10/27/25 - PaulSB - Twilight's Rift, sub 19, 4089 words (S)

[Paul SB]

The next step in our heroes' adventure. Things get a little weird this time. So far this epic has been pretty much rated PG, but when a telepathic species mates, things happen. I don't do graphic sex scenes, but there are consequences need to be dealt with. I hope it intrigues rather than freaks people out. 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: It’s nice to get some progress on Too and see how the telepathy worldbuilding ends up mattering for the protagonists. That being said I think there are a lot of elements that could be refined here, many of which are in the leadup to this section. I’m going to list them out bullet point style:

-The protagonists have little agency throughout all of this, so it doesn’t feel like there’s much of an actual plot. I think an easy improvement would be to have A and R actively seek out Twilight’s Rift and connect with the aliens there in hopes it will help Too.

-We don’t get much from Too before this so it’s hard to be invested in her as a character.

-Sci-fi elements being used to cure disability/mental health issues is often a pitfall in how those issues are handled, and I also think it’s too straightforward here to be narratively interesting.

-Because I don’t feel a strong sense of plot, it doesn’t feel like these character moments are as important as they should be for the larger story. How does Too being cured actually help them with their goals?

As I go:

Pg 1. I think right now our understanding of Twilight’s Rift is too abstract for me to be invested. I don't know what it's going to be like or what the characters will do there.

Pg 2. This moment doesn’t quite feel earned. Maybe it could help to focus on the specific events bringing them together?

Pg 3. Playing with human identity and alien alterations is fun, though I think the dynamic needs to be a bit more specific to fully land. It’s good that A explains what’s different, and I think we need more on why that does (or doesn’t) matter.

Pg 6. This is a good worldbuilding moment and a good character moment for V, though it feels like the scene could use more narrative conflict. Right now I’m not sure what anyone’s trying to accomplish.

Pg 8. I think there are the making of a nice complex conflict here where the protags experience pleasure and intimacy that is forced—essentially raped in a way that is complex and alien and divorced from human power dynamics that color our perception of rape. Right now though, I don’t feel like the story’s handling it with the proper care or using it to bring out conflict in our protagonists.

Pg 9. Not an expert on the subject but this brushes up against an issue of sci-fi elements being used to cure disability which can be alienating or feel like erasure to disabled people. I don’t think the core idea of telepathic aliens brining out more joy in Too is a fundamental issue but it’s probably good to be aware of when writing.

 Pg 11. I think another issue of Too being mostly shut down before this is that we really don’t have much of an idea of who she is as a person.

Pg 12-13. A consequence of the plot being on hold is that it’s hard to see why something like Too’s opinion of humanity actually matters to the larger story.

[Paul SB]

I'm on lunch break, so I don't have much time, but I'll be back after work. I really like your idea about them heading off to Twilight's Rift with the intention of recruiting the D. I can totally see A coming up with that as a straw to grasp after having to give up on the plan. Or R coming up with it and presenting it to A to lift her spirits a little.

RE: Too's condition was the result of an Adverse Childhood Event (current terminology in psychology) that was magnified enormously by having telepathy. It kind of makes sense that bringing her out of it would require telepathy. On a different matter, though, you suggested last time that there needs to be some kind of foreshadowing, so I went back to the entry where R wakes up after recovering from interrogation. I think it helps, but I'd like to know if you think I should do more.

 

When I asked Pooka for something to drink, she told me she had just the thing and skipped out of my cabin. I decided I should try getting out of bed, though I was sure everything would still hurt if I moved. Luckily it was only my feelings that hurt. That was when I saw that Toona was there, standing next to the other bed, facing me. Her head was inclined at a more normal angle than usual, like she was actually trying to look in front of her. For a moment I dared to hope it was a sign she was recovering, so I walked up to her and looked into her lifeless eyes.

The next thing that happened was so strange and unexpected I nearly jumped. Her arms moved up and wrapped around me. It was like she wanted a hug, or wanted to give me one. I kind of hugged her back, though I was so stunned I don’t think I did it well. We were like that when Pooka came back, and she was so surprised she dropped the cans she was holding. “Whoa, what the hell? Never seen her do that before!”

 

End of Entry

 

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 10/29/2025 at 2:29 PM, Paul SB said:

I'm on lunch break, so I don't have much time, but I'll be back after work. I really like your idea about them heading off to Twilight's Rift with the intention of recruiting the D. I can totally see A coming up with that as a straw to grasp after having to give up on the plan. Or R coming up with it and presenting it to A to lift her spirits a little.

RE: Too's condition was the result of an Adverse Childhood Event (current terminology in psychology) that was magnified enormously by having telepathy. It kind of makes sense that bringing her out of it would require telepathy. On a different matter, though, you suggested last time that there needs to be some kind of foreshadowing, so I went back to the entry where R wakes up after recovering from interrogation. I think it helps, but I'd like to know if you think I should do more.

 

When I asked Pooka for something to drink, she told me she had just the thing and skipped out of my cabin. I decided I should try getting out of bed, though I was sure everything would still hurt if I moved. Luckily it was only my feelings that hurt. That was when I saw that Toona was there, standing next to the other bed, facing me. Her head was inclined at a more normal angle than usual, like she was actually trying to look in front of her. For a moment I dared to hope it was a sign she was recovering, so I walked up to her and looked into her lifeless eyes.

The next thing that happened was so strange and unexpected I nearly jumped. Her arms moved up and wrapped around me. It was like she wanted a hug, or wanted to give me one. I kind of hugged her back, though I was so stunned I don’t think I did it well. We were like that when Pooka came back, and she was so surprised she dropped the cans she was holding. “Whoa, what the hell? Never seen her do that before!”

 

End of Entry

 

 

My viewpoint here is that it's less about the foreshadowing itself and more about bringing the dynamic into the story and having a reason to care about T earlier. In this case I care less about knowing whether or not T has telepathy and more about why it's important. My suggestion would be to focus on how T's telepathy affects the plot, which it currently does when she's able to find V at the very start. Having the idea that she can sense things that the others can't and could use that to help them and have her own agency if they're able to address her condition would be good to know early on to establish some stakes (I don't think it has to be revealed as telepathy early on but I think we need to know that T is doing something important).