6/16/25-ginger_reckoning-a song for silence-sub 25-3015 words, (L)

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all, thanks again for reading. This week we have processing the events of last week's submission, and then confronting T about the allegations. This is mainly setting up A to be extremely emotionally reliant on T, so I'm curious to see if it works, or if it seems like she is going along with the plan too willingly. Then of course, any other notes are also appreciated. Thanks!

 

[Paul SB]

I'm not sure if this is right, since the link opened up to submission #30. Since I'm not familiar with this story this far along, I did what I could. Mostly nit-piking diction that sounds way too modern for a fantasy setting.

 

A Song For Silence

by Spencer Wilkinson

 

Chapter 30: Reckoning

 

“She couldn’t see the skeleton or the dragon anywhere in sight, though.”

“Though” contradicts the first sentence, and if she couldn’t see, then saying they weren’t anywhere in sight is redundant. “She couldn’t see the skeleton or the dragon anywhere.” or “The skeleton and the dragon were nowhere in sight.”

 

The dragon’s erasing breath didn’t cauterize the wound? Also, if you give the reader a better idea of how big the chunk is, it would give them a better idea of how much blood would have left leaked out, and how close she would be to death.

 

“She fell unconscious.” Kind of a bland statement. How about: “Her head felt light, her vision dimmed around the edges. She shivered as consciousness fled from her.”

 

“There was a window in the direction of her feet …” Or how about: “Soft sunlight and a slight breeze greeted her from a window she saw framed between her feet.”

 

“It was siting on the ground …” you mean the floor? This seems to be an indoor scene.

 

“… out like a pixie with a pint …” That’s a funny image! How about, “… out like a pixie after a pint …”?

 

“Literally everything is in your mind …” While this discussion is exactly what a whole lot of people need, the idea that anything in your mind is something “strong” people can control is so pervasive that most people today are clueless, many decades behind the science. That makes the statement seem out of place in this genre, but if you want it there, I would go ahead and keep it. Maybe people who read it will broaden their understanding of human nature a little.

 

“What it said …” This is such a modern, 20th Century expression it feels out of place in a fantasy novel. Ditto “Agree to disagree.”

 

Sunglasses? Am I missing something important about the setting?

 

“… rids them of their agency.” Once again, this is a very modern expression. The next sentence gets the message across, and sounds better, so you don’t need this one.

 

“It sighed. Then put its head in its hands.” It sighed, then put its head in its hands.

 

“… all consuming …” all-consuming

 

“… transmogrify him into a pile of pixie powder and snort him …” Hysterical! But snort still sounds too modern. Maybe, “… imbibe him through the nostrils as if the finest snuff …”

 

“Anywho …”?

 

“Nobody was touching the food …” I have read a number of books that advised to avoid using this verb form. ‘Was’ is at the top of some authors’ kill lists. “Nobody touched the food …”

 

“… from which she took frequent (read: really frequent) swigs.” Really anachronistic. Try, “… from which she imbibed most frequently.”

 

“… strewn around the bottom of the throne.”  bottom of the is redundant. “… strewn around the throne.”

 

“Fun fact…” Are you doing this on purpose?

 

“Well, that was her, an unforgivable monster.” Very good ending!

[ginger_reckoning]

2 hours ago, Paul SB said:

I'm not sure if this is right, since the link opened up to submission #30. Since I'm not familiar with this story this far along, I did what I could. Mostly nit-piking diction that sounds way too modern for a fantasy setting.

 

This is the correct one!Sorry, its the 24th submission but I have done multiple chapters in one before, so it's not lined up. Sorry for the confusion. As for the anachronisms and modern diction, this is intended to be a satirical work/humorous, so it is a little intentional, but I am still interested to know if it gets annoying, so I still appreciate the comments. 

 

2 hours ago, Paul SB said:

“There was a window in the direction of her feet …” Or how about: “Soft sunlight and a slight breeze greeted her from a window she saw framed between her feet.”

 

Thanks! These and the others are good suggestions

 

2 hours ago, Paul SB said:

“… out like a pixie with a pint …” That’s a funny image! How about, “… out like a pixie after a pint …”?

 

Haha thank you! I'm glad you like the story despite missing some context. Thanks for the insights!

[Appol PhD they/he]

Excited to dig in!

Overall: I get pretty prescriptive in LBLs here; as always these are more there to get an idea of how I’m picturing the story than saying that this is the best way to revise.

I think the thematic dynamics here are executed well, with most of my wanting PU to have more to grapple with earlier on wanting something like this. We have enough info to put together pieces of how the chorus relates to S, but there’s a lot of room for more specifics to be revealed down the line. I don't think this has to be established upfront, but I think that doing so is one of the easier ways that PU could appear more connected to the conflict right away. 

It does feel like she’s going along with the plan too willingly here. My issue is less that it doesn’t make sense and more that it simplifies her emotional state even though we know it’s not good for her to be clinging onto T like this. It feels a bit strange for her to have reservations throughout the conversation but none in the actual agreement to the plan. As a thought experiment, is there a reason why A can't look for the orb while not yet knowing what she'll do with it? That keeps the tension around what she'll choose active.

There are a couple of minor points that I think could be tightened up on a plot level as well. The emotions discussed here are good, but I’m not sure why A and T share their secrets so openly (T especially, as much as I like them admitting to being a hivemind) when it doesn’t feel like there’s a clear reason to. It’s a minor complaint, but one that I think could help the story flow more naturally.  

As I go:

Pg 1. This reads well, though I think there’s room to hit a bit harder by including things more specific to her character. Maybe this is the time to bring in her fixation on pain as something to make her improve and how this makes it feel meaningless instead?

Pg 2. Fun reveal about L’s motivations. I think waiting this long to reveal this is fine, though getting a sense that S is a piece in L’s plans early on could contextualize it earlier without giving this away.

-I like A calling the prophecy an ass-pull. I think this story is at its best where it appears chaotic to the characters but does have internal logic, and this does a good job highlighting that in a way that feels better than when stories poke fun at their own weaknesses.

Pg 3. I think we need a bit more for A’s apathy to feel compelling (a difficult task in any story). This is a big blow to A’s worldview, but it feels like we’re arriving at “nothing matters” rather quickly.

Pg 4. Why is A going out of her way to confide in T here? I think the story needs to do a bit more work for this to feel like her natural choice instead of what the plot needs her to do.

Pg 5. I like awesomesauce layer, and I don’t think we need A to explain that it sounds fake on the next page. I'm used to mixing big stakes with goofiness in this story and I think it works well overall.

Pg 7. I like T admitting to being a hivemind. Gives the opportunity for A to make more complicated decisions.

Pg 9. I’m starting to see the pieces about how T’s view of the world as good and S’s view of the world as evil are equal and opposite, with neither being desirable. I think this is a great theme to focus on and should be present from the very beginning through the narration, even if the plot itself doesn’t change.

Pg 10. I like the idea of T taking advantage of A by being her last vestige of hope, but this choice feels a little fast.