5/12/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 15, 4415 words (V)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

We're getting close to the end, with this submission building us up to the climax. The climax plays out in the next two, and the last submission will be mostly denouement. Any feedback is helpful, and I'd also like people to keep this section in mind for when the climax hits and think if there's anything that could use more/better leadup. 

 

Thanks! 

 

[ginger_reckoning]

I'm excited to see what happens next! I think this is good setup, though I think that maybe the emotional development with the foster mom goes a little quickly, considering this is her first in-person appearance. But idk might just be me, and there's not a lot of time for that here. I also think that there was some information brought up like we were supposed to know what they were talking about, and I think J actually is making a few assumptions about the labyrinth's plan here, when I assume the narrative will probably reveal his guess to be correct. But overall, very hype, and I am excited to see how they are going to beat this thing!

 

Pg2 not sure what she means by control facility here. So she was able to escape, but never came to see him or anyone else? Confused

 

Pg 3 “show them a cartoon villain” this feels a little on the nose haha

 

Pg 4 “questioning look” it seems like J is assuming a lot about her question from just her look, when she could for instance be wondering why he’s using a knife and not say, a sword or a baseball bat

 

Pg 5 So J was chosen? Chosen for what though? That isn’t exactly clear right now. And how did she know that before choosing to take him in?

 

Pg 6 again not sure if control center has been explained before 

 

“With more awareness” I think it might sound better to just say “more awareness than it should have”

 

I think he’s assuming that the labyrinth even has a main “essence” since this is the first we are hearing of this concept

 

Pg 7 oh I forgot N was her husband. Yeah, that would be really traumatic.

 

Pg 12 “hope rather than fear” nice

 

Pg 15 “Heat behind be towards” should be “me” I think. Also, I feel like the clauses of this sentence should be switched around a little to avoid confusion

 

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to know what the device had been modified to. I’m guessing some kind of punishment device?