12-23-2024-ginger_reckoning-"a song for silence" sub 10-2824 words-L

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey all, and and happy holidays! Thanks again for reading. Don't think I have any particular notes on this one other than I still feel like the pacing is taking a little too long here. Any and all notes appreciated!

[Silk she/her]

If you’re looking for places to cut, the first page feels mostly like it’s just there to transition A from waking up to the arrival of the messenger, except maybe for the reference to the day being a bad one. You could probably jump straight to the latter point, and if A’s condition flaring is important, work that into that part of the scene instead.

 A lot of the conversation between the messenger’s initial arrival and getting on the horse also feels like it could be cut or trimmed, for the same reason.  There are a few hints of the A/L dynamic and that S plans on making trouble by opening its mouth, but the primary purpose of this scene feels like it’s just to get us in the air, so to speak.

That said, I'm very interested to see where the development at the end of the chapter takes us. It might be helpful to hang a lantern on it in the earlier chapters, though. Was A expecting this? Is it part of her plan? 

(Also, if I were S I'd just take the opportunity to eat her right there. Why doesn't it?) 

Edited January 3, 2025 by Silk

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I was pretty engaged by the writing throughout, especially S’s snark fitting in unironically with the floating city. That being said it still feels like the pacing is slow and the A plot of going to the city to track down and eliminate S doesn’t hook me when we already know that actually dealing with S requires a different solution entirely.

As I go:

Pg 2. I don’t know if you’ve played the Hades video game but I’m imagining the messenger’s voice as Hypnos and it’s really entertaining me.

-I think I’ve mentioned this before but if the people from this city are so powerful I’d like to see some cultural worldbuilding on why they haven’t, like, conquered the world at any point throughout history.

Pg 3. Do we know how easily A can actually get into contact with L?

Pg 4-5. S getting some more tongue-and-cheek interactions in with the minor characters is great. Probably my favorite part of reading S.

Pg 6. I feel like there could be some interesting implications about the floating city not being accommodating to people not used to their magic, but I’m not sure if that’s what the story’s trying to get at.

Pg 7. I think a vague sense of wrongness can work for an atmospheric or suspenseful story, but for something like this I’d rather have more specific details on why the city feels threatening to L.

-I do like the ending of the little section though. Best of luck, L!

Pg 8. Nice description of the city here

Pg 10. I like the ending line here though I think we could get to it sooner after the surprise.

[ginger_reckoning]

On 1/3/2025 at 4:51 PM, Silk said:

If you’re looking for places to cut, the first page feels mostly like it’s just there to transition A from waking up to the arrival of the messenger, except maybe for the reference to the day being a bad one. You could probably jump straight to the latter point, and if A’s condition flaring is important, work that into that part of the scene instead

Thanks, I'll take this into consideration!

 

On 1/3/2025 at 4:51 PM, Silk said:

but the primary purpose of this scene feels like it’s just to get us in the air, so to speak.

Hahaha, that is true

 

On 1/3/2025 at 4:51 PM, Silk said:

(Also, if I were S I'd just take the opportunity to eat her right there. Why doesn't it?) 

Mainly because it is in a public place and especially in this city, worried about getting caught. This will be a thing later though! (Searching for opportunities, that is, A may or may not actually get eaten) 

 

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Overall: I was pretty engaged by the writing throughout, especially S’s snark fitting in unironically with the floating city. That being said it still feels like the pacing is slow and the A plot of going to the city to track down and eliminate S doesn’t hook me when we already know that actually dealing with S requires a different solution entirely.

Thanks, that's good to know. I guess minor spoilers, but the main point of this section is to set better stakes for why A wants to hunt down S here (It will be that if she helps the city, they will let her live here, which will mean that she won't have to worry about the pain anymore) that being said, the fact that it takes 150ish pages to get her to a place where she has personal stakes isn't good, and I think weaving this earlier into the story in the next draft will be an important note

 

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 2. I don’t know if you’ve played the Hades video game but I’m imagining the messenger’s voice as Hypnos and it’s really entertaining me.

I love that game! And haha that is hilarious, now (against my will)I will be doing that too

 

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

I think I’ve mentioned this before but if the people from this city are so powerful I’d like to see some cultural worldbuilding on why they haven’t, like, conquered the world at any point throughout history.

Well actually that is an important plot point, so don't worry, that will be addressed. Lantern-hanging time I guess (If you're curious, the city did conquer the world a long time ago, relatively easily, but for lack of a better term, got bored and stopped. They may or may not be trying to do that again)

 

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 6. I feel like there could be some interesting implications about the floating city not being accommodating to people not used to their magic, but I’m not sure if that’s what the story’s trying to get at.

It is actually! Glad that came through the text

 

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 7. I think a vague sense of wrongness can work for an atmospheric or suspenseful story, but for something like this I’d rather have more specific details on why the city feels threatening to L

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Pg 10. I like the ending line here though I think we could get to it sooner after the surprise.

Noted

Thanks!