Scars Writing Channel

[Scars of Hathsin he/him]

So this is my first time posting something I wrote for a competition recently. I don't think it was my best work, and I think that one of my drafts were better, I am looking for some feedback though on my writing style.

A Fathers Grief:

Spoiler

Arranis lay curled up in the Everything, the place that made up the space in between universes, the place that made anything and everything in the multiverse. His body racked in spasms of grief, tears streaming down his face, his face contorted in odd ways, trying to express a grief that no one else could understand. One completely new to him. He draws in a shuddering breath, his body quivering, ready to send him back into the spasms. Another breath, a calming breath, a breath to try and stop the pain. “Desouled animals” he yells into the unknown. “How could you do this to a boy” he says in a softer voice, pain showing at the edges of his words. Tears stream down his face, catching in the hollows under his eyes, as he lay there. “Why O’ great goddess did this happen to me” he pleads, hoping against hope, that she was real. Something he had not considered before this point, even after living in, that, world for so long.

 

More breaths, and shivering. More spasms that rack his body, but against it all he stands, convulsing. An ember of fire showing in his eyes. Eyes that seemed to bore into anything, making anything want to shrink into itself to get away from the intensity. The fire lights inside of him, stemming some of the grief that raced through his body, like a flood after a storm. A fire that was fuelled by the grief, anger, and rage that filled a parent when their child was in danger, or had, had been lost to the depths of the Nothing. The place that everything went when they died. He glances at the rings on his finger, each one symbolising someone important to him. One of which now glowed the black void of death, the other 2 glowing with the soft white light of life. “Yo-yo-you de-de-desouled bastards” he yells once again into the Everything, his own voice running away from him, like leaves before a storm. Arranis gathers himself, tears still streaming down his face, both tears of anger and grief. He grabs them and flings them into the furnace that burned in the centre of his chest, his heart, the place that ached the most. He stokes the fires that burn in his heart, reaching into himself, reaching for the power that had gotten him to the Everything in the first place. He glows a multihued glow, and the memories flood back to him.

**

Aiden splashing him in the lake that sat near their ramshackle house, his laughter echoing of the trees that formed a barrier around the lake, protecting it from the prying eyes of others.

Aiden being born, and holding him for the first time, knowing what a special and lucky person he was, so special and lucky for being this little fella’s dad.

Aiden’s firsts steps, and his first time going on a fishing trip, and not wanting to hurt the creatures that always seemed to end up on his rod, and not Arranis’s.

Him solemnly telling him, “I love you Daddy”

Aiden holding his little brother for the first time, and the amazement that lit up his face. The pure joy that seemed to emanate from him.

His innocence.

His passion.

His love.

His laughter.

 

Aiden laying dead on the path, the arrow shot from the treacherous person behind him, sticking out from his back, his face shocked, scared, frightened. His last words. “Daddy?” The anger that had enveloped him, but had led to him being teleported away, back to safety, the anger that now was under control and wanted revenge.

**

The multihued glow travels up Arranis’s body, enveloping him, bringing him knowledge of what he could do to the people that had wronged him. His laughs internally, a cruel smile splitting his face. “You better watch out” he mutters underneath his breath, thinking of the pain that he could enforce upon the traitorous countrymen, the damned alien Haki, and the other multiverse travellers that hunted him. The multihued glow condenses in his palm, forming a ball of light that lit up everything nearby, which was nothing much. He tosses at the ground, and a pillar of light splits the sky, the borders blurring with the world that he was going to, the place that had deprived him of his child. He steps through, the smile still lighting up his face, seen by the people that greet him on the other side of the portal. Swords flashing into existence, dropping into his waiting hands.

He lunges at the closest person, who happened to be the Haki. Who had no time to react, and fell just as quickly as Arranis had leapt at him. His swords flash as his cuts one of those arrows out of the air. Each one as thick as a man’s wrist, with a heavy iron tip, meant to kill instantly. He stares at the person that shot him, his face being burned into Arranis’s mind, his hooked nose, blond hair, and his hazel eyes. Staring defiantly at him.

Your dead he thinks to himself. His gaze panicky almost, his eyes bloodshot, and dilated. The other man ran. Smart choice Arranis thinks to himself, chasing after him. But not smart enough. Arranis chases the man, the other mercenaries left behind him, chasing the man that killed his boy. He roars, a sound of pain and anger. He reaches the trees where the man had fled, finding him on the ground, his ankle rolled from a tree root that lay in the path. “P-please don’t kill me, I have children to look after” the man stutters. “I do too, but you killed one of them” Arranis says his bloodshot, dilated eyes staring back at the man. His sword comes flashing down, only to be met by a flash of light, as the man Travels. Arranis stares at the spot he had been. “I will find you I promise”

I had a limit of 1000 words or so I thought, it was changed to 1500 and I did not notice, but could I have some feedback?

[RoyalBeeMage he/him]

5 hours ago, Scars of Hathsin said:

So this is my first time posting something I wrote for a competition recently. I don't think it was my best work, and I think that one of my drafts were better, I am looking for some feedback though on my writing style.

A Fathers Grief:

  Hide contents

Arranis lay curled up in the Everything, the place that made up the space in between universes, the place that made anything and everything in the multiverse. His body racked in spasms of grief, tears streaming down his face, his face contorted in odd ways, trying to express a grief that no one else could understand. One completely new to him. He draws in a shuddering breath, his body quivering, ready to send him back into the spasms. Another breath, a calming breath, a breath to try and stop the pain. “Desouled animals” he yells into the unknown. “How could you do this to a boy” he says in a softer voice, pain showing at the edges of his words. Tears stream down his face, catching in the hollows under his eyes, as he lay there. “Why O’ great goddess did this happen to me” he pleads, hoping against hope, that she was real. Something he had not considered before this point, even after living in, that, world for so long.

 

More breaths, and shivering. More spasms that rack his body, but against it all he stands, convulsing. An ember of fire showing in his eyes. Eyes that seemed to bore into anything, making anything want to shrink into itself to get away from the intensity. The fire lights inside of him, stemming some of the grief that raced through his body, like a flood after a storm. A fire that was fuelled by the grief, anger, and rage that filled a parent when their child was in danger, or had, had been lost to the depths of the Nothing. The place that everything went when they died. He glances at the rings on his finger, each one symbolising someone important to him. One of which now glowed the black void of death, the other 2 glowing with the soft white light of life. “Yo-yo-you de-de-desouled bastards” he yells once again into the Everything, his own voice running away from him, like leaves before a storm. Arranis gathers himself, tears still streaming down his face, both tears of anger and grief. He grabs them and flings them into the furnace that burned in the centre of his chest, his heart, the place that ached the most. He stokes the fires that burn in his heart, reaching into himself, reaching for the power that had gotten him to the Everything in the first place. He glows a multihued glow, and the memories flood back to him.

**

Aiden splashing him in the lake that sat near their ramshackle house, his laughter echoing of the trees that formed a barrier around the lake, protecting it from the prying eyes of others.

Aiden being born, and holding him for the first time, knowing what a special and lucky person he was, so special and lucky for being this little fella’s dad.

Aiden’s firsts steps, and his first time going on a fishing trip, and not wanting to hurt the creatures that always seemed to end up on his rod, and not Arranis’s.

Him solemnly telling him, “I love you Daddy”

Aiden holding his little brother for the first time, and the amazement that lit up his face. The pure joy that seemed to emanate from him.

His innocence.

His passion.

His love.

His laughter.

 

Aiden laying dead on the path, the arrow shot from the treacherous person behind him, sticking out from his back, his face shocked, scared, frightened. His last words. “Daddy?” The anger that had enveloped him, but had led to him being teleported away, back to safety, the anger that now was under control and wanted revenge.

**

The multihued glow travels up Arranis’s body, enveloping him, bringing him knowledge of what he could do to the people that had wronged him. His laughs internally, a cruel smile splitting his face. “You better watch out” he mutters underneath his breath, thinking of the pain that he could enforce upon the traitorous countrymen, the damned alien Haki, and the other multiverse travellers that hunted him. The multihued glow condenses in his palm, forming a ball of light that lit up everything nearby, which was nothing much. He tosses at the ground, and a pillar of light splits the sky, the borders blurring with the world that he was going to, the place that had deprived him of his child. He steps through, the smile still lighting up his face, seen by the people that greet him on the other side of the portal. Swords flashing into existence, dropping into his waiting hands.

He lunges at the closest person, who happened to be the Haki. Who had no time to react, and fell just as quickly as Arranis had leapt at him. His swords flash as his cuts one of those arrows out of the air. Each one as thick as a man’s wrist, with a heavy iron tip, meant to kill instantly. He stares at the person that shot him, his face being burned into Arranis’s mind, his hooked nose, blond hair, and his hazel eyes. Staring defiantly at him.

Your dead he thinks to himself. His gaze panicky almost, his eyes bloodshot, and dilated. The other man ran. Smart choice Arranis thinks to himself, chasing after him. But not smart enough. Arranis chases the man, the other mercenaries left behind him, chasing the man that killed his boy. He roars, a sound of pain and anger. He reaches the trees where the man had fled, finding him on the ground, his ankle rolled from a tree root that lay in the path. “P-please don’t kill me, I have children to look after” the man stutters. “I do too, but you killed one of them” Arranis says his bloodshot, dilated eyes staring back at the man. His sword comes flashing down, only to be met by a flash of light, as the man Travels. Arranis stares at the spot he had been. “I will find you I promise”

I had a limit of 1000 words or so I thought, it was changed to 1500 and I did not notice, but could I have some feedback?

i love the multiverse trading hub refrence and the marina's echo one.