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Ookla's Writing Thread


Ookla

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I've started one of these before, but it wasn't really conducive to continued use, so I'm starting another, more general one that I should be able to keep using as time goes on. Thread economy, y'know? :)

For my first use on this thread, I've got a bit of description that I'm unsure of. I don't know if it's clear enough to get a decent picture of what's going on without being boring and/or overly wordy. Any and all feedback is appreciated!

Spoiler

The ferry was small, but sturdily built. Two ropes strung between trees on either side of the river and threaded through iron rings set into the railings of the ferry held it in its longitudinal position on the river. Moving it laterally across the river could be accomplished relatively easily—if the ferry was on the wrong side of the river, there were two more ropes extending from the front and back of the ferry to sturdy oak trees on either side of the river, which a person could haul on to bring the ferry to their side. Once on deck, pulling on the other rope would slowly, but surely, tow the ferry back across the waterway.

 

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9 hours ago, RoyalBeeMage said:

It’s good. My only issue is that it sounds a bit to scientific. A normal person would not normally speak like that. In my experience people prefer to read similar to how they speak 

Good point! Thanks!

Is this better?

Spoiler

The ferry was small, but sturdily built. It was kept on its track across the river by two ropes, strung between trees on either side of the river, that threaded through iron rings on the side railings of the ferry. There were two more ropes extending from the front and back of the ferry to sturdy oak trees on either side of the river, which a person could haul on to bring the ferry to their side. Once on deck, pulling on the other rope would slowly, but surely, tow the ferry back across the waterway.

 

Edited by Ookla
Adding in an edited excerpt. :)
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19 minutes ago, Ookla said:

Good point! Thanks!

Is this better?

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The ferry was small, but sturdily built. It was kept on its track across the river by two ropes, strung between trees on either side of the river, that threaded through iron rings on the side railings of the ferry. There were two more ropes extending from the front and back of the ferry to sturdy oak trees on either side of the river, which a person could haul on to bring the ferry to their side. Once on deck, pulling on the other rope would slowly, but surely, tow the ferry back across the waterway.

 

i would say so yes. the first one was fine if your main character is meant to be highly intelligent but i kind of prefer the new one.

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