8/18/25 - Appol Scientist - Tooth and Claw sub 2, 4719 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

Not a lot of specific comments for this one. Thanks for reading!

[Paul SB]

One thing I really liked about Chapter 4 is how both characters revealed a bit of character flaw, and that both are aware of them. It's definitely not typical for their age group, but there are always some kids who are ahead of the game in terms of their ability to introspect. Hell, there are a whole lot of people who go to their graves never going there. It's also kind of fun how all the characters suspect each other of being part of this secret organization. It would be really funny if it turned out Aegis was defunded over a decade ago, and all their worry is for nothing.

 

I wouldn't say that the premise that seems to be coming together isn't exactly new, so I'm hoping you'll have some interesting twists in there. There are a few basics in here that you could juice a little bit more, like sensory details and doing a little more to build a vibe for each setting. For example, we know that the stove is old and can assume it's dilapidated, but what about the rest of the kitchen? Is it dark, cramped, does it smell like rusted metal, have active spider webs in the corners? A similar issue is showing more with expression, body language, and proxemics. Have you ever heard of The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi? It - and some other books in the series - is a fantastic resource for anyone who writes about humans. It breaks down just about every feeling a human can have and how that manifests not only in body language but in motivation and in terms of where it is likely to go if it goes unresolved for too long. I can't recommend it highly enough.

 

I enjoyed the little discussion about MLK & the Black Panthers. Both of these characters are thinkers. This chapter doesn't seem to do much in terms of plot, until the cliffhanger ending, but serves an important function in terms of bringing these characters to life.

 

Since I don't know what is going to happen next, I can't get too specific on a recommendation, but ending the chapter with a gunshot feels a little pulp, if you know what I mean. If you want to stick with it, maybe if you added a sentence or two after the gunshot itself, get into Kay's head a little, and maybe describe the first thing she sees when her head whips to the direction the shot came from, it would feel a little less like standard-issue pulp writer's trick. 

 

 

[ginger_reckoning]

 

Overall, I really liked the scene in the kitchen. I like how it seemed to take the MC from mostly suspcious to mostly not and genuinely warm towards J, while he might not necessarily be. The tone wasn't very romantic until the very end, which I think was done well. I can see this leading to warmer interactions in the future, for sure. I also enjoyed all the radical talk. The fist chapter was a little confusing but I think was meant to be so I won't comment on that as much. I'm curious to see what the gunshot was about, and where their relationship goes from here. 

 

Took me a second to realize this was a new POV character, though I realized that’s probably why the chapter is labeled “J”. I think only his english name was used before, so it took me a second

 

Pg 2 “I hope she makes it there” I do not know what this is supposed to mean. He did just say her english is indistinguishable from a native’s right?

 

“So not well” I think needs a comma after “so”

 

“That you’re hopeless with girls?” I think this entire clause can be cut and end the sentence with “surprised?”

 

Overall, I like the exchange between siblings. Its fun and sounds like a real sibling conversation

 

Oh, them thinking shes an agent is an interesting twist

 

“Looking in the dark” Looking, I feel like, is a pretty weak word choice here, as it’s a little ambiguous. I think “watching” would be better

 

I really wonder what the situation with the mom is, here

 

Pg 6

“Twenty-one” this sentence is a little run-on, so I might separate it, or at least put a comma after “twenty-one”

 

So i’m thinking she’s a ghost or something?

 

The parallels between these two are really funny 

 

“Why so many people go on dates without putting” I’m a little confused about the reasoning here. Is she implying that other people aren’t dating with enthusiasm because they don’t have ulterior motives?

 

“From G’s restaurant” I didn’t realize G’s restaurant was americanized, so I was glad for the elaboration with the orange chicken comment. Possibly WRS

 

“Good for food” I think “for food” can be cut

 

Pg 12 “what does he want with me” she’s made a few insecure comments so far but she doesn’t really seem insecure to me. I guess you can be proactive and insecure at the same time, and insecurity isn’t always rational, but overall I’ve been getting pretty competent vibes from her so its a little incongruous. Not a bad characterization though, necessarily

 

“Despite being the one in a cast” this is exactly what I’m talking about, this is very confidently worded haha

 

“Thai or Pho” Pho is a dish, whereas Thai is an entire type of food. I guess that’s the same as saying “italian or tacos”, which does sound like something someone could say, so nvm. It just stuck out to me at first 

 

“Talk about his financial situation” this is in character for her, for sure, but it is a little lacking in empathy since this is potentially really embarrassing for him, and he might be too flustered to ask her to stop. I do like that the main character has actual flaws, while remaining likable though, it’s been a very nice characterization so far

 

“So it’s not even racist” the way this is worded is just funny to me haha

 

Damn, yeah 100$ in tips would be a killing for me (though I think the general population in utah is a little ungenerous lmao) 

 

“It reassures them” I know about being resentful as a food service worker so this struck home with me but this definitely also feels cynical

 

“Even if they do play video games” Idk why this is such a radical point tbh. Preach brother (even though this kind of moves the goalposts of what they were talking about) 

 

Yeah turns out a lot of radical stuff is actually pretty normal. I feel like this is one of the things that confuses people when I tell them I’m an anarchist, nice to see these conversations

 

I also really like the subtext that he thinks she’s basically an FBI agent when he’s telling her all this stuff. I think maybe he accidentally forgot and started yapping about his special interests though haha

 

I forgot their name was praxis and it was like a jumpscare haha

 

Oh damn, same with the gunshot 

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 9/23/2025 at 3:04 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Yeah turns out a lot of radical stuff is actually pretty normal. I feel like this is one of the things that confuses people when I tell them I’m an anarchist, nice to see these conversations

Happy this came through! Part of what I wanted to get in this rewrite was this impression from L/J that I got based on talking with pro-Palestine demonstrators at my university who are just normal, chill people who care about an issue enough to make noise about it. I'm not quite the radical that L/J is but I do want to get his character right so if you could keep tracking this that would be great!