LongTimeUnderdog

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About LongTimeUnderdog

  1. The very begining is too wordy. And by very begining I mean the first paragraph. I think it would be much better if you gave us a bit longer section of him actually pacing instead of just saying "he' paced alot." As the paragraphs go on, the above theme continues. We are give a lot of information but it would be better to to deomonstrate this more within the text. Or as much as you can. the part of about the majordomo robably does require a bit more exposition then the rest, but generally, the whole thing needs more action instead of just listed events. some of the dialogue bothered me as well. Not because it was bad but because the word choices seemed out of place. Like a little too modern. but then I really don't know your setting all that well (this is chapter 8 after all) so maybe I'm talking out my ears. either way, I like the guard captain.
  2. There is so much cliche about this. From the bar fight to the "seeing the sister," I can't even think of where to start. But that's not helpful beyond its acknowledgement so I won't spend much time with it. Beyond the cliche happenings in the story the lines are bad. You have Roselin seeing her sister in place of Serissa. that's fine, but the fact that you mention in, directly, is not. By simply altering the name Serrisa with that of Rose's sister, the same point is made and the dialogue is suddenly made clever. Or at least more clever. there are a pervasive number of occurrences like this through out the whole piece. We as the audience can discern what is happening and don't need as much hand holding. The folks rose ends up fighting are simply called bruisers. Something more descriptive would be helpful, nicknames she gives them, or names they are mentioned as. Right now they are simply disposable bad guys, and frankly, boring. These kinds of descriptive names or however you end up doing it, can give us insight into Roslin's character some, as well as giving us something to do besides read what you want us to notice. My biggest complaint of all is that this chapter doesn't seem to actually go anywhere .. . . at all. We don't move anything forward, nor do we see there any meaning behind this chapter aside from Rose meets Serrisa. The fight is pretty cliche too and the moves and choreography don't really interest me much. As well, how did that guy get a sword into a bar like that?
  3. You have no idea how good it is to hear from you. Thanks for the input.
  4. Thank you very much for your input. It is much appreciated. Trying to find a good run that incorporates all the aspects I want into this little diddy has proven . . . more difficult then I hoped. The other complication I'm dealing with (or perhaps putting too much stock in) is a Point of View problem. As the world is unveiled to Traxix, things that seem very odd to us are very common place to him. "Yep, it's a flying Dais." This is some tenth incarnation of this prologue. I tried cutting it, and things were worse off (in my opinion anyway). So it's back. thank you again, and I look forward to more of your input.
  5. I find this story interesting, and I'm a sucker for a good heist. My first real issue is the word “conventional,” when talking about observations and things or tracking. When I hear conventional I think of the common “how to” of something. Conventional banking involves a bank with ledgers and interest and all that. Unconventional banking could be anything from burying it in the back yard to black market investments. So with magic people around to do things differently, both mundane and magic means seem like they would be . . . conventional to me. And then the word sleazebag. Maybe I'm coming in late on this, but this Lisu person is coming off as very . . . youthful . . . but the descriptions of her make her seem older and so I would have expected naïve, not . . . a child. Also, she sure doesn't act like someone who's thinking some guy is going to kill her, despite her mentioning it. If I thought someone was going to kill me, I'd be either more compliant with their requests or I'd be looking for something to stab them with. She takes no precautions during their whole conversation. Duko, but contrast, is entirely believable. He looks to keep control of the situation, to get everything his way. It seems to me the only reason he even gives the girl something is because that's just good business. It attracts more business. I like him. I like his “I don't blame” her attitude and I particularly enjoyed that everything still bugged him. He seems like a nice (not-nice) person, and that makes him interesting because I get that he's really not.
  6. In which we meet Karemoth . . . and he has a very very bad day.
  7. I wanna submit again. Please?
  8. It's nice to be back and thank you for reading. I never have quite figured out what to do with this prologue, only that it needs to be there. And not so much because of some awkward desire, but because of Traxix and Salem. I suppose several more drafts are in order to make it less confusing. Anyway, thank you for your input, very helpful.
  9. The Prologue to a story I insist on finishing, if for nothing else, practice.
  10. I wanna submit monday ... Please please please please!
  11. It's better then it was, that's for sure. The story, while interesting, suffers greatly from missed opportunities. To delv into what I mean by this a bit more . . . most of the opening narrative, describing the scene and the people, is essentially laid out for us as side notes. "She'd Done so instinctively . . ." is a good example of this. The details or the events do not play out for us. The PoV shrugs them off as if they are unimportant. We, as the reader, and not able to experience the fear or frustration Dias feels because the narrative glosses over these points. I'd post examples but the whole opening, until we meet Cook, is like that. Once we get to Cook, it feels like you've warmed up as a writer and NOW we're getting something fun to read. When we get to Cook we start to really meet Dias as a charcter and the girl, and those around them. WE see how he feels and how people feel about him. he is no longer dismissing the world and by connection, us the reader.
  12. Hello, You have no idea who I am and you have have never read anything I've written as far as I know, so in both instances I suppose you're lucky. Now onto your story. I hate mages. Mages, wizards, sorcerers, all that stuff. I swear every one with a female name (and thus, I assume a female author) tries mages and magic schools. It's old, and incredibly incredibly boring. But maybe I just hate wizards so I could be biased. No, probably not. The only thing more boring then wizards are elementalists (fire, water, air, you get it). Simply put, I didn't read the first chapter, but in the second, as soon as it said arcana and mage, I wanted to put it down. As to the characters I find them all snipity and backbiting. The more they go on about Meredith and how awful she is, the more I start cheering for Meredith. If that was your intention, good job. As to the Magic system brought up (or started) in this chapter: With things like Construction, Destruction, Artificing, and blah blah, I swear I've played that video game. Actually makes me think of Elder Scrolls, to be completely honest. The dialogue . . . is okay. It's not bad but I wouldn't call it good either. Since it's all just gossip and backbiting, I have trouble caring much for anything that they're saying. And I agree with Austin here, that we don't really have a sense for these characters since they're all just politically minded. Well we have that sense at least, but that's it. I mean, if I actually liked these characters, and found out the throne might be going to someone else, that would be something. but all I do know is if I were this country, I wouldn't want them for a ruler, I could be sure of that. The text itself is far to explaining. They did this, she is that. It feels as if you as the writer don't trust me as the reader. This is a good example of what I'm talking about. While it's nice to give us a single line to give us a place and mood, this feels more like stage directions then an actual opening of a chapter. something like: I don't know your actual intents with the character but something like the above, gives us a great look at the scene, or the more appropriately what we're looking at in the scene, and gives us a bit into the character that is Alena. It also sets us up well for when the sister comes in demanding to know more about what's going on. It posses the question of "why hasn't anyone started working on her crowing?" And then answers it with, "Because Meredith could have a baby boy, and that's quite conflicting for Alena." the stuff is all there for an interesting plot, but there is nothing new here and there is little presentation. We're given the facts and how they effect people and boo hoo someone might not have the throne they wanted. Too bad, sucker, is all I have to say on it.