11/10/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 13, 4922 words (VLG)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Things go badly for one of our protagonists and slightly less badly for the other as part of the leadup to their eventual reunion. Curious to see how it reads! 

[Paul SB]

What Worked

Chapter 25:

“So we stay on the floor and stare at each other the same way we did in our beds as little children who didn’t want to go to sleep.” — This really puts the sting in the situation for J.

 

“Because all of this time, I’ve been speaking to a cog in the machine.” — And this makes it generalizable. No matter what the machine is (a government, an industry, a church) a cog is still just a cog.

 

“My mom loves me, and it doesn’t mean a damn thing.” — Ditto here, like the Nazi prison guards who were “only following orders” doing evil things, the corporate employees who put poison in the food supply because the executives wanted to save money using cheap but toxic ingredients, ICE thugs brutalizing innocent people because they believe the lies about them all being violent criminals, even the babies and toddlers. The example abound.

 

Chapter 26:

“I’m worried that they’ll take me in as a suspect before reminding myself that some humans work to heal instead of persecuting and killing. My people need to see that.” — Great case for not letting fear become paranoid delusion. Another timely theme with all these people pretending that the Cold War never ended.

 

“I can tell the temperature isn’t lower than normal, but without Kay it feels like this world has gotten colder.” — Some people would see this as sappy, but I know enough about the neurochemistry of romantic attachment that this is real.

“And there’s no way to reverse what she did to Kay.” — Oh my, now that’s quite the plot twist! Of course making K into a vampire makes her more compatible with J, even though he’s a werewolf, since they are now both supernatural and K won’t be able to go back to her old life.

 

 

Not so Much

Chapter 25:

“…next to the sound…” Huh? Try something like: “… I hear the stake clatter to the floor about where the thump of G’s falling body came from.”

“Still wrestling A for the gun, I reach over and snatch it up off the ground. I hold it up to A’s arm, which finally gets him to let go of the gun as he recoils back.” How does A pick up the gun off the ground if A is already holding it? Here’s another sentence that just doesn’t make sense. Try reading what you wrote out loud. That sometimes helps you hear what’s wrong with what made sense when you were only thinking it.

 

“That’s exactly why I can’t keep running and locking myself away. It’s time to do whatever it takes for my community to survive.” — If this is intended to be a werewolf coming-of-age tale, this is exactly the kind of statement everyone would expect. But there’s a problem with the words “whatever it takes.” That Machiavellian attitude is exactly what makes people into monsters. Maybe it’s your intention to make J into an anti-hero, and this is going to end as a fall arc. If so, this is a good setup for it. If not, then you have a bit of an issue here.

 

“Stop.” Her voice is iron. “Stay quiet and we’ll never speak of this again.” — If K’s mother this dumb and overconfident? Playing the authoritarian parent role is obviously going to backfire, especially when she pretty much abandoned K for most of her childhood. If she were smart she would either try to smooth-talk K or go for the sympathy ploy.

 

Chapter 26:

“… and together we sweep them into an empty cremation urn.” — There just happens to be an empty cremation urn lying around? Maybe if they were in a crematorium, but this is people’s homes. An empty coffee can would make more sense, with the promise to get an urn later.

[ginger_reckoning]

So my main thoughts on this one, other than in the LBL's is that the emtional moments are good, but there are some parts (I'm particualrly thinking J's reaction after killing A and going to the coffee shop) that seem emotionally disconnected. Overall though, I'm excited to see where this is going!

 

 

Sub 13

 

Pg1

“Next to the sound of G’s body” Idk why exactly, but the words “next to” I think should be replaced with “alongside” I think because “next to” seems specifically spacial 

 

“From wrestling each other” it was already established they were wrestling, I think this can be cut

 

“Any opening I give A” since it is not immediately obvious (at least to me) that moving his position might give A an opening, I would change this sentence to be something more like “I force down the urge…since A’s lightning fast reflexes could turn any movement into an opening…” or something like that

 

“Who didn’t want to go to sleep” I like the emotional content of this sentence but in the context of the action, I think could be streamlined a little 

 

“There’s a reason legends say” I actually didn’t know this, I just thought a silver bullet could kill them. Later down I see it was intended to be a comforting lie, but still, it’s another reference to a specific way the magic works that’s presented like it’s well-known

 

“Sacrifice him” nice

 

Pg 3 I get the feeling A is trying to goad J into killing him, but not sure

 

I am really liking the conversation between A and J here

 

Pg 5 I would recommend starting a new chapter when it switches to K here

 

“Take out back into town” I have no idea what this means. Just that she’ll go back into town?

 

Page 6 

I think this reveal was set up well, but I think a little more foreshadowing in earlier chapters could also help, like maybe just happening to always meet up at night, or something. More clues that K can put together other than what just barely happened

 

“The scanner can use vampire magic” This is kind of a leap in logic, I think, but I think it can work with just a little bit of…idk the right word, lmapshading I think? Specifically the part that it can use vampire magic, rather than just being an built-in feature of the scanner, which I think would be more reasonable to assume. Something like “the scanner doesn’t just scan, you can use it to control vampires” and then maybe her mom confirms that only other vampires can use that function? Idk, might be pedantic haha

 

“Figures that out?” oh sh*t haha that’s scary 

“I wanted to see” I like this imagery. Cog in the machine is a little cliche but this particular expansion on that is really good I think

 

“A damn thing” also a really good line!

 

Pg 8 So is this the first time humans have been to the tunnels in an official capacity? Given his concern about staying hidden, I think he would be at least a little worried about the authorities now knowing about the tunnels, or having to relocate or something. A description of the medics looking around in bewilderment or saying something about the tunnels might be good too, it seems odd enough that even a professional might make a remark about being out in the middle of nowhere, especially since zoning laws might make that illegal. At the very least, I can see that finding a bunch of people living in a tunnel complex could make a viral internet meme, like when they discovered the tunnels in new york last year 

 

“Stupid leading question” I would add a comma, like “stupid leading question, but he’s right” 

 

I am a little confused as to why they are at the coffee shop. I thought they were waiting for K to message them or something? Anyway, it does seem a little odd to me that J isn’t doing much here, and I also don’t know what the plan is exactly. Considering everything that has happened, he seems pretty emotionally unaffected at the coffeshop as well

 

N has a very unique voice compared to the other characters, which can be funny but I am also glad that the narrative seems to be aware that he is being intentionally annoying hahah

 

Pg 15 “1.5 meters of height” would it not be 1.5 meters tall? 

“Or whatever the equivalent” I would separate this from the rest of the sentence with an em dash since it’s a bit of an aside 

 

I like N’s narration haha