3/24/25-ginger_reckoning-A song for silence sub 16 (5035 words), VLDS

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all, thanks again for reading! For word count purposes, I had to cut this chapter in half, so it kind of ends at a weird spot. Just remember that for next week, there is not supposed to be a weird week-long pause there haha. Also, this is probably my weirdest chapter in this book, which I know is saying a lot, so please let me know if the two characters introduced in this section are too much. 

 

Tags are for violence (mostly cartoonish), language, sexual references, very light drug references 

Thanks again for reading!

[K. Preston]

Hello GR,

 

For repaying the favor of reading my work, here is what I have for yours. Honestly, I have only followed your full story in bits and pieces, so I relied more on the cliff notes you provided to keep in step.

First off, I like the fourth wall break, and the outside world involved entities. I surmise that this will deepen the arc, and be an important part of the rest of the story.

Secondly, I have an affinity for the calm-relaxed professional personality of both B and L. It adds mystery and charm simultaneously and I think works for these characters.

Now, I need to state, that I dislike critiquing work more than I can handle receiving it. So, please do not take this as some expert opinion. These are just my immediate observations as I read. Also, I am not going to search out specific areas and will only provide pages if needed. This is a general overview of things that I noticed.

1. Your G POV shifts jump rapidly from him to what seems to be L's. It is hard to follow. If this whole chapter is being narrated by G, then I suggest keeping his voice in descriptive areas to maintain that he is telling the story. If it is not, then I suggest scene breaks.

2. I found it hard to feel inside each scene with your characters. For instance, L is in a pub. What does she see? Is there any noisy ambiance? What all is around her? I think you'll find that by providing one or two immersive details, you bring the reader not just into the moment but also sitting right next to your character.
    Example: "Within the HH pub, a hushed quiet din held over the few patrons. Only disturbed by the occasional thump of a drink being sat down, or the clink of glass bottles being shoved back onto their shelves. L sat absently drawing a ring around the rim of her beer while resting her head in her hand. Barely altering this position each time her thirst demanded that she grip her mug, lift it to her mouth, and let the pungent hops waft into her nostrils and drain down her throat."
Forgive my forwardness. You provide good character description and dialogue. My suggestion is simply to immerse the scene a little more. Caveat; if this G narrating, then have him describe a bit more.

3. Lastly, there are a few moments that seem choppy or don't flow together. I understand that F is gender-fluid, but on a few occasions, I didn't know if it was F or L that was doing something.
Because of the G narration, it is difficult to tell if we are getting character introspection or a description from his POV. This seems to happen in Pgs. 14-17.

Okay, that's it. I am intrigued by L and what is happening with her and B. The sudden arrival of F and L's calling out to M add dimension to the story. I am curious to know what happens next.

Good job.

KP

[Appol PhD they/he]

Excited to dig in!

Overall: I appreciate the ambitious attempt to play with narration here, but I don’t think it quite sticks the landing. It doesn’t feel important to the story that god’s narrating it, and it doesn’t feel important that he’s jumping in now specifically. Aside from that, I think my main issue is that we still don’t have enough substance on the conflict with PU. As in, we’ve known there’s probably something sinister but there’s nothing that’s really concrete or complex to actually grapple with, including while F is actively trying to chase and kill them.

As I go:

Pg 1. I like the idea here but it feels jarring. I think the issue is there’s no real narrative cause and effect—even intentionally jarring interruptions should have some rhyme or reason. I think either the narration needs to lead up to this in some way or this should be in an appendix at the end.

Pg 2. Another issue I’m having is that it doesn’t feel like there’s a hook/conflict/stakes for the narrator’s role in the story rn

Pg 6. The main conflict I’m getting is A finally realizing S is gone. For the focus on L, I’m going to need some more justification from the story.

Pg 8. I do think it’s good to experiment with different styles of narration in early drafts but to be frank these interruptions are more frustrating than anything else.

Pg 11. If L was trying to get away from WB to begin with, why wouldn’t she take the opportunity to scram?

Pg 12. It has been set up that there’s some conflict between B and PU, and I think my issue is that we don’t have the hints as to why there’s conflict

Pg 13. The mage back and forth is also tricky because I really don’t know what anyone can do here