2/24/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 7, 4450 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

No specific comments on this one. Thanks as always for critiquing!

[ginger_reckoning]

I talk about this a little below, but I'm still a little conflicted about the conversations with Mx. P. On one hand, I find them interesting, they fit well with the themes, and they do give relevant information to the characters. On the other hand, they can get pretty technical, and especially in something as fast-paced as this story, it feels like even two pages of talking about behavioral psychology can kind of bog it down. So, just something to be aware of. That being said, I'm excited to see how V's dopplegnager tries to get her, and how they convince her to leave. 

 

 

Pg1

“After I woke up I couldn’t” I think there should be a period between “woke up” and “I”

I like this little exchange because it gets across that they still both don’t know what they are doing and want to be considerate and also seems realistic. 

 

“Video games and anime” I mean, I don’t see why this is such a a big deal if this is something they are both interested in

 

Pg 3 “genotype” okay, this is where I officially think it might be a little too much on the subject of behavioral psychology. Well, actually I’m not sure because this does seem like helpful information to their problem, but this might be a little too much

 

Pg8 “BDSM” damn I didn’t know that. Definitely interesting

 

Pg10 So I know why the pigeons are enemies here, but maybe for variety there could be some other enemies as well? Idk just spitballing 

 

Pg 11 “bridge of V’s nose” lol

“You interrogated” honestly, I would be kind of mad too

 

Pg 16 I thought V kind of accepted leaving a little easily, especially compared to K, which I thought was done very well, so I’m glad that there is at least one more challenge before she can leave. 

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 2/26/2025 at 12:46 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

talk about this a little below, but I'm still a little conflicted about the conversations with Mx. P. On one hand, I find them interesting, they fit well with the themes, and they do give relevant information to the characters. On the other hand, they can get pretty technical, and especially in something as fast-paced as this story, it feels like even two pages of talking about behavioral psychology can kind of bog it down.

Thanks for the critique! This is a great comment for what's aiming to be fast-paced YA fiction, and I'll definitely give it a look over in revision