Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 12, 4464 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

This time we've got more of K's and J's individual stories before they meet back up again. Thanks for reading! 

[Paul SB]

What Worked:

Chapter 23

The very odd, and callous, behavior of the mom makes for an interesting puzzle.

 

“Leave it to the man who killed his father to bury his son as well.” — This guy has a seriously heavy burden of guilt.

 

Chapter 24

“My mom trusts me. I can do this.” — these short sentences work very well here.

 

“She had that attachment to strengthen the scanner ready in her pocket. That doesn’t seem like the preparation of someone who plans to send it to the trash compactor.” — Great observation for a bright adolescent to make.

 

“I know what you are.” I turn towards her. “So I had to save her from you.” — Now that adds quite the twist!

 

 

Not So Much:

Chapter 23

“… she has me lather on garlic.” — I feel like we need to see this. Is she rubbing garlic powder all over herself, or much more wet and pungent granulated garlic? Is the mother squeezing cloves in a garlic press?

 

“… she explains that the Aegis has magical wards …” — Cryptids are one thing, but magic has never come up before. This sounds like the kind of thing an adult might make up when talking to a little kid, and no doubt that is exactly what K would think about that.

 

Chapter 24

 

“Even as I attack, I expect D’s catlike reflexes to twist her out of the way. But her focus on my mother is even more single-minded than I expect, and while she does notice me and begin moving eventually it’s too late.” — The general consensus is that when you are describing an action scene, write short sentences. The shorter sentences make the thoughts seem to come faster, more staccato, making it a more exciting experience for the reader.

 

“J lets out a deep roar and lunges for A. His finger goes to the trigger in panic, …” — The problem here is that “His” refers to A, but it looks like it refers to J. If you cut out “for A” then replace “His” with “A” the sentences will be more clear.

 

Yet again in the fight with Aiguo, your sentences are too long.

 

It isn’t exactly clear if the silver bullet is going to kill G or if he’ll recover later, presuming J & W stop A.

[ginger_reckoning]

Good action scenes in this one, definitely very tense. Like a say later down, as with J's mom earlier, I would either like more earlier chapters from G to establish he will have viewpoints later, or earlier chapters from a several different characters to establish that there will be lots of viewpoints other than J or K. Overall though, good submission!

Sub 12

 

 

“Stare at the words” this is ambiguous and possibly a mistake? Is it supposed to be “stare at the woods” or “stare after the words” as in the words she said, or “stare at the words on the wall”? After reading the next few sentences I think it’s the latter. 

 

“Is it okay if I come in?” Ah, she is already a vampire. Personally, I would try to either remove the first the first instance of thinking something is weird about the wards or tone it down slightly, or make this request more subtle because I feel like K, being as smart as she is and obsessing about vampire for the last few days would probably make this connection. Of course, I can also see her being blinded to the possibility since it is her own mom. That is an interesting twist tho!

 

Pg2 “cavern looks like a set” I think is missing the word “that” after cavern

 

Pg4 “N who contacts B who relays the message” whoah, long sentence with lots of names! I think this needs a little lampshading if its supposed to be intentionally long-winded

 

I do like that we get to see from G’s perspective! I like when books have lots of perspectives, some from random or side characters. It does make the one chapter from the mom vampire stand out a little less, but I still think with her in particular there should be at least one more chapter earlier from her perspective, or alternatively, chapters earlier in the book from G’s perspective

 

“Beautiful in that way I never appreciated” I would split this sentence in two, personally. 

 

“not -quite-boy” this seems like an insensitive way of putting it, which may be in character for him, but I would just advise to be careful, since this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, and while I don’t think this represents your own views, people might read it that way

 

“Earlier than he should” I like this line

“Bury his son” oof

 

Pg 8 Whoah, okay, I didn’t know the scanner could stun people too, I thought it just said if someone was supernatural or not. Did K know the scanner could do this?

 

“Ready to fall as a footnote” I get the point of this clause, but I feel like now is just not the time in a fast-paced segment like this, I think it just distracts from the imagery. I would end the sentence after “Movie” and cut the rest

 

“ tried to kill herself” I am actually still not clear on this. Is it because she didn’t want to be captured alive? I may be stupid haha, I think K should more solidly state her reason for concluding she is not completely a villain

 

Nice, I’m gald K figured it out!

 

“A younger boy I don’t recognize” the phrase “I don’t recognize” can be cut, it’s implied when he doesn’t say who it is by name. Same with the “also haven’t seen”. Alternatively if you want to emphasize that he doesn’t know either you could add a sentence afterwards along the lines of “I don’t know either of them” but I think the sentence flow better without those two phrases

 

“J’s spirt” spirit?