11/03/25 PaulSB Twilight's Rift sub 20, 4109 words

[Paul SB]

Thanks to everyone who is taking the time to read my scribbles. The first entry here may not be strictly necessary to the plot, but it does a lot to explain the very important decision in the next entry and to flesh out one of my alien species. Not a lot of action, but I hope people will find it fascinating.

Twilight’s Rift Summaries by Entry

 

Entry 01.01 - Introduces two slaves who live on a luxury cruise liner and are trying to escape by meeting someone who claims to be with the local equivalent of the Underground Railroad. The person turns out to be a creep who is trying to exchange a way to remove the cyanide capsules in their necks for sex. Fortunately the ship's priest shows up before the protagonist flattens him with a stool over the head.

 

Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-001 - Meanwhile, at the HQ of the biggest corporation in the galaxy, the Security Chief meets with the President and the company telepath to discuss a plan to use a stolen alien artifact to bait spies from rival corporations by putting it on a cruise ship.

 

Entry 01.02 - This is a Save the Cat moment for a character met in the first entry, where she consoles a young kid crying in the night.

 

Supplemental Entry 015BBB3//-000 - A mercenary company who have an advanced spaceship sneak onto the cruise ship to steal the alien artifact and are massacred by the company telepath.

 

Entry 01.03 - One of the six bunkmates who is mute and in some sort of cataleptic state (similar to what psychologists call “stiff man syndrome,” like in the Robin Williams movie “Awakenings”) inexplicably wanders down to the lowest deck of the ship. The others follow her and find a strange alien spaceship jutting through the hull of their ship.

 

Entry 01.04 - The mute character attaches herself to a column on the bridge of the alien spaceship, while the rest spend a little time exploring. The ship’s computer informs them that the previous crew are dead and they are now the crew of a ship that has some advanced technology.

 

Entry 01.05 - The escapees (except T) fly a shuttle down to a middle-of-nowhere planet to try out the night life, and immediately split up in spite of A’s insistence that they stay together. A asks R to tag along with P to keep her out of trouble.

 

Entry 01.06 - ME heads straight for the nearest church, and in spite of her own doubts, betrays them.

 

Entry 01.07 - I is sent to keep P out of trouble, but when P slips off to a private room with some random man, R sneaks away, mumbling to herself about not wanting anyone to know the truth about her.

 

Entry 01.08 - ME leaves the church with her mind spinning, looking for the others. She finds P on the dance floor, but someone shoots at them. In the chaos T is stunned and has to be carried out by ME, A, and P. ME swears she didn’t turn them in, though it’s doubtful anyone believes her. With help from the computer on their new ship they find that R has been captured by a labor reseller company.

 

Entry 01.09 - A refuses to leave R behind, so she and T bust her out of her holding cell. Delirious after a brutal interrogation, R confesses the homosexual desire she has hidden for years, which baffles A but doesn’t convince her to leave R behind.

 

Entry 01.10 - This is mostly a flashback, where an unconscious R revisits the moment when she was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 16. On waking she is tended by the frivolous P, who tells her that her secret is out, though it was T, not A, who spilled it.

 

Supplemental Entry 014BFF1//-002 - This entry introduces a major antagonist, who paid the mercenary whose ship the protagonists have stolen to get the alien artifact. As president of the second most powerful corporation in the Meritocracy, he is quite ruthless, as is his second-hand man, who heads R & D and designs biological weapons.

 

Entry 01.11 - A reveals that the former owner of their ship had a very ambitious plan to wipe out the only planet in the Meritocracy that is devoted entirely to labor production (making, training, then selling slaves), which he intended to fund by stealing and selling a mysterious alien artifact that was traveling on the ship they just escaped from. They decide to go after the artifact themselves, but intend to use the money to rescue slaves instead of killing them.

 

Entry 01.12 - Four of the protagonists sneak back onto their former workplace (the cruise ship) disguised as maids. Shortly after they arrive, an alien vessel belonging to the species the artifact was stolen from shoot down the engines of the cruise ship and drop off a boarding party. Our heroes run into this boarding party and are so scared by the aliens they run back to their own ship and pull out.

 

Entry 01.13 - While hiding in a ring they realize that their ship can temporarily phase shift with the universe, making it briefly impervious to attack. ME still holds out against R, clinging to the dogma that has been her whole life.

 

Entry 01.14 - A visits R in her room to find her suicidal and talks her down without going so far as to completely accept her. A is unsure and wallows in her own sense of guilt. She gets R off topic by involving her in planning their next move.

 

Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-024 - Planning session with the antagonists. F decides to make no effort to save the population on a factory world that M&M hit with an engineered plague, and devote more resources to the Black Op involving the alien artifact, and striking back at Veblen Insurance.

 

Entry ??? - This is one I edited out, but might put back in. It belongs between Entries 12 and 13. After nearly losing their bladder contents when they ran into the alien original owners of the artifact they were trying to steal, A loses her temper, and with a little bit of teasing from P, freaks out and tries to drown her.

 

Entry 01.15 - Our intrepid crew go to an out-of-the-way mining colony where they meet a friend of the ship’s original owner, hoping to convince the guy to help them. Since he is a leader in the Underground, and very rich, their goals coincide and he provides them with money to hire a group of professional thieves he knows.

 

Entry 01.17 - A & R return from meeting JR with money to help them accomplish their goal. R searches out To (the mute character) and informs her that JR has doctors who might be able to help her. She suggests that To should go with JR while the rest of them carry on, but To doesn’t respond. T shows up and apologizes for previous misdemeanors (including punching R in the face).

 

Entry 01.18 - A & T meet a trio of thieves that JR recommended they hire to help them steal the alien artifact they hope will fund their daring plan. One of them guns down a pair of slave hunters who go after A & T.

 

Entry 01.19 - After the new hires are brought aboard, R, P, and ME go down to Keekarok to meet a representative of President M, who promised to pay B for the snag. The rep has a hologram projector/interstellar communicator so his boss can speak to B directly. R tells him that B is dead and they are taking over his contract.

 

Supplemental Entry 014BFF1//-004 - President M, the only CEO who has psionic abilities, has a prophetic dream that horrifies him. He interprets the dream to mean that all humanity was going to be destroyed by aliens, but since Truth Dreams can act as warnings he decides that he has to do something to save humanity from extinction.

 

Entry 01.20 - While getting ready to return to the mission, A has a heart to heart talk with ME, the only one who is still really bothered by the fact that R is gay, and confirms R’s suspicion that ME was molested by a priest.

 

Entry 01.21 - A brings a gift to R and is quite charmed by her. She asks R about a gift for Too. R replies that she might not respond at all, but they should give it a try.

 

Entry 01.22 - A & R bring Too to the galley and Too starts to cook without prompting. They don’t know for sure if that’s a good thing, but they focus on each other to the point that A finally gives into her feelings, kisses R, and carries her off to her bedroom.

 

Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-027 - Security Chief R reports to President F that the cruise ship was attacked, the telepath M was seriously injured, and nearly all his guards were killed. They are now ground on a planet called El Megiddo. President F orders Security Chief R to go personally with reinforcements.

 

Entry 01.23 - P discusses R with A, then go to a planning session for their attempt to steal the Gnosis Crystal.

 

Entry 01.24 - They sneak onto their old cruise ship in an attempt to steal the crystal, only to find that the ship was attacked a few days earlier, and the people who have it were dropped off on El Megiddo for medical treatment.

 

Entry 01.25 — They reach El Megiddo, cook up a plan, print new weapons and armor, and P is sent to seduce the cellist’s servant so she can get into their hotel room and drop off her little robot.

 

 

Entry 01.26 — A, R, T, & ME arrive at the hotel disguised as nuns to act as backup in case the robot fails to snag the crystal. The psion wakes up and fries the brains of their assassin, then A, while T guns him down.

 

 

Entry 01.27 — They try to get A out of the hotel room when a killer robot smashes through the window and chases them to the balcony. ME is nearly thrown to her death but saved by R, who calls down their ship to pick them up. T blows up the robot, but the alien mercenaries on the roof shoot down at them and lower ropes. The ship arrives and whisks them away from danger, with their objective in hand.

 

Entry 01.28 — R lays beside A as she soaks in healing fluid, holding her hand. ME realizes after R saved her life that she has been a truly terrible friend and decides to put aside her holier-than-thou attitude, apologize to R, and be with her while she waits to see if A will survive.

 

Entry 01.29 — A becomes conscious in a healing bath on their ship, but does not actually wake up. Instead a voice that sounds like her long-dead mothers tells her that it is healing her, along with M and Too. It speaks to her in strange, alien ways, referring to her feet as hooves, for instance, but makes her feel so relaxed and loved that she completely trusts the voice in her mind.

 

Entry 01.30 — Our intrepid heroes discover that the Gnosis Crystal they have been chasing is not a device, it’s an actual person. It’s a sort of nursemaid who’s job is to teach Telmari children as they grow from larval to adult form. R immediately concludes that they cannot sell a person and no one disagrees, so it looks like A’s plan is dead in the water. On the plus side, though, the Nursemaid is healing the damage done to A’s and M’s brains.

 

Entry 01.31 — While R recovers from her own minor injury, the ship uses the Gnosis Crystal to speak with her telepathically. The ship isn’t just a ship, it’s living technology, and it wants to go home to its people, who live in the empty space between the arms and the core of the galaxy. They call their home Twilight’s Rift.

 

Entry 01.32 — R fills in the rest of the crew about V and they agree to go to Twilight’s Rift once they have returned the crystal to its people.

 

Entry 01.33 — A Telmari ship approaches and R asks V to dock with it. Two of the aliens come aboard and R convinces them to allow the crystal to finish healing A and M before taking it home.

 

Entry 01.34 — A is told by the mysterious voice that it mistook her for one of its own larvae, so it has to stop teaching her how to grow up to be a telmari. A loses contact, gets out of the healing bath, and meets their alien visitors who have come to bring the nursemaid home. She realizes that her plan to free labor are not going to happen, but asks the aliens if they would be willing to harbor escaped labor in their territory. The captain of the ship can’t promise that, but agrees to discuss it when they get home and meet her later to let her know if they agree to do it.

 

Entry 01.35 — This is the nadir of the story, where A pretty much gives up on her goal. Having set the nursemaid free to return to its people, the group decides to set V free and join it as it returns to its people. V also reveals that their mute fellow, Too, is a natural telepath, leaving them to speculate that her catatonic condition could have been caused by experiencing some severe trauma at an early age.

 

I’m afraid the numbers have gotten mixed up here because I deleted some earlier chapters.

 

Entry 01.31 — A quiet chapter, mostly contemplation as they reach V’s home.

 

Entry 01.32 — The Darmeland arrive, and part of their celebration involves mating, which is telepathically transmitted to the passengers.

Entry 01.33 — The extreme warmth of a thousand satisfied  minds awakens Too from her life-long catatonia.

 

Bon Apetít!

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: The first chapter basically matched up what the note in the email said—not fully necessary as written but I think there’s a good base here to go off. To me the most compelling dynamics are R’s ability to think outside of human dynamics and accept alien weirdness and Too feeling more at home with the D than she did with her actual species. As mentioned, I also liked a lot of the plant imagery since it gives a good idea of the D valuing mutualisms and cultivating life. I think the parts around that could be heavily cut down if you’re looking to cut.

For the second chapter, my main comment is that it feels a bit too easy and that the protagonists didn’t have enough agency bringing this about. I think the easiest way to add that agency and force them to put in work is to focus on making the first chapter in this submission more necessary for the D to come to their decision. Maybe at first the D see V as different due to bonding with humans and it sends them to M with the specific goal of connecting with other D and showing them the benefits of those connections? And when R stays open-minded and gives M its space to arrange things in a human-oriented way and Too connects with it more than she had with her fellow humans the rest are convinced. Obviously that’ s prescriptive and just one idea but hopefully it shows the kind of stuff I think could work well here.

As I go:

Pg 1. It feels like V should say how they and the D actually want to be referred to, be it as both he/she being fine or some other pronoun (some people irl do go by “it”), and what an approximate term for their partner should be. Right now I feel like we don’t get much from the ambiguity there.

-So reading later it seems like the D prefer to go by “it” and use gender-neutral terms which I think can just be stated upfront.

Pg 2. I think I’m feeling a bit of the preface mentioned that this chapter isn’t considered totally necessary. Things are happening but it doesn’t quite feel like a cohesive flow addressing the important dynamics. R wants to meet M but I don’t get a great feeling why that’s important.

Pg 3. I like the descriptions here. They feel nicely focused around what R finds noteworthy.

Pg 5. Too being in such a good state feels a bit too easy, and brushes up against what I mentioned last submission where using sci-fi to cure disability rather than exploring the complications of it is generally frowned upon. Also, since we didn’t get much characterization from Too before I’m having a hard time being invested in her now.

Pg 6. I like the plant imagery. Good way of showing that the D are organic while also having functions one would expect from a ship.

Pg 7. Good character moment from R to put connection before what is pleasant to human sensibilities.

Pg 8. This is the part of Too that interests me the most so far. Knowing what she needed now but not knowing it then and having no way of communicating it.

Pg 9. The internality at the top of the page isn’t quite working for me. The language is pretty good and varied but the actual dynamic here seems pretty straightforward and doesn’t need a big paragraph delving into it.

Pg 11. I also like the character moment of R being comforted by the thought of being absorbed after death. That feels very specific to her.

Pg 12. This doesn’t feel like it’s doing much to me. Maybe some of it can be woven in after the proposition if it connects to V’s reasoning for it?

Pg 13. This feels a bit too easy for the protagonists, especially since they didn’t have much agency in bringing this about.

 

[Paul SB]

You're better at this than I am. That and it really helps to have more eyes on it. I like a lot of the ideas you came up with here. Your comment that the protagonists don't have enough agency, for one. In real life most people don't have much agency, but in fiction people want their heroes. In most cases it doesn't take a lot to address your concerns. A brief conversation at the beginning where R suggests that the Ds might need more exposure to humans and suggests asking to board M took care of that. That and some mention of the Ds being a little wary of V because of its relationship with humans.

The thing about Too acting too normal is a good reminder. Book 2 begins with her having a major meltdown and they spend much of the episode trying to bring her back out of it. Adding more abnormal behavior here will help set up the scenario for Book 2.

I also had V explain more of what the rest of the Ds discussed, since humans can't hear their telecommunication.

Thanks again