3/4/2012 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Canticle and the Forge, Chapter 1

[LongTimeUnderdog]

In which we meet Karemoth . . . and he has a very very bad day.

[Asmodemon he/him]

First impression, long chapter. It brings to mind the concerns I’ve had with the previous iterations of the story as well, which is length. I’m afraid there is little in the chapter that justifies it being thirty pages long.

The excerpt at the start is a tantalizing opening. Then we get to Karemoth in the Hellfane desert. Right from the start there isn’t much of a connection to the prologue. The first chapter is so different it makes the prologue feel superfluous (at least until the story makes it clear what its significance is). Little to none of the terms you introduced there return and here you come with new terms, like ‘huuk’, or the Three (which refers to the three suns, but which the chapter only infers and never really makes clear).

The biggest concern I have though is that little actually happened in this chapter. The first thirteen pages, almost half the chapter, is focussed on Karemoth luring the dando. Which he does by standing still and letting blood drip on the sand. That is all that happens in those pages. The rest is information about Karemoth, his surroundings, his tribe, etc. Now I like Karemoth better than I did before, but it’s hard to keep attention when in thirteen pages Karemoth does next to nothing. The threat of the dando is also overshadowed by the slow pace.

After the dando breaks the sand things get interesting, all the way to the end. There are some smaller issues in the latter half, such as that even with a crutch, I don’t really see a cripple kicking his coat from the ground to his hand. There are other places where Karemoth is suddenly not so cripple at all, like when he pole-vaults. Now this doesn’t detract from the fact that the dando is a great creature and the fight, and the losses suffered, are good to read.

The way Karemoth slips the hooked ends of the crutch over the dando’s head doesn’t make it clear he’s riding the beast as it ascends. When he drops to his knees I thought he did so on the sand. It’s only later, when he’s sliding down the beast that I realize he was on top of it in the first place.

Another small thing is when you say “They were not beasts of blood like men or murts”, then you refer to the ichor they lose as blood anyway. This felt counter-intuitive the first I read of it.

When Karemoth sees the child he is anguished that he has to choose between the dando and the child, but I had the impression the dando was already dying. So I don’t understand what he has to choose between.

The end was a good one, he rescued the child, but with considerable losses – he knew the risks and did it anyway. So far Karemoth is a likeable character, but I don’t think it’s enough to keep attention going for the whole of the chapter, considering the contents. The first thirteen pages are a big drag on the pacing, which the latter half can’t completely make up for.

[LongTimeUnderdog]

You have no idea how good it is to hear from you. Thanks for the input.

[Asmodemon he/him]

You’re welcome, it’s good to critique your stuff again. You had some interesting things going on with the previous drafts and you don’t pull punches with your characters. I’m still really curious to see where you’re heading with this.