8/11/25 - Appol PhD (Ace of Hearts) - Tooth and Claw sub 1, 5438 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm back with a new novel and new 17th shard username. This new story is a sequel to A Bond of Wildflowers and is a similar brand of YA supernatural romance, dealing with similar ideas about isolation and integration in a more overtly political way. However, reading A Bond of Wildflowers isn't necessary to understand what's going on in this one. 

 

A bit of background is that I actually wrote the first draft of this novel a whopping four years ago, and I've fully rewritten it from scratch twice since. So I feel like I have a good understanding of what the story wants to be about and what it's trying to do but I haven't had anyone critique it yet so I have no idea how it comes across.

 

Any and all feedback welcome as always, and it would be great to know how the characters come across with their first impressions. This submission is a bit over 5k to give a full intro to the story, and I don't plan on making that a habit. 

 

One last thing: I'm guessing nobody here is a fluent Chinese speaker but throughout the novel there's a lot of talking in Taishanese that I write out in English, and it would be great to get eyes on if those conversations make sense as a translation of what is supposed to be Taishanese (I don't speak a word of any Chinese dialect). There were some pretty simple things I had a hard time finding online, like if Taishanese-speakers would be expected to have different names than the standard names I took from Chinese baby name websites, so any insight is appreciated! 

 

Thanks! 

[Paul SB]

I would have read it by now but I got a shingles vaccine yesterday and had a very strong reaction. I'll get to it once I can walk again.

[Paul SB]

I’m emailing this one back to you because it’s quicker than going over all the typos. In the case of Dad you probably need a reminder of the rule. Any time you use a noun in place of a name it gets capitalized. So if you address your captain as “captain” you have to capitalize it (Captain). If you mention your captain, like “My captain said blah blah blah …” you don’t capitalize it.

 

If your urban fantasy has humans who have fey ancestry, you might need some sort of genetic backstory, since modern audiences know you can’t cross species as a general rule. There are exceptions where the species’ ancestors isolated fairly recently, as with mules or ligers. That could easily have been the case with Neanderthals (and Denisovans), but usually the offspring in these matches are infertile. Of course you can always invoke “magic.” That’s one of the reasons I don’t get into much fantasy. Magic becomes a cop-out for anyone who doesn’t want to think too much or do research.

 

You do realize that whole conversation mit Ihre Vater is one big data dump, right? I’m not going to criticize that, as there are only so many ways an author has to get across information, especially at the beginning of story when you have to get your readers up to speed on your world. Still, sometimes it’s worth taking a moment to sit back with the drink of your choice (just not to Hemingway level) and see if you can concoct more clever ways to hint at this stuff. Maybe the scanner has some kind of inscription on it? If Kay was a big Nancy Drew fan and thought of herself as a junior sleuth, she might have gotten a fingerprint dusting kit and found her mother’s prints on it or some such.

 

The only other thing that bugs me a bit is that sometimes the words coming out of the mouths of high school kids sound a little too adult. Maybe if you have the time, watch some movies in high school settings so your unconscious mind can absorb the dialog patterns.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Thanks for the reply! The larger comments about scenes are helpful for working through the story.

3 hours ago, Paul SB said:

Any time you use a noun in place of a name it gets capitalized. So if you address your captain as “captain” you have to capitalize it (Captain). If you mention your captain, like “My captain said blah blah blah …” you don’t capitalize it.

I've seen some fiction do this, but it comes across as a bit old-timey to me. So barring other opinions, I'll probably stick to how I've been doing it. Just an fyi that when I keep doing this it won't be because I didn't read your critiques.

Thanks!

[Paul SB]

4 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

Thanks for the reply! The larger comments about scenes are helpful for working through the story.

I've seen some fiction do this, but it comes across as a bit old-timey to me. So barring other opinions, I'll probably stick to how I've been doing it. Just an fyi that when I keep doing this it won't be because I didn't read your critiques.

Thanks!

If I forget and mention it again I hope you don't get too mad. I have a pineal gland disorder that seriously jacks up memory formation, so I forget things like an 80 year old.

[ginger_reckoning]

This ended up being longer than I intended, so on future chapters I am going to go into less depth than this one so I can get them done faster. Overall, I didn't have many problems with pacing or the intorduction of the supernatural elements (may seems a but abrupt for new readers, but after reading the last book I am glad it doesn't linger too long on "OMG magic is real?????" since she already suspects. I would have liked it a little better if she was the one to call her dad specifically to demand answers, as it would make her slightly more proactive. Or, alternatively, might be worth considering having her start out certain that the supernatural is real already because she saw B or someone else do something inexplicable, or even already having had this conversation with her father. Idk, just spitballing. Overall though, good setup for conflict already, with her suspecting L and the complicated family conflict. (Which, btw, was the most compelling part to me) Main thing was just the way some sentences were structured were a little confusing, and like Paul SB said, the diction of the kids can be a little adult. Other than that though, I am excited to dig into this new story!

 

Pg1 “my attention to” I think “attention goes to” makes it a complete sentence. Also, this sentence has a lot of adjectives for the second one in the whole book

 

“Exactly good of a” i think should be “exactly as good of a” 

 

“Shaky grasp of english after” well first of all, this makes me think the narrator is an a-hole, but this sentence is also a little confusingly worded. Maybe something along the lines of “shaky grasp of english, despite” 

 

“With my arm stuck in a cast” also a little confusing, maybe put the clause “don’t even feel the heat” before mentioning its in a cast, like “ try to warm it up-> don’t feel anything-> because it’s in a cast” though that may be subjective

 

“Up upon” is a little redundant

 

“Quote” haha, yeah this narrator is a brat, but funny

 

Pg 2 “around my age” having this clause before the verb makes the flow a little clunky, imo. I would even put this as it’s own sentence if it were me

 

“Cute smile” lol 

 

“As kids” I kind of think this is unnecessary since it’s implied

 

Okay, I’m going to stop pointing out specific cases of line edits, unless you want more

 

Im not sure what the relationship between B and the narrator is. So they’re step siblings, but it seems like the narrator might also be into him? Is that what I’m supposed to be taking away?

 

I like the description of the lumberjack guy. Also, love me a handsome lumberjack haha

 

“Whiter than europe” lol 

 

A few pages into this, I think it could actually start with her walking into the restaurant, maybe despairing how she had to walk in the cold, etc when she arrives

 

Front parted bowl cut? Say no more

I will say, yeah, first thought was definitely stranger danger when he offered to help her find a motel

 

Pg 5

“Now could be my chance to get my own” I had to read this sentence twice to understand what it meant

 

“Minor fey” haha, I mean, might be nice to have at least a hint of this in the first one or two pages, though I do like how suddenly this goes into the supernatural territory. I guess it may not be as necessary since it’s a sequel. Also, I kinda like the pokedex vibes it’s giving, its goofy

 

I like the ending to this chapter

 

Pg 7 “dish that was my favorite” I think “that was” could be struck and read a little smoother: “dish, my favorite” 

 

So far though the sentences have been a lot clearer in chapter 2

 

Pg 8 “being nonwhite when I” I would make this into two sentences, by cutting “when” and making “I never” the start of a new sentence

 

“Kay definitely” I had to read this sentence twice

 Pg 9 “Starts of” starts off

 

“Machines at this” cut “at this”, it’s implied

 

I like the handwriting part

 

Local highschool girl discovers empathy (speaking of, I also had to remind myself that a highschooler may not have thought about how other cultures may view america)

 

For reasons I’m sure you understand, P’s name is very funny to me. Literally my first thought was “oh, new enby name just dropped” haha

 

“Girl’s body” i mean, this makes her come across as slightly (possibly unintentionally) transphobic, but like in the liberal kind of way, which seems to track with her character so far?

 

Huh, that’s especially interesting since it sounds like she’s also questioning. I guess both can be true 

 

“Sure, they’re all just words…” I actually think it’re really funny and interesting that he doesn’t disagree with any she said. Really unexpected for the conversation to go this direction

 

Pg 13 “But I’m not” I am not what? The two last sentences have to do with actions, so this felt unspecific

 

“I suppose that’s fair” This response felt a little weird to me since it was responding to a demand made in the summary above. I think it would be good to write out how exactly she demanded, in dialogue

 

“The supernatural” feels a little unspecific

 

“Sort of paramilitary” I would cut this. She just learned about this, so I don’t know how she would know they are “sort of paramilitary” I think it makes sense just to say their are a shadowy government org

 

“What if some people have supernatural powers” I had to read this one multiple times to get an idea what exactly he was arguing here

 

Pg 18 “you know you’re” should be your

 

I liked the phone conversation

 

[Paul SB]

Good to see Ginger back in the game. This place has been a dyad for far too long.