9/08/25 PaulSB-Twilight'sRift, sub 12 - 4656 words

[Paul SB]

Okay, here we go again. I like how this is going so much faster than most critique groups, because we are going by a word-count cap instead of the one chapter a week snail crawl. These two entries are mostly about character building, and at the end a major change of status between the protagonist and the sidekick. I'm always looking for fluff to trim, but really anything you see that seems off or you think could have been handled better in a different way is appreciated.

 

Happy reading!

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: In terms of trimming, I think a lot of the dialogue not around the gifts in the first chapter can be cut (though reworking it is always an option) because it’s not brought about by current events so it stalls the narrative a bit. I also think a lot of the last entry can be summarized, since we don’t get much more from hearing them say it out loud. The bit about the V was the only part that seemed potentially work showing the full discussion for.

Like I said in the LBLs, it’s good to have motion in character dynamics but I don’t think A and R’s intimacy totally lands here. I think the story needs to put more work into showing what’s actually bringing them closer instead of just having them talk things out (which they could have done at any time). The cooking is a start, since that they couldn’t have done at any time due to lack of ingredients, and I think we need to see more of how moments like that bring out their intimacy. Also, narrative relationships typically work best as a push and pull. When the story brings characters together, it also has to push them apart to give the conflict more momentum. I don’t get a sense of that here, so the dynamic feels more one-note.

As I go:

Pg 3. We’ve been dealing with R’s jealousy for a while, and it hasn’t really been doing anywhere. Not sure what the point is.

Pg 4-5. I think the gift part works all right because it’s clear why we get those beats (because this is when A has time to get gifts for people), but this doesn’t feel like it has a reason for being here.

Pg 7. Once we get back on track with the gifts it works a bit better again

Pg 9. Good to see that Too is feeling better with real food, but after that passes it doesn’t feel like we’re getting a lot important

Pg 11. It’s good to get movement in A and R’s relationship, but I think the story needs to do a bit more work weaving it into the narrative. Specifically, why cooking together here and now is what makes them take the next step.

Pg 12. This is a lot of expositional dialogue to get off the bat. Could this be summarized so we have a better idea of where the story’s taking us?

Pg 15. Most of this feels like stuff we don’t need to see played out until the V come in. That feels like the main contention point that actually changes the game.