Ookla's Writing Thread

[Ookla she/her]

I've started one of these before, but it wasn't really conducive to continued use, so I'm starting another, more general one that I should be able to keep using as time goes on. Thread economy, y'know?

For my first use on this thread, I've got a bit of description that I'm unsure of. I don't know if it's clear enough to get a decent picture of what's going on without being boring and/or overly wordy. Any and all feedback is appreciated!

Spoiler

The ferry was small, but sturdily built. Two ropes strung between trees on either side of the river and threaded through iron rings set into the railings of the ferry held it in its longitudinal position on the river. Moving it laterally across the river could be accomplished relatively easily—if the ferry was on the wrong side of the river, there were two more ropes extending from the front and back of the ferry to sturdy oak trees on either side of the river, which a person could haul on to bring the ferry to their side. Once on deck, pulling on the other rope would slowly, but surely, tow the ferry back across the waterway.

 

[RoyalBeeMage he/him]

It’s good. My only issue is that it sounds a bit to scientific. A normal person would not normally speak like that. In my experience people prefer to read similar to how they speak 

[Ookla she/her]

9 hours ago, RoyalBeeMage said:

It’s good. My only issue is that it sounds a bit to scientific. A normal person would not normally speak like that. In my experience people prefer to read similar to how they speak 

Good point! Thanks!

Is this better?

Spoiler

The ferry was small, but sturdily built. It was kept on its track across the river by two ropes, strung between trees on either side of the river, that threaded through iron rings on the side railings of the ferry. There were two more ropes extending from the front and back of the ferry to sturdy oak trees on either side of the river, which a person could haul on to bring the ferry to their side. Once on deck, pulling on the other rope would slowly, but surely, tow the ferry back across the waterway.

 

Edited February 13 by Ookla
Adding in an edited excerpt. :)

[RoyalBeeMage he/him]

19 minutes ago, Ookla said:

Good point! Thanks!

Is this better?

  Hide contents

The ferry was small, but sturdily built. It was kept on its track across the river by two ropes, strung between trees on either side of the river, that threaded through iron rings on the side railings of the ferry. There were two more ropes extending from the front and back of the ferry to sturdy oak trees on either side of the river, which a person could haul on to bring the ferry to their side. Once on deck, pulling on the other rope would slowly, but surely, tow the ferry back across the waterway.

 

i would say so yes. the first one was fine if your main character is meant to be highly intelligent but i kind of prefer the new one.

[Ookla she/her]

It's been a hot second since I've posted anything on here, hasn't it? Fortunately, I have an excuse--I've been working on a few interconnected projects all set on the same world (just at vastly different times), and as I was working on one of them I realized that I needed to hammer down my worldbuilding and magic system a lot better than I did. I have done the worldbuilding, and now I want to post it here and ask you guys: Does this make sense?

Also, sorry; there's a lot of material here...

Spoiler

The Worldbuilding of ZoAna

Part 1: ZoAna Herself
    ZoAna is a living, growing entity that takes the shape of a world. This world is not a globe; because of the nature of ZoAna, the world takes the form of a broad, flat expanse of terrain, both oceans and landmasses, that are contained within an unbreakable wall. The sky is domed in shape, and the sun and moon circle over the face of ZoAna inside its confines.
    ZoAna's first instinct is to create, and so she used her power to form life upon her surface. As she practiced her art and grew better at creation, she created mankind—an entity that also had the power to create, as she did. Unfortunately, anything with the power to create also has the power to destroy. Destruction is far simpler a task than creation, and mankind has always been inherently lazy.
    Only those people who were spiritually connected to ZoAna had a greater desire to create than to destroy, and those people were hunted by their more carnal peers almost to extinction. At this point, ZoAna stepped in and blessed them with her Power so they could protect themselves.

Part 2: Benioff
    The first fundamental principle behind the Power of ZoAna is that a person has to recognize their natural, inborn Connection to her before they can use her Power.
    In Benioff, this is done through tattoos. The tattoos themselves have no power to Connect; however, so much of what makes this magic system work is based around perception. Culturally, people in Benioff are told that the tattoos Connect a person's soul to the soul of the land (who is also their Goddess, known as Zoana). This means that when a person gets their tattoos on the day they become an adult, their perception about their Connection to the land changes. As soon as they recognize that they are Connected, their access to the Power appears.
    Note that the tattoos are not necessary for a person to access the Power. If one knows how the system works, they can simply work towards changing their perception of themselves and their Connection to get the result they want.

Part 3: Wadati
    In Wadati, the important Connection is not to the land (though they are still Connected to the land and are perceptually blocking it), but to people. Additionally, in Wadati, the marriage ceremony is considered to be so binding that divorce or separation is not possible. This perception of things makes it so—any attempt at divorce, or even mistreatment of one's spouse, results in extremely unpleasant consequences which I have not yet determined.

Part 4: The Magic System
    Ideally, everyone would understand that, though the land has been divided into the two nations of Wadati and Benioff, it is a Connection to ZoAna, the world itself, that truly grants power. Early in the history of mankind, this was well-known by all peoples.
    However, after the wars in the early ages that divided the land and nearly led to the full extinction of all the good, pure souls, much knowledge was lost, leaving only the Benioffish knowledge of Connection Tattoos behind.
    In this magic system, everything is based around perception. If you believe that you are Connected to Zoana as a whole world/entity (because everyone is, since ZoAna created them), then you have access to her Power wherever you are. If you believe that you are Connected to your homeland, then you will only have the Power when you are within the borders of your homeland. If you are a conqueror, and believe that the land you are subjecting is a part of your homeland now, then you will have access to the Power in every stretch of that land you believe your people own.
    And so on.

Part 5: Case Study
    In one of the stories I'm working on in this world, the protagonist is the Benioffish Queen-to-be, Dusk. Wadati has just invaded and conquered Benioff, and Dusk and her younger sister have been taken as prisoners of war and brought back to Wadati.
    Due to their generational perception of Wadati and Benioff being two separate lands, Dusk and her sister lose their access to the Power after they cross the border. However, when Dusk falls in love with the Wadatian Crown Prince, Roslan, and marries him, her perception changes.
    Since her people would disown her as a citizen of Benioff for this decision, she perceptually disowns herself, making it so that, if she were to return to Benioff, she would be unable to access the Power there as she was able to before. However, her marriage to Roslan changes her perception so that she is now a citizen of Wadati—which means that she can now access the Power as long as she is in Wadati.
    The Wadatian marriage, with the way it is perceived culturally, causes Dusk and Roslan to see themselves as inextricably Connected to each other. Because she is a citizen of Wadati indirectly, through her marriage to Roslan, Dusk assumes that her access to the Power has returned for the same reason—that she is piggybacking off Roslan's Connection to Wadati. The implications of this mean that Roslan must be Connected to the land, and when she tells him what (she thinks) is going on, his perception of his Connection to the land changes and he suddenly has access to the Power, too.
    Now, if, by the end of the story, Dusk and Roslan could come to see Wadati and Benioff as being a part of the same whole, and not separate at all, they would gain the ability to use the Power in either country. Any other, as-yet-undiscovered country they add to their perception of that whole would also be a place they could use the Power.
    Furthermore, if Dusk and Roslan could come to see the truth that everything on Zoana's face is a part of her and one of her creations, they would be able to use the Power anywhere, on anything. Even the sea and sky would bend to their wills, and they would be automatically Connected to all the people around them as if with a Wadatian marriage bond. This would give them a greater capacity to communicate with others and bring peace to the world as a whole.
    If only they could change their perception. :)

Have I explained all this well?

This is also the point where I admit that Sanderson's more-recent emphasis on Connection in the Cosmere has added to my inspiration. Also, the Cognitive Realm and its implications of perception, and Spiritual perception of self (such as Kaladin at the end of RoW), have also added a few elements...

But, I mean, other than that this is nothing like the Cosmere!

[Ookla she/her]

I'm back!

This is from a project titled Savage:

Spoiler

Prologue
To Die

    Bernadette clawed her way up the steep mountain slope, eyes squeezed shut against the burning light of the sun, finding her way by the keenness of her nose and the rocky trail beneath her paws.This would be so much easier as a human, with a rope and grappling hook.
    But she wasn't human, and hadn't been so in a long time.
    Just... keep... going, she snarled at herself.
    She swore violently as a rock slipped away from the trail at her grasping paw and almost sent her tumbling back downslope. But there wasn't time to wait for nightfall. The Turning was taking her, ever more swiftly. By nightfall she would be dead, and she had to hide this last journal.
    Felina needs to know.
    Bernadette howled as she reached the top of the climb, a triumphant sound from deep within her chest. She hauled herself to her feet and stumbled onward, up a slight rise, and into the cool depths of a cave. Here I am! She would have shouted the words if she could have, but only a few spoken human words remained to her. She would prefer to speak not at all than to use the guttural, beastly speech her body wanted to force her to use.
    She shook herself as she stepped into the cave and slung her pack off her shoulder. Not much time. Not much time. The Turning sought her heart, and she had one more journal entry to write. One more. The one where she revealed all. Only Felina could receive this information, only Felina could stop the horrible crimes that had been committed against them all.
    Bernadette tore her pack open with one swipe of her claws. There wasn't time to fiddle with the buttons, for all she'd done so closing the blasted thing up this morning. She dug out the journal, a sheaf of pages she'd pressed herself, bound in leather she'd tanned with her own hands, written in with quill and ink she'd trimmed and mixed alone.
    She tossed the journal on the ground and dug for her pen and ink.
    The trembling returned in a fit, and Bernadette fumbled with the inkpot, then swore again when it slipped between her clawed fingers and crashed to the floor.
    Whatever. She'd write out of the puddle. There wasn't time to worry about more than that, not with the Turning so close. It would kill her before she completed her mission, if it could. But as fast as the Turning was, Bernadette had been faster so far. She could outrun it one last time.
    But with the trembling in her paws so strong, the quill was unusable. She tossed it aside and dipped a claw into the ink, pressed it to the paper, and wrote. It was an untidy scrawl, so different from what she'd done up till now, but it would have to do.
    This is my final entry, she wrote. One I must write swiftly, before the Turning finishes what it has started. I have learned the truth, Felina. The full truth.
    The Turning is no disease. It is a parasite. A worm, spread by the sages themselves at the Inspection, placed into the body through the forehead when they place the Mark in lines of fire...
    Bernadette growled as the trembling took her again, turning one of her letters into a wobbly, diagonal line instead of the script it was supposed to be. The cure, she thought, gripping her wrist with the other paw to try and hold her hand steady. I must record the cure. The only way I could have saved myself. But it's too late now.
    The cure is here, she wrote. Look into the water. Use my other clues.
    No time left.
    I love you.
    Bernadette allowed the ink a few seconds to dry, then snapped the journal shut and scooped it up in one arm. She tore her pack open with her free hand and whipped out the waxed canvas she'd brought, wrapped it around the journal as best she could, and tied it with a piece of twine wrapped round it a few dozen times.
    Then she got to her feet and rushed to the back of the cave. She could feel the Turning inside her chest, eating its way to her heart.
    Cursed parasite.
    Bernadette stowed the package in a small crevice in the back wall of the cave, where it would be visible only to the eyes of someone who already knew to look for it.
    A spike of pain shot through her, from her heart down to her toes, and she roared her pain in a series of infuriated expletives. You take my life from me, Turning! She thought. But now I set my plan in motion, to take yours from you! I will have my revenge on you!
    The pain intensified, and Bernadette's vision grew blurry. Her knees buckled beneath her, and she clawed at the wall, desperately trying to stay upright.
    But it was of no use, and Bernadette sank to the floor.
    At least after I die the worm inside me will die, if not the full Turning. This one knows its end is near.
    She closed her eyes, breathing through the pain, ignoring the dizziness that came as the worm devoured her heart and stopped all bloodflow through her body.
    A few moments later, she was dead.
    Dead as anyone could be.

Let me know what you think!