4/22/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 13, 4562 words (V)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Additional content warning for discussions of torture.

Hi everyone,

 

There's a specific reference throughout that I really wanted to put in here, but I'm not sure if it actually makes the story better, so I'm curious to hear thoughts on that. Beyond that I'm not quite satisfied with the dynamic between J and P, so any advice there would be helpful.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

 

Personally I thought the reference was fine. It's not all that intrusive and makes sense since its informed by MP's psychology. As for the dynamic between J and P, I'm not sure if I have solid advice. It seemed like P is definitely knowledable, and they fall back into discussions of psychology, but it basically feels like a teacher student conversation. It does contrast a little with the rest of what's going on, since we are going from fantastical action to a frank discussion that definitely feels educational in tone. Sorry that's not very helpful, but if you have any specific notes about what exactly you find unsatisfying about their dynamic, I may be able to help more

 

 

Pg 1 “trying to keep then here” should be “them”

 

I wonder if the reason why J has been so special all along is because he actually is an impostor? Idk

 

Oh haha I know the reference you are talking about 

 

Pg 2 “sea of glowing a” I think the “a” should be removed. Btw, soft purple what? Does it look like water? I remember this part from earthbound but it might not be obvious to people who haven’t played. Okay, later I see it is confirmed to be water

 

Assuming that J hasn’t played earthbound either since he doesn’t recognize anything

 

Pg3 I always forget about the timer. I know that it is supposed to provide a stakes so they have to do it in a certain amount of time, but the emotional stakes have always been more interesting, I forget they can get stuck there until its brought up again

 

Pg 4 “support PSI” I know this is taking it from earthbound, but phrasing it as “support” makes it sound even more video-gamey. Like, I would be impressed with healing powers in real life and wouldn’t really call it support but that’s just me

 

Pg 7 “more energetic and engaging” I think this kind of answers this question, because MP views this as an insecurity

 

Pg 9 “leap behind a statue” I think should be “the statue”

 

Also, I’m surprised J doesn’t consider summoning something other than a knife that might be better at destroying the statue, like a hammer or something

 

Pg14 “Read S’s fiction” I was confused about the tense of the word “read” here. Might be better to say “He read S’s fiction” 

 

Hahaha I love the porky mech at the end

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 4/25/2025 at 6:43 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

It does contrast a little with the rest of what's going on, since we are going from fantastical action to a frank discussion that definitely feels educational in tone. Sorry that's not very helpful, but if you have any specific notes about what exactly you find unsatisfying about their dynamic, I may be able to help more

Yeah, I think the tone shift is part of why it felt a bit off to me. Thanks for the feedback!