7/7/25-ginger_reckoning-a song for silence, sub 28, 3500 words, (V, L)

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all! Thanks again for reading. Not sure if I have specific notes for this one, other than that maybe it is a little too long still. The main focus here is still on A and J's dynamic, which I worry gets a little drowned out by the action. Anyway, thanks for reading!

[Paul SB]

I'm home from work and took a look. As far as A & J go, it's a battle scene, so they don't really have a lot of time to interact in any important way. I'm assuming there will be a denouement where they can sit back, have some iced tea and burritos, and think out loud at each other -- decompression time. Here's a few other things I saw:

Chapter 36

 

An obsidian boulder from a trebuchet? I’ve never heard of that being done, but I imagine it would have had nasty effects when the nodule (the technical term) burst into hundreds of shards of volcanic glass. But I’m not sure how the projectile path would look any different.

 

Is this dragon actually a hover squid?

 

I’m not sure how slime can pull. If it’s really sticky then it would resist any effort to pull away from it, but slime doesn’t normally have muscle tissue.

 

Taking the dragon’s head off with a saw seems mighty cruel. I’m sure it deserves it, but it kind of taints the heroes.

 

“There’s no time! The dragon will soon be free!” If there’s no time, would he speak in complete sentences? “No time! Dragon!”

 

“ … somehow holding the dragon’s jaws open as it tried to bring them together …” This is confusing. Is he holding it’s jaws open or trying to close them? This sounds like he’s doing both at the same time.

 

If there is going to be a denouement after this, I hope there will be some reflection on the dragon’s motivations and feelings. It didn’t exactly get much of a speech there, and it could make for some good thoughts to ponder.

 

“His hammer blow to the dragon’s side sent it rolling, crashing through buildings.” A sentence or two describing the noise, the sight of arcing bricks, and the clouds of dust would set the scene here.

 

“… leaving a normal, dirty pit …” Somehow the word ‘dirty’ feels really weak here. Filth-strewn? Loathsome? Squalid?

 

“Those still standing around her gave out a cheer.” This is a pretty anticlimactic description. “Those still standing around her burst out in an uproarious ovation.”

 

Too many “nice.”

[Appol PhD they/he]

All right, time to get reading!

Overall: I think the strongest part here is J using his curse as a power to retrieve the orb, since it uses a well-established narrative piece in a clever way with clear rules and limitations. The dynamic between A and J reads well enough, though I think there’s room to make it more distinct. Wanting a quiet, curse-free life together isn’t that specific as characterization. I think the story’s trying to connect it to A’s ideas around hope, but it doesn’t feel like the pieces are fully there.

Though overall I think this scene is on the right track. I don’t think the dynamic is overshadowed by the action, and that instead the action is a good opportunity to bring out more of their characterization. Now the tricky part is to fully realize that opportunity.

Pg 1-2. So far I think this balances action and character well

Pg 3. The moment between them feels a bit out of the blue, and also not super character-specific

-Okay I do like how it leads into A feeling helpless about her curse

Pg 5. Is the dragon actually down? I don’t trust that

Pg 7. New Ss appearing, even if it’s established they can do that, feels a bit arbitrary and makes the scene feel a bit less tight

Pg 9. I’m not sure how much trouble J is actually in, since doesn’t he burn up every night anyways? I’m not sure how much more dangerous it is for him to be going into the dragon like this.

Pg 10. Okay so we do get an explanation. Might be good to know that while it’s happening, or find some way for A’s narration to spin it so we know what to track.