Prologue Feedback Request

[Lunamor she/her]

I've started to try and write a novel (and hopefully not ditch it this time!). So far, I've completed the prologue, and would really appreciate some feedback on how it could be improved. I'm not sure if it is too short or not. It's meant to serve as a hook that will later be explained by the mystery surrounding a core element of the plot being solved.

(Spoilered for length)

Spoiler

Prologue

Wake.

A man awoke to terror. He sat up in bed, eyes scanning across his room. All he could see was darkness. That was normal, as it was the middle of the night. It didn’t feel normal. Something prompted him to get out of bed and look out of the window. He couldn’t see the empty streets he was accustomed to, the bench next to a lamppost where he loved to read when the weather was nice. There was only an odd white mist.

Leave.

He hurried out of his bedroom, tearing through his single-story home. The man still wore his pajamas, a simple white shirt and short pants. The remainder of his evening’s tea, now gone cold, sloshed within its cup on the kitchen table as he thundered by. He made it to the door, but skidded to a stop.

Leave.

He had forgotten his watch. He never left without it, so he scrambled back up the steps to snatch it from the bedside table. Stuffing it into his pocket, he made his way back to the front door. He opened it to find more thick fog. He stepped outside. The terror hadn’t gone away.

Run.

The man ran as fast as he could, his feet leading him to the west. The white mist floated around him, something that never should have gotten this close. As he dashed forwards, occasionally there would be breaks in the mist. Dark colors flashing by before returning to solid white. A small trail of emptiness followed behind him, disappearing before it became too noticeable.

Run.

The man knew that something was very, very wrong. He heard screams piercing the cold night air, a cacophony of fear-twisted notes. They were cut off unnaturally quickly, leaving silence instead of the echo he expected. Was something hurting them? Someone? Something inside of his mind was screaming too.

Run.

He didn’t crash into anything, even though he was blinded by mist. The man’s footing was sure and no obstacles blocked his path. Occasionally, he would take a sharp turn, presumably around a street corner. At one point, walls appeared alongside him. They closed in, threatening to crush him, before vanishing once more. Had that been an alleyway? It didn’t matter. He knew precisely where to step. He knew where he needed to go. Why did he know that?

Run.

He had always been a healthy and reasonably fit man, but his lungs started to burn, breathing becoming frantic gasps. On chill nights like this, his breath would have been visible in the air; tonight, it was hidden by the fog. He felt a searing pain stabbing his sides and his head throbbed. His whole body felt his heartbeat dully thumping, faster and faster. As he almost began to slow, he stumbled for the first time. The man had reached a sharp decline. He recklessly charged onwards, not caring if he tripped. If he didn’t move quickly enough, then he would die for certain. His speed increased.

Run.

He could now faintly see others running beside him. He heard panicked breaths, a young voice calling for her parents. Risking a short glance backwards, he saw that close behind him was a girl. All he could see through the heavy fog was that she was shorter than he was. He forced his vision forwards again. She suddenly stopped yelling. He didn’t turn around.

Run.

He eventually neared a small building, the white fog strangely repelled by it. Perhaps it had once been a house. It was in poor shape, but not so poor that it was in danger of collapse. Pieces of wood had peeled off of the sides. Only a few chips of paint remained clinging to its walls. The door was already open.

Enter.

He dashed within. The others fleeing with him followed. The structure was maintained better on the inside, but was devoid of any furnishings. Empty grain sacks lined the walls. In the center of the floor was a trapdoor.

Open.

He opened the trapdoor. It was silent, not a sound coming from the hinges even though they looked rusted over. A soft glow and hushed whispers emanated from the hole. A baby wailed, prompting its mother to shush it. Somehow, he knew that this was safety.

HIDE.

He began to place his foot onto the first rung downwards. Then he was gone.

 

[Weaver of Lies he/him]

Interesting intro, it is introduced intelligently. Sorry, I felt like making an alteration. I really like it, I’m excited to see more, what is the fog, what is wrong with the voices, did the man survive? To improve it…I’m not sure, it’s meant to be a hook and it does just that. Let me think some more and I’ll edit this if I have any ideas.

[Mr. Misting he/him]

Heck, that's fascinating. You've hooked me with that opening, so I'd say that's pretty good way to start. Especially as the central mystery, the prologue gives a lot of setup and intrigue to the mystery while still having nice momentum to keep people reading to the end of chapter. 

I like it a lot. Good luck not ditching it! 

As for feedback, I have two minor nitpicks that just depend on what you want to accomplish with the opening.

First, not naming the character. Not having a name works for giving a sense of large scale of the event and general confusion. But if this guy is the main character or someone that might show up later, I think giving him a name might clear things ups. Nameless character opening shots can be really cool, but consider the reasons why you are doing it.

Second, the directions after every paragraph. These were super interesting and in a lot of cases, really brought me back to the mystery. Like for example, "Something inside of his mind was screaming too. Run."  "His speed increased. Run." But maybe consider if you need them after ever paragraph. I thought I would be bugged by the density of them more then I actually was, but still maybe consider if you need that many and if so many should be run. 

[Lunamor she/her]

45 minutes ago, Ookla the foolish said:

Interesting intro, it is introduced intelligently. Sorry, I felt like making an alteration. I really like it, I’m excited to see more, what is the fog, what is wrong with the voices, did the man survive? To improve it…I’m not sure, it’s meant to be a hook and it does just that. Let me think some more and I’ll edit this if I have any ideas.

Ok, thank you for the feedback!

2 minutes ago, Mr. Misting said:

As for feedback, I have two minor nitpicks that just depend on what you want to accomplish with the opening.

First, not naming the character. Not having a name works for giving a sense of large scale of the event and general confusion. But if this guy is the main character or someone that might show up later, I think giving him a name might clear things ups. Nameless character opening shots can be really cool, but consider the reasons why you are doing it.

Second, the directions after every paragraph. These were super interesting and in a lot of cases, really brought me back to the mystery. Like for example, "Something inside of his mind was screaming too. Run."  "His speed increased. Run." But maybe consider if you need them after ever paragraph. I thought I would be bugged by the density of them more then I actually was, but still maybe consider if you need that many and if so many should be run. 

This dude is a random guy who won't be showing up again, so I think he's ok without a name.

I'll definitely consider reducing the amount of directions, that's helpful to know. Thanks for the feedback!

[The Sibling she/her]

10 hours ago, Lunamor said:

I'll definitely consider reducing the amount of directions, that's helpful to know. Thanks for the feedback!

It might help to add a bit of variety. There was a lot of Run but you could also add things like move or escape. Not sure if that works with the story though.

Otherwise I thought it was really good! I like your writing style.

[Lunamor she/her]

9 hours ago, Ookla the Sibling said:

It might help to add a bit of variety. There was a lot of Run but you could also add things like move or escape. Not sure if that works with the story though.

Otherwise I thought it was really good! I like your writing style.

That’s helpful, thank you!