6/9/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 18, 4377 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

Here we have the last submission for Labyrinth of Birdcages. As previously mentioned, it's pretty much all denouement after the climax last submission. 

 

Thanks for sticking with this draft to the end! 

[ginger_reckoning]

Congrats on finishing and subbing the whole book! Big achievement, and very exciting. Looking back on the whole book, I think my main critique (and the one I bring up all the time, I know, sorry lol) is the dialogue. Some of it still reads a little awkwardly, especially when they speak in compound sentences I feel like. Not all of it mind you, but still some of it takes me a second to parse what exactly they are saying when the sentences go long. There's also the issue of the episodic/repetitive nature of it, which I'm not sure how to solve. Overall though, I don't think its really that big of an issue. At least, I don't think it will be. Especially since this is targeted more for a highschool audience, I think it's fine, since it reads a little like a tv show, or like persona as we have discussed. I wonder if you could lean into it even harder, having each arc have a section titled "episode 2" or "Part 2" or whatever. Idk, just spitballing. 

But overall, I really like the way the book treats pyschology and mental health, and I feel like it takes a better approach even then a lot of books nowadays with the push for better representation, because this book actually talks about how the ways that these issues are treated still aren't great, especially related to neurodivergency. 

With the final chapters sepcifically, I think it's a pretty good wrap up to the story, and I think the direction the romance with K is going is really good. Other than that, most of my notes are just in LBL's 

But yeah, congrats!

 

Pg1 “even the adults were worried” I would suggest maybe “grown-ups” instead of adults? IDK, that’s completely up to you, but again makes him sound more like a kid

 

P2 “If you’re awkward as ever” I feel like this clause could be cut, I think it’s implied

 

“I return the grin” Nice, I like this. I feel like this works even though they haven’t had a ton of interactions on page

 

Pg 3 “electroshock machine” I thought it was like a projector type thing? Was it revealed that it was actually an electroshock thing? If so I don’t remember that 

 

Pg 7 I honestly think this is valid. I mean, confirming that it was a person, then killing them anyway is a pretty serious moral conundrum. TBH having J be so nonchalant about it/not questioning it is a little out of character IMO when he questions almost everything else

 

“Blind spots” I guess he does recognize it a little

 

Pg 8 “that sounds more pathetic” lol. 

 

“So when you get into bed” honestly I would not have thought about this beforehand, the fact that K did is very thoughtful, but I also wonder if it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy to bring it up

 

Pg 10 I like this section, it’s very sweet

 

Pg 15 “doesn’t mean beholden” should have “doesn’t mean I am beholden” I think

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

23 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Looking back on the whole book, I think my main critique (and the one I bring up all the time, I know, sorry lol) is the dialogue. Some of it still reads a little awkwardly, especially when they speak in compound sentences I feel like. Not all of it mind you, but still some of it takes me a second to parse what exactly they are saying when the sentences go long.

Thanks for the feedback across the whole book! It does help me to bring this up whenever you see it--usually with dialogue I focus on what it does for the story first and foremost rather than how it sounds (or in another way, my goal is to make none of it feel pointless more than than making all of it sound natural in the first draft), so it's good to see the points where I need to take another look at the phrasing.