3-3-25-ginger_reckoning-"A song for silence" sub 14-5068 words-L, V, S

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all, glad to be back after not having much to share in february! This week has some warnings for mentioning suicidal tendencies, as well as for a kissing scene that gets a little handsy, maybe four out of ten on the spiciness meter. Anyway, I feel like this submission may be a little too scattered and unfocused so I'm curious to here what you all think. Thank you!

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Excited to dig in!

Overall: I enjoyed most of the individual scenes here, which help us learn more about the floating city, bring new character connections for A, and give S some action. I did feel what was said in the overview about feeling a bit scattered, and for me I think it’s because we’ve been told that the current plot is about teaming up to hunt down S, and we get a lot of scenes that don’t really relate to that. As I mention in the LBLs, it also feels like a lot of these scenes lack narrative cause and effect, where it feels like they happen to go off now instead of being led here by the story. I do think the second half of the submission does better with this, though. J showing more overt interest in A now that his mentor is gone which gives S a chance to escape is good narrative cause and effect. Though again, I think some reframing/restructuring around the main plot could help here.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. This is a good exchange, and I think it’s important to have this to establish how S views the world. However, it feels like it’s lacking narrative cause and effect; in other words, it feels like it just happens to come up now because it’s convenient rather than the story leading it here, if that makes sense.

Pg 4-5. It feels like the story wants WB to feel insightful and mysterious but I don’t know enough about his role in the plot to be engaged with his character dynamic.

Pg 7-8. As funny as the line is, I think I’d need more on the culture/ideology of the city to believe the no sex thing, especially since the magic blocking conception is there and seems like a much easier explanation

Pg 10-11. It feels like J and WB are the ones with the actual important knowledge around the floating city, so it feels like A’s agency here is stagnating a bit

Pg 13-14. I like J’s curse bringing him and A together. Is there a way this could be introduced earlier?

Pg 18-19. I like S using the scene as cover to escape, though it doesn’t really feel like it’s been looking for an opportunity all this time. Didn’t we get scenes from it here where that wasn’t really on its mind during narration?

[ginger_reckoning]

20 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

and for me I think it’s because we’ve been told that the current plot is about teaming up to hunt down S, and we get a lot of scenes that don’t really relate to that

 

20 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

This is a good exchange, and I think it’s important to have this to establish how S views the world. However, it feels like it’s lacking narrative cause and effect; in other words, it feels like it just happens to come up now because it’s convenient rather than the story leading it here, if that makes sense.

This is what I was worried about haha. I feel like I need to include these because this sets up for the things that happen later, but I'm not sure how to include them without it feeling contrived