“From what I’ve seen, people want to fit in while also standing out. Theoretically, that’s impossible, but I’ve seen a fair few individuals accomplish that task” – ‘S’ 

___ 

“Unfortunately,” the nice teacher says, leading me to a classroom, “you weren’t put in a class with your friends.” I stay silent. Words usually have meanings, but I don’t understand these ones. I’m usually pretty good at understanding them, but the words “Please sit next to Treble” take a few seconds to decipher. I know no one. And no one knows me.  

_+_ 

I’ve been here for a week, and I haven’t talked to anyone. They all bubble around this girl, Treble, laughing, shouting, having fun. I want to do those things. I want to be able to easily laugh without looking weird and exist without judgement. I want to be them, having fun without consequence. I want to be Treble, in the middle of it all, experiencing everything. But that’s not what I am. They all know me as the weird girl with the weird name. Well, at least I can study in peace. 

_+_ 

“At this school, we have a partner system for study. Students will be paired, and they will work together for class. We’ve tried to put you with your friends to the best of our ability….” The words of the teacher are drowned out with the sounds of my classmates. Panic, fear and excitement fill the room. It’s stifling. “…Treble and Ekfriril. Go sit in your pairs” Oh no, this wasn’t supposed to end like this. Now everyone’s looking at me. Just kill me already. I see the whispers, the stares, the snarls. Please get me out of this. 

“Now, now, quiet down. Your first task for today is….” I zone out the teacher’s voice as I think about my dilemma. I could just ask for a partner switch, like any normal person, it would stop the stares. But didn’t I want this? 

_+_ 

At lunch, it takes me a few minutes to find my friends, and it takes a few minutes for them to notice me. They’ve all made friends, predictably, and are chatting away. I can’t find Ral, probably away sick, so I just sit there, watching. 

_+_ 

Treble speaks before I do, “Hi Ekfriril.” We’re sitting on a bench outside, with the instruction of ‘getting to know each other’. Treble sounds shy, with a very different demeanour that the one put on during class. She smiles. I frown, what does she want? “Yes, my name is Ekfriril, I thought we already established that.” And she laughs. I laugh. We both laugh. Maybe, for a second, I knew that getting close to Treble was a bad idea, that it would just lead to more pain than it was worth. After last time. But I just keep on laughing, and the pain goes away. 

_+_ 

Sometimes, people unconsciously gravitate towards others. Whether it’s because they release secret pheromones that the rest of us don’t know about, or because they have a good personality and qualities, it’s definitely nice. Treble is one of those people. During lunch one day, I saw like, six people walk up to her and ask to be her friend. But these types of people don’t usually seek out people, they usually have them come to them. You can even sometimes see their annoyance when the people they want to come don’t. One of those people, is Ral. 

_+_ 

Bliss is the only word that I can use to describe the last few weeks. I’ve become closer to Treble, and she’s gotten close to me. I’ve made other friends, like Katalri and Marcha. I haven’t seen my old friends (besides Ral) in a while, but that doesn’t matter. Everyone at this school knows me as Ekfriril, Treble’s friend. And I’m happy. And that’s all that matters. 

_+_ 

Once, Treble asked what my favourite colour was. It was grey. She called me depressed. Grey has so many shades, and complex depth. That’s why I like it. I told her that. She still called me depressed. A few days later, she called me depressed again. And again. And again. Now it was my thing. I was Treble’s depressed friend, Ekfriril. My slightly long bangs weren’t helping my case. That’s fine. This is fine. I don’t care what they think. I can be depressed for her.  

“Your name is a bit complicated and hard to say. Why don’t you get a nickname? How about Eki? That sounds nice.” Eki. I hate that name. That’s what they called me. I start to get nauseous. The schoolyard is spinning around me. Deep breath. You’re not there anymore. Treble is staring at me, oblivious of what is happening. No. Not at me. At Ral. He knows. “Ekfriril needs some water, she’s a bit dehydrated. We’ll be right back.” Treble looks displeased. Only slightly though, so Ral doesn’t notice. He takes my hand and nearly drags me to the water taps around the corner. By the time we get there, I’m already in tears. 

_+_ 

It's the next day, and I still don’t feel better. The nauseous feeling is still stirring in my gut, ready to pounce at any second. And it’s found its target. Lettie, Amelia and Tally turn the corner. I thought they went to a different school, why are they there? “Um hello? Tally says, “Could you give us directions to the front office? We’re the new exchange students.” They don’t recognise me. Good. I cut most of my hair off last year. I didn’t want to have even one thing in common with them. “Around 100m forwards and then to the right. I have to go-” I quickly push past them, feeling sick. They just stare at me, and I think Amelia recognises me, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. All my memories come bubbling up, as well as the vomit. 

_+_ 

A PE class finds me on the outskirts of the oval, drinking water and crying. In the nurse’s office, the nurse asks me if I’m okay. I say yes. She asks if I ate something funny. I say maybe. She asks if something happened. I say no.  

_+_ 

In the next few weeks, I see them everywhere. In the yard, in the hallways, in my nightmares. Being ‘Treble’s depressed friend, Eki’ doesn’t help either. Maybe, I should stop caring about the nickname; it’s not the same people using it, so it doesn’t mean the same thing. Right? Nothing matters but Treble. I confided in her. She listened. She cares. I don’t want to tell Ral, don’t want to bring up the memories. I didn’t even realise how I was acting until Ral noted it. “We haven’t hung out in a while. You’ve become too popular for dear old me.” He mused dramatically while eating his lunch. “So, what about… Saturday 4pm? Like old times.” 

“Sorry I’ve got plans.” I say. Mall trip with Treble and her friends. They’ve always been crazy, and that’s what I love about them. The unpredictability. The chaos. Something that I never had with Ral. I see him break a little. 

_+_ 

This morning is different from the others. Treble walks towards Ral instead of me. “Ral! You should come with us shopping this weekend! It will be SOOO fun!” Ral smiles. He nudges me and says “Looks like we’ll be hanging out this weekend anyways. Sure Treble.” It’s. Happening. All. Over. Again. But I don’t say anything. What is there to say anyways? 

_+_ 

After the mall trip, I remember. Last time it happened, last year, I made myself a promise; to not do it again, to not go through all the pain. At all costs.  

_=_ 

*a few weeks later* 

Not much has changed. People still swarm towards Treble, and she keeps being her usual self. I’ve done a good job at disappearing; no one calls me ‘Treble’s depressed friend’ anymore. No one calls me much anymore, besides Marcha. We’re friends now, probably the sole good thing to come of that. I’m happier now, I don’t have to rely on Treble for that anymore. I’m not her ‘study buddy’ anymore. It’s all better now. 

But sometimes, I look to the side of the room, where Treble is, happy and socialising, and wonder how my life would be if I’d kept being her friend.