Paul SB - Twilight's Rift, sub16 - 3479 words (L)

[Paul SB]

I was so tired yesterday I completely spaced this out. Better late than never, I guess (I hope). These two entries contain two major revelations. Plot wise I couldn't change those revelations, but there's always the presentation to deal with. Thanks for looking, and I hope you're enjoying this saga.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: The way the story plays with what the crystal is and what V is are both pretty fun, and I think the strongest part about both is the distinct imagery with V and the way the crystal was communicating last submission and how that connects to what it actually is (an alien communicating in a compassionate but inhuman way). They both hook me more than what we’ve seen before the midpoint conflict.

Which feeds into my thoughts as V as a whole. I think there’s not enough there about it for the first half of the story, and for a while it’s felt like it makes things too easy and simple for the characters by knowing all of the answers. Obviously we can’t get all the reveals about it right away, but it feels like this is the first time the story’s giving us interesting questions to ask about it. And again, I think the visuals of the fish here work well at making it feel alien yet connected to the protagonists, but if that dynamic doesn’t get set up until halfway through I think a lot of people who would be interested in it aren’t going to make it that far.

As I go:

Pg 1. It’s nice to touch on the different perspectives on what people believe is happening to A, but since they’re not really in a position to act about it this doesn’t feel much different from exposition

Pg 4. This is a nice dynamic and I think the story would benefit a lot from getting into this earlier. Obviously the protags wouldn’t know but the corporate people probably would and it could make their scenes and the aliens in general feel more relevant

Pg 5-6. I think this is the right decision for the characters to make, but right now things feel a little too easy, and I think there should be more conflict here either about what to do or establishing the difficulty of accomplishing it

Pg 10. This is a lot of fun imagery and adds some much-needed complexity to how V fits into the story. I think what I need is a better sense of why V is reaching out like this to R now. Could it be something she figures out about it instead based on it asking the crystal? Just spitballing.  

[Paul SB]

Your main point on this one is pretty much right on the nose. I'm pretty sure that everything from the midpoint on is pretty solid, but Act 1 especially is pretty slow. There's important stuff in there, but it really feels like a Slow-Start Sally. The one somewhat drastic thing I can think of to do is to start the story from the midpoint and get the earlier material in flashback. It would read a bit like Anne Leckei's "Ancillary Justice." There's two problems with that approach, though. One is that overusing flashbacks gets confusing, the other is that overusing flashbacks gets really boring. That's the big problem, and the Dev Ed I paid to help me out here said absolutely nothing.

I'm very open to suggestions. 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Starting from the midpoint is definitely an option, though I'd share the concerns. I think the reason it works in Ancillary justice is that the story already asks you to be on board with some stuff that's confusing at first so that's not an issue and has the present plotline ask important questions about how things ended up this way that can only be answered by backstory so it doesn't get boring. I don't think this story's currently set up to do the same, though it certainly could be in revisions.

I think fundamentally, I think the most compelling dynamics from the second half of the story need to be identified and be more present throughout. I've said that the hooks for me are the alien perspectives of V and the T. This can be done either by changing the plot (such as more encounters with the T early on), or approaches that don't change the plot events but allow us to be hooked by the dynamic earlier (such as getting a handle of V's alien inclinations while the protags still think they're an alien ship). And of course, that's only what appeals to me so far. Ideally we get other people chiming in about what hooks they're interested in. 

[Paul SB]

I asked a published author I know (not face-to-face, only by email, and having read most of their novels) about this. They suggested that I simply began the narrative too soon in the story, which is pretty common with beginning authors. After I read that, I got some 3x5 cards and wrote down each entry, the narrator, date, and a quick note about what happens. I used different colors for Acts 1, 2, & 3, then laid them out on my dining table. After looking them over, it seemed like the best place to start the story might not be the midpoint, but the very end of Act 1, where they make their first attempt to steal the crystal. Much of the previous material will have to be incorporated in there somehow, and a lot of it can just be dumped. The hard part is going to be to figure out how to work the necessary info without overloading the audience with flashbacks. Some of it could come up in conversation, but there are going to be a lot of things that the characters would have no reason to bring up what they already know.

It'll be fun, and it will be a big interruption of my work on the fifth book in the trilogy, but if it works it will be worth it. Hopefully more people will chime in. Where's that ginger dwarf guy? He gives good critique, too.

Thanks again.