6/23/25 - Paul SB - Twilight's Rift, 4815 words

[Paul SB]

My first submission! This is a sci-fi story (most call it space opera, but that implies there's no actual science in it, an accusation I resent as a scientist). I wasn't sure what to put down for trigger warnings here. Lots of evil is implied and threatened, but even most of the swearing is in German. The story has been through several drafts, but I have a publisher who has shown an interest but wants more feedback before I submit it. It's also the first in a trilogy. I've drafted the first four books and am planning the fifth. Anyway, Bon Apetît!

 

Edited July 7, 2025 by Paul SB
Silk said so

[ginger_reckoning]

Alright, likewise, I only had time to read one chapter but here are my LBLs. I'll put my overall thoughts when I read the rest of the submission: 

Pg1 Ok, so right off the bat this is setting the tone that this will be involved, technical science fiction, which I like. This is a small nitpick, but saying “human calendar” at the top, while establishing that there are presumably nonhumans with their own calendars, I wonder if it would be better to say “Earth Calendar” because I assume if there are confirmed aliens, not all humans might live on earth, and I assume planets with different orbital periods will have different calendars. Sorry, you probably knew all that, just my two cents

 

I also don’t think humans needs to be capitalized

 

Is this an original poem? If so, it's good but makes me think the speaker may be a eugenicist. I think it should say “newborn face” on the second line

 

Pg2 “No. No way to tell…” I had to go back and remind myself what she was responding to since there was description in between. Might be helpful to include a reminder in her response

 

Pg 3 “I don’t trust it” seems redundant since she just questioned whether it’s real

 

“Like zombies” comparing people with depression to zombies makes her seem like not the most sensitive of characters, though it's a realistic enough thing for someone to say. Personally I think it’s enough to just say he was scared

 

“O-tech” okay, this is obviously a horrible thing to have in this society but the second thought I had after hearing the name for this makes me think of a p0rn video with electricians or something haha. But seriously, obviously a very quick way to show how dystopian their society is

 

Just for future reference, I would definitely tag this for sexual assault when submitting something like this, just so people know if they want to avoid reading and critiquing 

 

Pg 6 “like my daughter” okay, seriously, yuck

 

Pg 8 “make a joyful noise” making a joyful noise, perhaps?

 

Ah yes, of course the clergy is homophobic haha. I mean, SA is still SA of course

I see they discuss that further down as well

 

“A tiny of breath” perhaps remove “a”?

[Paul SB]

Thanks for taking a look. I just got back from work and I'll probably turn back into a pumpkin soon, so I'll get back to yours tomorrow.

The point of capitalizing Human is a matter of equality. We capitalize Klingons, and Vogons, and Vorlons. Why are humans special? Not capitalizing the species makes it seem like they are the default sentients.

The poem is real, written in the 12th Century by a famous mathematician and astronomer. If you're interested, there's a pretty good movie about him that was made a few years back called "The Keeper."

Okay on the tag.

As long as there is religion, there will always be hate. Thousands of years of history make that quite clear.

Other adjustments made. Thanks again.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Congrats on your first submission! It can be pretty daunting (definitely was for me), but it’s helped me a lot and I hope it will do the same for you!

Oh, and in case you aren’t aware we generally advise to send out submissions through email instead of posting them on the site, since anyone could download and steal your writing from the site. There should be instructions on the introduction thread for how to do that.

Overall: I’m happy to say that this reads well overall, and this is coming from someone who has an issue with even a lot of published sci-fi because I can’t get picture what’s going on. I think the strongest part of this submission is how the two chapters complement each other, showing the people who have nothing before going into the schemes of the powerful for contrast.

There weren’t any super major flaws in these scenes, but if I have one critique I’d say it’s that the individual scenes don’t have a lot of complexity and don’t move that much. In the first chapter it focuses on the creep being creepy which we get an idea of very quickly without a lot of push and pull for what the protagonists actually want. The second scene reads a bit better in this regard because the masculinity and capitalism are clearly satirical so it’s acceptable for it to be a bit more over the top, though I still feel like the conversation ends up feeling like a lot of exposition without a lot of pieces moving.

As I go:

Pg 1. A bit of a nitpick is that I usually see it recommended to not start in dialogue because it’s jarring to zoom out and set the scene afterwards.

Pg 4-5. There’s some good stuff here, and I like that we have a clear idea of what a fail state looks like (panic attack), but this should definitely have a content warning for sexual assault

Pg 6. Working with a creep to get something they want is a good conflict, but because there’s not a lot of character complexity in the guy it feels like it’s running its course quickly. By this point I’m more than ready to be done.

Pg 8-9. Is the same-sex thing worse if it’s just assault, or generally sexual? It feels like the pacing falters for the story to bring it up here.

Pg 14. I like the tone shift from the last chapter to this one, though by this point it feels like the momentum’s falling off a bit.   

[ginger_reckoning]

By the way, sorry, I honestly don't know how to make it not bold, it's been doing this for months

Overall:

At the beginning of the chapter, I was a little skeptical of having a second viewpoint that appeared to be completely disconnected from the first, but at the end, I’m guessing that these characters will represent some of the antagonistic forces for the characters in the first chapter? Or at least affect them somehow, since it seems they are targeting the cruise ship they are on. My prediction is the women from the first chapter will get their hands on this device somehow. Anyway, congrats on the first submission! I’m excited to read more of this. Overall, I agree with Ace of Hearts that we get the point pretty quickly that the guy is a creep and this kind of behavior is widespread. The second scene is a little exposition heavy, and I wonder if it could be possible to get this information when we see T already on this job. Overall though, strong start and excited to read more!

LBL:

Pg 11 So right off the bat, this guy is creepy

“Double y” I like the subtle worldbuilding of this, and immediately feel like I can clock this guy as a satire of the hypermasculine “alpha male” archetype

 

“Big people” not sure if this is just the guy’s mental designation for these kind of people or if this is the actual name of some kind of caste. If the latter, I think it could use a more creative name

 

Pg 12 “milliseconds” this is just my own ignorance speaking but I don’t have a frame of reference to know if milliseconds is actually faster for one’s eyes to adjust to light changes

 

“His last regeneration…the President” it’s weird for me to go from a less specific pronoun (His) to a more specific title (the President) in a single sentence. I would suggest changing President to just “him” here, personally

 

“Alpha male” haha I predicted it! 

 

“Tight and tidy mind” reads extremely satirical to me, so if that’s the goal, then good

 

“Cling to government” so with the meritocracy mentioned, I’m guessing this is some really religious anarcho-capitalist system? Or corpocracy maybe? Or is it just theocracy? Excited to find out more, so far I’m liking this setting. It seems, unfortunately, to be a future we might be headed towards 

 

 

[Paul SB]

On 6/29/2025 at 3:23 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Congrats on your first submission! It can be pretty daunting (definitely was for me), but it’s helped me a lot and I hope it will do the same for you!

 

Oh, and in case you aren’t aware we generally advise to send out submissions through email instead of posting them on the site, since anyone could download and steal your writing from the site. There should be instructions on the introduction thread for how to do that.

 

Overall: I’m happy to say that this reads well overall, and this is coming from someone who has an issue with even a lot of published sci-fi because I can’t get picture what’s going on. I think the strongest part of this submission is how the two chapters complement each other, showing the people who have nothing before going into the schemes of the powerful for contrast.

 

There weren’t any super major flaws in these scenes, but if I have one critique I’d say it’s that the individual scenes don’t have a lot of complexity and don’t move that much. In the first chapter it focuses on the creep being creepy which we get an idea of very quickly without a lot of push and pull for what the protagonists actually want. The second scene reads a bit better in this regard because the masculinity and capitalism are clearly satirical so it’s acceptable for it to be a bit more over the top, though I still feel like the conversation ends up feeling like a lot of exposition without a lot of pieces moving.

 

As I go:

 

Pg 1. A bit of a nitpick is that I usually see it recommended to not start in dialogue because it’s jarring to zoom out and set the scene afterwards.

 

Pg 4-5. There’s some good stuff here, and I like that we have a clear idea of what a fail state looks like (panic attack), but this should definitely have a content warning for sexual assault

 

Pg 6. Working with a creep to get something they want is a good conflict, but because there’s not a lot of character complexity in the guy it feels like it’s running its course quickly. By this point I’m more than ready to be done.

 

Pg 8-9. Is the same-sex thing worse if it’s just assault, or generally sexual? It feels like the pacing falters for the story to bring it up here.

 

Pg 14. I like the tone shift from the last chapter to this one, though by this point it feels like the momentum’s falling off a bit.   

 

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I've had lots of medical appointments recently, and I've been very tired. Thanks a bunch for taking a look.

I'll have to go back and look at the instructions again. I have a misfiring pineal gland, which messes with my ability to sleep, and that in turn jacks my short-term memory. I'm getting to the point where I need to start stapling reminders to my forehead because I forget that I wrote reminders.

I probably start a lot of chapters with dialogue. I thought that by going straight into dialogue I would avoid the temptation to describe too much. The first draft of this story was around 250,000 words, and I've hacked it down to just over 100 Kwords over the years. I've been told that as an unpublished author you don't have a prayer with a manuscript that's even one letter over 100,000. I'll see what I can do about that.

The creep is a throw-away character who's there to illustrate the dystopia, so I didn't think he needed much in the way of personality. Any suggestions to keep your interest going at that point?

The same-sex thing is foreshadowing. However, the guy who said he was interested in possibly publishing this story was not too happy with the fact that all sexualities are not normalized in this future. It's a dystopia, so why would it be? Corporations wouldn't normally have any reason to care. They just want everyone else's money. But humans don't do societies without religions, and religions thrive on scapegoating.

Any suggestions on keeping the momentum up in the strategy meeting? It's a meeting, so not much physical is likely to happen (in the third book someone sets off a bomb at a board meeting, but that's not typical). I hoped the whole set up to flush out competitors and their spies would be sufficiently intriguing. 

[Paul SB]

On 6/29/2025 at 8:31 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

By the way, sorry, I honestly don't know how to make it not bold, it's been doing this for months

Overall:

At the beginning of the chapter, I was a little skeptical of having a second viewpoint that appeared to be completely disconnected from the first, but at the end, I’m guessing that these characters will represent some of the antagonistic forces for the characters in the first chapter? Or at least affect them somehow, since it seems they are targeting the cruise ship they are on. My prediction is the women from the first chapter will get their hands on this device somehow. Anyway, congrats on the first submission! I’m excited to read more of this. Overall, I agree with Ace of Hearts that we get the point pretty quickly that the guy is a creep and this kind of behavior is widespread. The second scene is a little exposition heavy, and I wonder if it could be possible to get this information when we see T already on this job. Overall though, strong start and excited to read more!

LBL:

Pg 11 So right off the bat, this guy is creepy

“Double y” I like the subtle worldbuilding of this, and immediately feel like I can clock this guy as a satire of the hypermasculine “alpha male” archetype

 

“Big people” not sure if this is just the guy’s mental designation for these kind of people or if this is the actual name of some kind of caste. If the latter, I think it could use a more creative name

 

Pg 12 “milliseconds” this is just my own ignorance speaking but I don’t have a frame of reference to know if milliseconds is actually faster for one’s eyes to adjust to light changes

 

“His last regeneration…the President” it’s weird for me to go from a less specific pronoun (His) to a more specific title (the President) in a single sentence. I would suggest changing President to just “him” here, personally

 

“Alpha male” haha I predicted it! 

 

“Tight and tidy mind” reads extremely satirical to me, so if that’s the goal, then good

 

“Cling to government” so with the meritocracy mentioned, I’m guessing this is some really religious anarcho-capitalist system? Or corpocracy maybe? Or is it just theocracy? Excited to find out more, so far I’m liking this setting. It seems, unfortunately, to be a future we might be headed towards 

 

 

Part of what inspired me to write this series, which I started when I was just finishing grad school, was looking around and seeing where things seem to be going, based on what I know of history and social science. Things have only gotten worse since then. 

One thing I do in these stories is that I show the story from several viewpoints. A and R are bunkmates in a tiny cell with four other women, and all of them get to be narrator, though A & R more than the others. When the narrator of the scene is anyone else (usually an antagonist) it gets labelled Supplementary Entry blah blah blah. 

 

It's ironic how wrong our ideas about what an alpha male is. The idea originally came from wolves, but a wolf pack is almost always a mated pair and their offspring, not a coalition of unrelated individuals. So in wolves the alpha really just means Dad. It's different in gorillas and other primates, but the thing most human get wrong is that the alpha never gets to be alpha based on his own personal strength. Alphas start out as betas and work together with other betas to kill off the alpha. BTW: the life expectancy of an alpha male gorilla is about two years after becoming alpha. They don't last long. But humans misconstrue their analogies to suit their own egos.

The double Y: wait until you see the Veblen Insurance Company logo...

Big people is nothing official, just the kind of descriptor you might expect from Social Darwinists. I'll have to try to make that more clear.

His last regeneration ... another one I've probably done many times and didn't notice. It might also be about trying to keep my sentences from all sounding alike.

This whole thing is satirical on more than one level. When we get to the end, I'll probably ask you to look again at the title page, as it contains a really big thematic clue.

Corporatocracy, with a parallel religious system. I've only heard of one human society that doesn't have religion, and they were a tiny tribe of headhunters. Anything bigger than a tribe pretty well has to have some sort of religion to keep people obedient to the government. In this future there is no actual government, but with corporations acting in its place, they still need a coercive moral code to keep their workers from striking, if not outright lynching their leaders.

 

Thanks again, and I'm looking forward to your thoughts on my next submission.

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 7/3/2025 at 12:21 AM, Paul SB said:

The creep is a throw-away character who's there to illustrate the dystopia, so I didn't think he needed much in the way of personality. Any suggestions to keep your interest going at that point?

I think once it's clear who he is, there doesn't need to be much focus on him. I'd suggest identifying the dynamic with complexity that we're supposed to care about and focus the details on that instead.

On 7/3/2025 at 12:21 AM, Paul SB said:

The same-sex thing is foreshadowing. However, the guy who said he was interested in possibly publishing this story was not too happy with the fact that all sexualities are not normalized in this future. It's a dystopia, so why would it be? Corporations wouldn't normally have any reason to care. They just want everyone else's money. But humans don't do societies without religions, and religions thrive on scapegoating.

Yeah, I agree that the future doesn't necessarily mean queerness is normalized, though if the story's going down that route I think it could benefit from specific insights into how things ended up this way. I'm not going to argue with the accuracy of religions thriving on scapegoating, but it's also pretty broad and doesn't help this setting stand out. How does this specific religion arrive at scapegoating queerness?

On 7/3/2025 at 12:21 AM, Paul SB said:

Any suggestions on keeping the momentum up in the strategy meeting? It's a meeting, so not much physical is likely to happen (in the third book someone sets off a bomb at a board meeting, but that's not typical). I hoped the whole set up to flush out competitors and their spies would be sufficiently intriguing. 

No physical altercations needed. I think what I'm feeling is that a plan developing isn't the same thing as a story dynamic. What's the major conflict I should be tracking here, and how is it developing? Answering those questions could help the story feel less stagnant here.

[Paul SB]

Thanks for taking a look. I'm not exactly sure what you mean about identifying the dynamic. The creep is generic. That fact that creeps like this are pretty dime-a-dozen says a lot about this society. I can certainly tune him down a bit, but I thought that might remove some of the tension. Everything I've read about writing scenes says that the reaction half shouldn't be too drawn out compared to the action it starts out with. Once the priest shows up and the creep scurries away, we're in the reaction phase, which is usually mostly talk.

On homophobia and the Church, there's a hint to the origin in the next chapter, where the ecclesiastical Labor says that her Old Testament quote comes from one of the ancient scriptures. Without going too deep into the history, when Earth was abandoned because pollution made it virtually uninhabitable, the wealthiest corporations made sure that only their people got off the planet. Since religion is an institution that crosscuts political or business affiliations (in this universe corporations act as governments, though fundamentally corrupt ones) naturally religion went along for the ride. But since the numbers of escapees were relatively small, it was possible for a single, syncretic faith to replace the diversity of today. More of this comes up later, mostly in later books. I recently wrote a spin-off taking place centuries earlier about how humans got FTL and the rise of the local equivalent of the Underground Railroad. Maybe I'll do another that goes into more detail about the Church.

The plan is what sets the story in motion. I had hoped that the fact that the antagonists plan to use a cruise ship in their plan would get the reader immediately wondering how a bunch of slaves are going end up involved. As far as the conflict goes, in any dystopia the story dynamic is likely going to be Man versus Society (to use the standard term) to some extent, if not the primary focus. Epic, if you don't mind the scale. It will ultimately take them six books to bring it to a conclusion. The antagonists in this chapter have no reason to even consider the conflict. They are the movers and shakers of their universe, and as far as they're concerned, the sun will never set on the Meritocracy.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll remember to email the next submission in instead of posting directly. What was that old song the scarecrow sang? If I only had a hippocampus ...

[Appol PhD they/he]

8 hours ago, Paul SB said:

Thanks for taking a look. I'm not exactly sure what you mean about identifying the dynamic. The creep is generic. That fact that creeps like this are pretty dime-a-dozen says a lot about this society. I can certainly tune him down a bit, but I thought that might remove some of the tension. Everything I've read about writing scenes says that the reaction half shouldn't be too drawn out compared to the action it starts out with. Once the priest shows up and the creep scurries away, we're in the reaction phase, which is usually mostly talk.

The suggestion isn't to tune him down, but rather to identify the story dynamic that isn't generic and make that the focus after the creep is established.

8 hours ago, Paul SB said:

On homophobia and the Church, there's a hint to the origin in the next chapter, where the ecclesiastical Labor says that her Old Testament quote comes from one of the ancient scriptures. Without going too deep into the history, when Earth was abandoned because pollution made it virtually uninhabitable, the wealthiest corporations made sure that only their people got off the planet. Since religion is an institution that crosscuts political or business affiliations (in this universe corporations act as governments, though fundamentally corrupt ones) naturally religion went along for the ride. But since the numbers of escapees were relatively small, it was possible for a single, syncretic faith to replace the diversity of today. More of this comes up later, mostly in later books. I recently wrote a spin-off taking place centuries earlier about how humans got FTL and the rise of the local equivalent of the Underground Railroad. Maybe I'll do another that goes into more detail about the Church.

Good to hear the context, though for me knowing this doesn't really change my comment. If homophobia is going to be a focus, it's good for the story to delve into specific reasons and mechanisms why. If the story doesn't want to go into that, then the homophobia can still be mentioned but is probably better as a background detail we're not supposed to focus on.

8 hours ago, Paul SB said:

The plan is what sets the story in motion. I had hoped that the fact that the antagonists plan to use a cruise ship in their plan would get the reader immediately wondering how a bunch of slaves are going end up involved. As far as the conflict goes, in any dystopia the story dynamic is likely going to be Man versus Society (to use the standard term) to some extent, if not the primary focus. Epic, if you don't mind the scale. It will ultimately take them six books to bring it to a conclusion. The antagonists in this chapter have no reason to even consider the conflict. They are the movers and shakers of their universe, and as far as they're concerned, the sun will never set on the Meritocracy.

I did get a lot of this, and my comment is about once this is established there's not a lot else I get from what the story is showing us. Maybe it's a matter of trimming down the length and streamlining the plan? Or another thought experiment is considering how much of the plan we actually need to know right now.

And I hope this goes without saying, but while I'm happy to clarify my comments you absolutely don't have to address or take all of them if you think they're not helpful for the story.