The Artifocan Showman

[SourCandyLime He/Him]

I am writing a book, with a magic system i find annoyingly close to breaths, but i am too stuborn to do anything about it. Here is chapter 1.


 

Chapter One: To Be A Soar-cerer

Not many believe that I am merely human. I seek to disprove them - From The Studies of Tain; Page 1

 

Soar All was a simple enigma of a man, so many believed. He did his best to please the crowds. It’s not everyday someone would show off their Artifocal Skill, so pleasing the crowds was easy. Soar played a breathtaking, discordant note sequence, that without the added effects would have made any musician cringe, but with the magic above him, made the silent crowd grow more eager.

A war occurred above Soar. Multi-colored particles flew around in controlled formations. Red particles of different shades built an army, and yellow particles of different shades formed the opposing force. They clashed in the air, running towards each other with fireworks flying from the wands in the red army’s hands, and lighting flying from the yellow army’s wands. It was a sight to see, a beautiful, deadly, glorious sight!

Soar played another sequence, causing a volley of rockets to come from the Red Army. With his left hand, he shuffled between sharp notes and flowing chords, creating the lighting and flowing movement of those of yellow. 

“Well done, good sir! This may be the best one yet” The piano said with a very thick British accent to Soar. Though it was more of a mental projection, Soar was quite grateful for the praise. Keyed only gave praise when he felt it was truly deserved.

“Why thank you, my good friend. I still don’t know where I would be without you Keyed” Soar responded to the Piano. 

       Keyed the Piano had been Soar’s best friend all his life. Keyed was over three millennia old but still looked brand new, the glories of Artifocal Magic. Living as long as he had, you had to do a few things, like make an inanimate object last forever and be your best friend. Soar wasn’t insane, he just had no one who lived as long as him. He remembered things that few others did. He was a lonely man, but that was the way it had to be. Connection not only weighed him down but was devastating when they died and he lived on. A cycle he had seen many times before.

“Probably with a different instrument. I hear that a guitar makes a great Artifocus.” Keyed had a great knowledge of the world, and one would assume it was due to his long life. However the extended lifespans seem to cause people to lose care for the world as they grow older. Keyed was against the pattern, and so was Soar.

“Ya? Well, nothing is as good as you Keyed” Soar replied. He accidentally played the wrong note but followed through with it, the Blue army joining the fray. They wore flowing robes and flew through the air. Well, they were all in the air, but these weren’t confined to the same plane as the rest. As the Blue Army flew, their flowing robes trailing out behind them, they each held a briefcase, launching paper airplanes, these paper airplanes did as much damage to the enemy ranks as the fireworks or lightning.

If Soar was one thing, it was practical. You might not have assumed that from the above statement, but paper airplanes are a real Weapon of Mass Destruction in this world. It cuts like a Shardblade from the Cosmere but flies as constantly as an Endergenic Jet from the FabeledLand. They devastated ranks, cutting down people and weapons alike.

As the war raged on, the Red and Yellow teamed up against the Blue. They began to fire collectively at the flying ranks, the Red’s rockets and the Yellow’s lightning combining to create an undodgeable explosive, Orange in nature. The Red and Yellow Army combined and formed the Orange Army. Blue soldiers fell left, right, up, and down, the explosions throwing them everywhere. It seemed like the Orange Army would win, until…

The crowd gasped, as Two Orange soldiers shifted into a Red and a Yellow soldier, firing at each other. Many Orange soldiers were caught in the explosions, and suddenly the Orange Army split into three Armies. The Magenta army, which started running, was filled with Yellow and Red soldiers who were done with this. The new Red Army was the same as before, but now there were occasional bolts of lightning from them. The new Yellow Army was in the same situation as the Red, but with rockets randomly flying from the ranks. Every time a soldier fell, they burst into a shower of the particles that built them.

More and more particles piled onto the ground, making a rainbow mess. The crowd seemed more drawn in than before, how would this end? Just then, the Multi-Colored particles rose from the ground, forming a creature… no, a being from legend. The legendary Tain rose from the ground, formed from the fallen. He separated each of the armies, his head spasming between multiple locations, before settling into a 4 faced being, not four-headed. The faces, one each, faced up, left, right, and forward. The faces berated the Armies, except for the magenta. He led them away to safety from their former allies and enemies.

The crowd collectively groaned. Did this story really have a moralistic ending? Well, Soar wasn’t that kind of person, he was realistic, not idealistic. The separated Armies seemed to quake with anger. The music built speeding up. Around the yellow, energized lighting. The Red, vibrating particles. The Blue, eager airplanes. The notes began to move together, keys and chords shifting together, forming only 3 things, panic, resignation, and furry. The Magenta Army fled as fast and far as they could, and so the panic faded off. The Blue, Yellow, and Red Armies all formed together into The Shades of Gray. 

This story was a history, embellished with modern legends. The Shades of Gray was a real group in this day and age. They were bent on the idea of having the power of Tain. The Magenta Army became the Artifocusts, a religion based on the beliefs of Tain and the Artifocal Bistream. Soar had lived through these days, so he knew the truth of events, but nobody knew his real age, so no one got to know the real events.

The two conflicting chords got furious, as the Shades of Gray battled Tain. Some notes were barely a half step above the others, clashing in every way possible. Explosive paper airplanes flew from the Shades of Gray into the maw of Tain creating showers of sparks, which as they fell, formed in with Tain’s Multi-Colored form. Tain just stood there and watched, like a father watching his five-year-old try and beat him up. The battle raged, growing fiercer and louder, notes clanged, and Soar’s feet stamped to make the explosions. The battle soon became a fight against a deity who refused to fight back. A war went on above calm, practical Soar. He was the mastermind, the controller. 

Soar liked it that way but was never a control freak. Soar would get to his goal however he wants, but would listen to the ideas of others, letting them choose their path.

Tain sighed and finally faded away. He seemed to know he was no longer wanted by this world, a being hoping to guide humanity to a better future, teamed against. This part hurt Soar the most. He had known Tain, He was a good kid who had great intentions. He often wondered what happened to this… right.

“What happened to this world? Someone with the best intentions, treated like a monster” Soar thought bitterly

“I understand Soar, we all want what we want, but sometimes we hate it when someone wants to give us what we need,” Keyed replied. He and his creator had this conversation many times, sometimes twice a week. Soar seemed to grow more melancholy by the day, this was where his joy would come from, the performances. However what if the performances began to bring him pain? Where would his joy come from?

For now, it was time to finish this off. As Tain faded, the Shades of Gray grew some color, some becoming faintly blue, red, or yellow, but so faint that if you didn’t look closely, you would only see gray. The faint colors sorted themselves into groups, went their separate ways, and faded off.

The audience was stunned. They knew Soar’s performances were shaking to the core, but none of them expected this. Eventually, someone started clapping, then another, a few stood, and so more stood. Soon the entire crowd was joined in one large standing ovation

Soar stood and gave a bow. When he took off his hat to bow, fireworks flew from it and the crowd’s roar grew louder. Soar, in that moment, felt he lived up to his name. He truly was a Soa… wait he said it, right.

“And that's what it means to be a Soar-cerer,” Soar thought, and his clothes agreed with him.

  

[Through the Living Heir he/him]

Wow. That’s most of what I have to say. That is a much better piece of writing than I’ve produced. I don’t really see the issue with breath and artifocus being similar. They seem different to me, and regardless, there are much more similar ideas (orcs, for instance, have been copy and pasted so many times) in other fiction. I’m really excited to find out what happens next in your story. 

[SourCandyLime He/Him]

I have written through chapter 3, though I need to go back and rewrite my Prolouge and Prelude, but if I get enough pressure, I might post chapter 2 here. (or the prologue and prelude)

[TheSurvivorofDeath]

I see no real similarity to breaths in this magic system. It is an interesting one, and could be quite good, but it’s not like breaths or awakening, not really. There are some sentence structure and flow errors in the writing, and mentioning Shardblades just ruins the immersion, but otherwise this is a pretty good read. 

[BlueWildRye he/him]

Is it set in the real world, because then the references to other properties kinda make sense, but if not then they feel out of place. Beyond that, I really liked it!

[TheSurvivorofDeath]

16 minutes ago, BlueWildRye said:

Is it set in the real world, because then the references to other properties kinda make sense, but if not then they feel out of place. Beyond that, I really liked it!

Even if it’s set in the real world it still draws away from the immersion. It’s generally advisable not to compare things to other fictional things. There’s no guarantee a reader has seen that thing and it’s better to just describe the thing with real description. Describe it as cutting the soul, not as being like a Shardblade. Just my two cents 

[SourCandyLime He/Him]

Well, I am writing this from the perspective of the Storyteller. He is a member of the Multiversal Alliance, a kind of librarian. He records the stories of the members in each universe, and in this one we have a Tig. The Storyteller breaks the 4th wall and talks of himself in the chapters about a girl named Sip, but he can't help comparing the worlds he records to the worlds he has seen.

[TheSurvivorofDeath]

4 minutes ago, SourCandyLime said:

Well, I am writing this from the perspective of the Storyteller. He is a member of the Multiversal Alliance, a kind of librarian. He records the stories of the members in each universe, and in this one we have a Tig. The Storyteller breaks the 4th wall and talks of himself in the chapters about a girl named Sip, but he can't help comparing the worlds he records to the worlds he has seen.

I suppose that makes sense. I do feel like it would be more reasonable to have this Storyteller cite some other fictional creation that isn’t from a real-world fictional story, as that makes this multiverse separate from our world. You could use real literature to explain things but I feel like that would be jarring as a reader. At the very least just say cuts like a Shardblade and cut out the “from the Cosmere” part, since if the Storyteller is just citing things he’s seen out of habit he wouldn’t say where it was from. Just saying. I do like this story idea, my only real issues are the sentence structure and immersion.

[SourCandyLime He/Him]

That is a fair point, I will do that!