Mark - 05/10/2014 - Equo Trilogy Part 1: Aldo, Chapter Two and Three (L)

[Mark]

Any and all critique is appreciated, as always. Oh and the email has two attachments, Sample23 is the one you want.

 

Thank you.

 

Mark. 

[Lord Juugatsu]

I thoroughly enjoyed these chapters. There was good flow and characterization in the dialogue presented, and I personally liked how many different levels of ticked off people were as the argued. One of the things that definitely worked for me was the call outs to information presented, such as Ranus's northern boy, the allusions to general state of things with the demons and daemites, the earlier reference to Julia's uncle letting him know the roster. It all came out well in my opinion and felt natural.

One thing that stood out a bit that I thought felt odd, but I don't consider it a major issue, when Aldo was being confronted about the wyvern blood, he seemed to bounce back and forth between confrontational and scared, and it just read a bit odd for me.

I haven't hopped back to review Julia's parts from chapter one, but I liked her portrayal in the frustration and as much of a jerk as Aldo is, I particularly loved his bit on advantages and disadvantages because I felt like he was a lot more raw there than he has been elsewhere.

My lunch break is up, so I'll post this for now as the main things I wanted to comment on. I can go through and bit a bit more picky later if you want. Otherwise, I was very engaged for these chapters and I kind of liked seeing the new characters introduced in heated arguments as a way to really get an idea of their values and standings.

[Mark]

I'm very glad you enjoyed it, thank you. 

 

Thinking about it, Aldo did seem to be a bit all over the place. I was trying to get across the confusion of a teenager's emotions in a stressful situation, but I may have overdone it. Thanks for pointing that out. 

 

What you said above was great, and while I'd be happy with additional critiquing, don't feel obliged to. 

 

Cheers, Mark.

[Dysphoric Kitten she/her]

I don't like that rectangle you have your quote in. Quotes should be free and italicized, not boxed up. At least to me.

 

Aldo laughs. I think your edit says that he and Brutus hoped it would not come to this.

 

Yay! Aldo is gonna get no dinner! But really, I hope he is gonna get beaten or something, as you won't let him just lose... it just serves him right. 

 

Aldo can't tell Brutus to quiet down. It just does not work. Brutus is both the man in charge and more responsible, it just does not work that the side that is careless and should be so, tells the careful side "you are too reckless". And yes, I see Brutus as the responsible person here - not only does he act that way, he also comes as the master who trained and still guides the trainee.

 

"Julia breathed hard, her face red" - up until now, I was totally with her. Now she seems to be very over-emotional, just because of this one sentence. Was that your intention?

 

I certainly hate him now. He is either trying to be funny and is just too much of an ash-brain to succeed, or is being cruel. I opt for the latter choice, by the way.

 

He is oblivious. Using skills like information-gathering is within the law, and probably the rules as well, using skills like magic is breaking both the rules and the law. Massive difference.

 

She lacks so much self control in this scene, that I cannot really call her a strong character. She needs to be more balanced - right now, she is lopsided. If you balance her temper somehow, it will make her more real (how does a person who has no self-control end up there?) and stronger.

 

"Yes I am, what do you want?" will feel more right without the "I am". He is being too respectful in the beginning for his dismissive/rude question to flow well with it.

 

"blurted out" is not what it sounds that she is doing. The sentence can be blurted, but it needs to be different. Or it can be not blurted.

 

"his chair scraping off the stone floor"

 

Wow, he loves Hubris more than he loves proving his girlfriend wrong.

 

Is the semicircle something they are known for? I do not see how it made the Hubrised Aldo change outlooks that fast.

 

Ranus is too quick to anger and too quick to act. That means that Equos filter only by skill and not by character. Very bad idea.

 

Yes, he did steal it for selfish needs. Being an Equo.

 

And his point is that they should let him eat? What is he, stormed in the head? Drab of mind? Did his witspren bond Numuhukumakiaki'aialunamor?

 

Her logic is flawed. He did not hurt them directly, but the moment when a person committing a crime innocently is not punished, the law suddenly becomes as pliable as clay. For example, if a 15 year old and a 30 year old are in love and have completely consensual sex, they should still be punished, even if they did nothing morally wrong, as letting them break the law makes that law breakable, and all sorts of statutory rape will be allowed as well.

 

Yeah, that seals it. Equos have no self control. They are not Samurais, but rather old, frustrated crusaders.

 

Again, I recommend you get rid of the box.

 

Are they being funny or somber? The phrasing seems to be almost flippant.

 

No one is getting rid of the ceremony, it is customary. They will do it, except each will know the others' chosen before it commences.

 

I certainly hope Mya is a poor representation as well.

 

Ewww... I do not know if I want to read on. Also, this is really not what an Equo should be...

 

It just occurred to me - was the minutaur sequence before Wyvern blood was discovered?

 

Not sure how to take the rest of the chapter.

 

 

Overall, it was good. Had a few parts where it seemed implausible or not what it should be. And I detailed them. There are a few others I did not know how to take, but were not too bad. I would still continue reading if this was a book. However, my suspension of disbelief would be shortened by about a third, maybe somewhat more. That is not ideal, since I tend to be more skeptic and less accepting. And I am more likely to just stop somewhere in the middle, as well.

 

 

 

Please remember, this is all just my opinion.

 

 

 

NOTE: if you want to show confused emotions, try jumping through more than two. I would recommend at least four in this sequence, and sometimes mix two, perhaps two that hardly do mix. Jumping between two seems more indecisive and less confused, especially if the change is rather regular, which feels like he is trying to balance between the two.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Tal Spektor

[Mark]

Thanks for all your points, Tal. And no, the minotaur sequence was not before wyvern blood was discovered. 

[Mandamon he/him]

I thought these two chapters were better than the first ones.  I'm getting pulled into the world more, especially since we find out more about the Equo.  

 

Some notes:

 

pg 2: “Hey, it’s a free world.” He leant against the wall next to her.

--it's probably not, if this is any sort of pre-industrial society.  Aldo mentions peasants a few paragraphs above, so there's obviously a class-based society.  I know it's a small nitpick, and he's just trying to get a rise out of Julie, but the phrase pulled me out of the story.

 

Good tension when Ranus threatens Aldo.  Not sure about using so much profanity. If this is YA, which I assume it is, given the characters' ages, I don't think it would work.  I understand why you use it, but it might need to be toned down.

 

pg 8: I wasn't expecting a POV from one of the Equos.  Good switch there.  However, a lot of the interplay between them seems almost juvenile.  A lot more petty than I would expect from serious men and women devoted to whatever they're doing--saving the world in some sense, I expect.

 

And the end of chapter 2, we have Rubumultis, Parma, and possibly Admo as words for magic things.  You give us an indication of what Rubumultis is, but there's no description of the other two at all, so it's going to be hard for me to keep them straight, going forward, I expect.

 

pg 13: "I should be able to count on Brutus. I've known him all my life."

--Et Tu, Brutus?

 

pg 13: "His grey eyes were wide and intense, and Brutus saw the faintest of red dots in them. "

--This seems to be in limited 3rd POV, but this is from Brutus' POV, not Aldo's

And this: "Brutus could not tear his eyes from Aldo's. The hairs on his arms and neck stood up, and he shivered uncontrollably."

I can't remember if you did this in the first chapter as well.  I tend to think if you stay in 3rd limited most of the time, you should do it all the time and not just into omniscient.  You can go the other way, but It's not widely done.

 

Ok, I'm liking Aldo a bit more than before.  His competence and proactivity are overshadowing his unlikeability enough.  I'm interested to see more of what happens.

The language is a bit...much.  And I'm not particularly sensitive.  But if it starts distracting me from the story, that's too much.  The Equo were swearing every sentence or so, and I don't want to put up with that for a whole book.  If it's YA, it's definitely too much.  Even if it's adult, it's a bit strong.

[Mark]

Thanks for the critique Mandamon. The POV point on Brutus and Aldo was really helpful, I'll work on that. 

 

The cursing point is also pretty good. I'll tone it down a bit, even though it isn't supposed to be YA (though I can absolutely see why you'd think that). 

[molah]

Hello Mark,

Sorry for the delay, I'm struggling to keep up with writing, critiquing and my everyday's life.

Here's my feedback without having read the comments of the others:

I thought these chapters read nicely. The reading flow was mostly smooth. I really liked the image you painted of the Equos - especially the red splinters in their eyes.

Here are some thoughts and some things I thought were a bit off:
- Aldo is just so incredible unlikable.. I think that if this was a sample on Amazon Kindle, I would not buy the book. If you have an unlikable main character, you need something else that strongly draws the audience to your book. I haven't felt that yet
- I thought it weird that Julia was leaning against the Inn and broke the skin on her knuckles when slamming her fist against the building. At that angle, I would have expected her to hit the wall with the side/lower part of her fist, not the knuckles
- I felt it was slightly odd that the Equos were crammed into a small room int he Inn, without being disturbed by anyone
- I just couldn't imagine how Ranus could draw his huge broadsword in a small room - especially without getting stuck and/or hurting his companions
- The image of Aldo sticking his finger to Ranus' chin was odd to me. I would have expected Ranus to slap the hand away, or to beat Aldo for this insolence
- Mya's remark about the "tantrum" that Julia threw didn't sound to me like something she would say / complain about, for several reasons: They know Julia only lost because Aldo cheated, so her anger is understandable and Mya and Ranus aren't examples of calmness either...

Cheers,
Helge

[Mark]

Thanks Helge, and no matter what time it comes, I appreciate it. 

 

Just from personal experience, when one punches a vertical surface their knuckles get bruised. The inn wall would be perpendicular to the ground. 

 

The room I imagined being larger, but I obviously haven't properly expressed that. I'll go back and fix that up. 

 

Ranus would probably do that, you're right. I'll rewrite it.

 

It does seem rather odd that the Equos are so concerned with a possibly temperamental apprentice, doesn't it? 

 

As always, your critique was helpful. Thank you.

 

Mark

[molah]

Just from personal experience, when one punches a vertical surface their knuckles get bruised. The inn wall would be perpendicular to the ground. 

 

I imagined her leaning with her back against the inn. That's why Basically, I imagined her hitting the wall behind her back.

Edited October 20, 2014 by molah

[Mark]

Ohh, I see. Like with her arm out to her side? I see where you're coming from, I'll work on the clarity there.

[molah]

Yes, exactly

[Robinski he/him]

Ahem, apologies for the HUGE gap from your submission to these comments. I'm just catching up now after doing the ‘Write About Dragons’ course with my Start Write Now compadres, then there was NaNo, and then there was Christmas!

 

Anyway, I continue to find your style readable, flowing pretty well. Some of the phrasing throws me off a bit, but that’s all polish. I think I commented about Aldo being arrogant. Well, I haven’t changed my view on that, but I find it quite effective, producing a good dynamic between him and Brutus. It makes me kind of root for Aldo, but also keen to see him take a fall.

 

I don’t like Parma as a name for magic or a spell. Forgive me if I'm repeating myself from earlier (not checked back on comments), but to me that’s a ham, or a football team or a city in Italy, which is exactly what I thought of when the name came up (in that order).

 

I like Julia’s rant and her hot temper. Smashing the table was a nice touch – I enjoyed that. I did think that an inn would be likely to have a bouncer or similar to throw out someone so unruly, or at least for the innkeeper to remonstrate with them. I thought the word ‘prick’ was out of context though, I don’t get a sense of such a gritty tone from the story, the age of the characters and the style make me think in YA territory. I know you've said not, but having a 16 year old protagonist makes it difficult

 

I found myself disagreeing with Aldo’s assessment of physical disadvantages being unfair. Fairness has no role in genetics, it’s simple luck surely, but it’s only bad luck if those plain people wanted to be perceived as ‘beautiful’ or the short ones wanted to be tall. I found his assessment a bit unsophisticated.

 

Again, the profanity (rust) seems out of place. Is it intended to shock? If so, I think it’s used too casually. These are not particularly high stress situations and, to me, it seems out of character for the two people who have sworn so far.

 

He’s thirteen? Interesting, must admit my impression was maybe 15 or 16.

 

“grinned a savage grin” stuck out as an awkward phrase for me – and what does it matter what his teeth are like? You used the phrase earlier “their shock was for more uniform than their appearance. Like this comment about teeth, I think that distracts from what you want the reader to be thinking about, which is the savage grin and the (earlier) shock.

 

I like that Aldo is getting a good bawling out here, and seems to be rattled – he deserves it! Again, I think the swearing is unnecessary and is really going to hamper you if you have any intention of submitting your story for publication.

 

I’m curious about the size of the room if Ranus can draw a 5-foot Claymore and hold it overhead. Also, what wood does it scrape off? And now the woman is swearing?

 

At a practical level, it seems odd that the Equos would wear full plate armour for day-to-day activity. That stuff is going to be really heavy, uncomfortable and impractical – the implication I took is that they wear it every day? They are going to be slow and unwieldy. I'm having trouble suspending my disbelief on that front.

 

I like the twist of Mya taking Aldo as her apprentice in the middle of the argument with Ranus. Didn’t see it coming and it was satisfying.

Who’s Admo?

 

How does Aldo guess that Mya is his new master? That turned me off. The reader thinks he knows something that Aldo doesn’t only to have the annoying smartarse take that from them. His knowing took all the tension out of that exchange for me.

 

Aldo’s speech felt out of place for me. Why would he be so threatening to Brutus when the man is his companion? Then he gives him the strong arm and threatens him with death? I lost all faith in Aldo’s judgement of people at this point.

 

I like the premise of the story, and the characters are reasonably engaging. I feel that Aldo behaves older than the 16 years he seems to be, the way he speaks put me off the idea of him being 16. I'm struggling to believe that.

 

There’s a good deal of conflict in Chapter 2, which is good. I’ve made my point about the swearing, I really don’t think it’s necessary or particularly effective, but more than that, it distracts from the writing, the characters and the story – all of which should stand up on their own without the shock value – although even that is lessened because of the frequency of the expletives. Unnecessary and a barrier to you taking the story forward in terms of submitting it, I think.

 

I'm interested to read more, but as you’ll gather from my comments, my opinion of Aldo sways back and forth. I would really hope to be more on board with the protagonist by this point, but I'm still pretty into the story. Keen to see him try-fail soon.

 

On to the next submission!