and how it’s received are a bit overly general. What matters here is less change as a grand abstract concept and more about whether this change is beneficial.

Pg 7-8. Again I think the story needs to be more specific about setting up how the protags win the T over. Right now the decision feels a bit arbitrary and isn’t grounded in concrete actions the characters took.

Pg 10. I do like some of the satirical elements here like F treating destabilizing the economy as being this unthinkable horror. Right now though I don’t think this scene has shown me why it’s necessary for the story.

Pg 14. Similar thoughts on this chapter so far. Nothing wrong with how it reads but I’m not sure why this is important enough to show in scene.