3/17/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 9, 4810 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

We're getting to the point of the story where I write a lot of dialogue from a little kid, which I have a hard time making feel authentic. Otherwise, no other questions other than the ongoing one about anything that feels especially out of place as being repetitive given that the plot arcs all hit similar notes.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

 

I think this one is already doing better to be less repetitive, since IMO the emotional stakes are higher with it having to do with a kid who could get really hurt, and with it being someone who isn't a highschooler. Also, having creatures attack that aren't pigeons gives it some variety, even if they are just barely mentioned before being destroyed haha. The kid dialogue was mostly good, though I did note some stuff below. Overall, this arc has potential to be very interesting!

 

 

 

 

Pg1 “remind me of the void” I won’t say that balloons and stuff can’t remind you of someone or something sad, but I am not really connecting the dots here

 

Pg 2 “So long as I was good” yeah, I still think this is a f*cked thing to say to a child haha, it’s obviously not affecting him well. I guess this is what reminded J as well?

 

Pg 3 “misuse of adoption” might be better to say “of the word adoption” since he’s not actually like, adopting kids to use them for labor or something

 

I mean outside of a story it seems like a logical jump to assume she went into the labyrinth when it could be literally anything, but in this context it makes sense 

 

Personally I wouldn’t take a kid telling me he hates me too much to heart, but yeah that still hurts

 

Pg 5 “I could ask for” how old is M again? This particular phrase seems more “adult” to me. Idk sorry I don’t want to keep on harping on this haha, but saying “best big brother ever” might make him sound more like a kid 

 

Oh, later down that may be intentional since he’s a bloody IMPOSTER 

 

Being trapped in like a WOW or darksouls game would really suck

 

Pg 12 “real weeb” lol

 

Pg 13 “distinguished from the boot print” yeah neither did I haha

 

Pg 15 oof

There's only one line where it really felt like he was talking like an epic hero, idk if I would have noticed that if it wasn't pointed out