8/18/25 - PaulSB - Twilight's Rift, sub09 - 4290 words (L, V)

[Paul SB]

Next.

I'm starting this one out with an entry my dev ed didn't like, but everyone else who's read it did. If people approve of it, I'll add it back in, though my word count is already too high for an unpublished author.

The second entry is where our heroes meet up with a possible benefactor whose name they got from the diary of their ship's former captain. I hope the guy doesn't come across as too cliché, and I'm looking for suggestions to trim it.

Enjoy!

Edited August 26, 2025 by Paul SB

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: The first entry is my favorite one so far, for all of the reasons we talked about on the last submission. It does a good job placing characters in tense situations where the way they act feels distinct to them, and does a good job selling that these are all traumatized people whose trauma causes them to butt heads. When I talked about characterization through action, this is exactly what I wanted.

The second one mostly reads pretty well because there are clear stakes where A and R need JR to agree over the course of a single conversation to keep their plan alive, though I think there is some room to trim. My bigger issue is that I don’t believe JR has survived this long by funding unproven liberators and letting them make their own plans. It’s possible that he’s planning on keeping them on a tighter leash than they realize, but A and R should be able to recognize that by how JR holds all the cards here.

As I go:

Pg 1. I already like that it feels like a big moment for the characters, and P’s decision to charge in instead of backing away tells us a lot about her character

Pg 3. This is also the most interesting character note we get from ME. She sold her friends out and doesn’t approve of the way P’s sexuality, but she’s not about to let a friend drown. That action speaks a lot louder than her words.

Pg 4. I like the like about how they look like snakes mating. Really feels like it comes from P specifically rather than feeling generic.

Pg 6. I also like the detail about the teasing working better with guys than girls. Explains a lot of why she’s been butting heads with her friends and hasn’t been learning quickly from it.

Pg 7. This does a good job of setting up the current conflict. JR seems like he could really help the protags and agrees with them on an ideological level, but actually getting through to him is going to be hard. That push and pull is important here.

Pg 8. I also like that getting an audience with JR requires them to dig deeper into their lies. One step forward, one step back.

Pg 12. I’m curious what B finding the ship means. Are we supposed to know that at this point?

Pg 13. At this point it feels like we get too off-topic. I’m mostly interested in if JR wants to help and what he’ll demand in return if so.

[Paul SB]

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I've been working splits all week, and it wreaks havoc on my circadian rhythm. I figured you would like the strangulation entry, so I added it back, though I had to renumber all the chapters after that one. I'm especially glad that you noticed ME. That's what they're talking about when they say "show, don't tell" -- but a lot of people never see those kinds of things. 

The abbreviation JR feels weird to me, but I'm guessing you aren't old enough to recognize "Who shot JR?"

As far as B finding the ship goes, it isn't really relevant to the story, just a random happenstance that he took advantage of.

I trimmed a little bit of the philosophical stuff, but probably not enough. 

Thanks for taking a look, even though you're a week behind (and it's Sunday already). Did you get last week's submission?