jagabond

Moving Parts is cool, I'm a fan of keeping Clockwork in there to keep the connotation. I like "Like Clockwork", it has the meaning of things operating like clockwork, but also "similar to" in that they're not strictly one --punk style, referring to Mandamon's point. And because it implies everything is going smoothly when of course it's not

As far as titles go, "Caffeine" seems like a solid bet, given the role it plays.

A very cool story. This is the kind of thing I saw a lot in the slush pile, and while I try not to dictate the length of these things: I think it's a bit too short. The ending element of caffeine and the character dynamics are worth fleshing out. It's not even a criticism, really, I just want more. I also was expecting some symbolism between his boss using his full name/last name, and him not being himself, so I wasn't sure where you were going with "You call me Mr. Atticus". There are so many places you could go with it. The caffeine, the dynamic, the desire of the slug itself. As is, it's a tad on the short side--just enough to convey its idea and get out--which always makes me sad. The protag deviates from his role too quickly for me to care what it is, and his boss is in and out of the story because of its length, so I wasn't really sure what job was being done here.

I like the "When you" rhythm of "Showers". As someone with a filing job (about to take the shower before going into work on Monday), I'm right with you there. I will say that there are some awkward lines. "you've partied just a bit too much" and "she just dissed you for no reason" felt out of the tone (the word "just" is a word for me that creeps in a lot, and in many cases I find can be cut without trouble). The last big paragraph seems a bit contradictory though. You're crying, so your life is interesting, alright, sure. But you're afraid for your life (because of war? aren't you in the mandatory filing position, though?) and there's a weeping girl thrown in with no context. It feels like there's supposed to be buildup to the fact that the second person is in the army, but it's a bit thrown on, and the previous paragraphs could apply to anyone, so a few context clues could fix that. I will not try to touch the poetry. Nope, not a good idea. Bad things happen when I try to dissect poetry. Flashbacks to Intro Lit, hours spent discussing single images. Oh God... But hey, something different!

I read the story before reading your comments, so I'll adjust knowing it's an intended novella. I am very hard on prologues. It's hard to tell their relevance to later in the story, and usually the one thing they showcase is something I feel could be given better exposure. I felt that a bit here, but again, I don't yet know what the story is "about", so I'm optimistic. The only lines that really bothered me were "preserve her ample modesty" and "generous hips". In Chapter 1, none of the three similar-feeling men are described like this. So details like this never seem necessary to me. As for Chapter 1: We have Lufmatho, Matwess, Thredur, and the capital, and of course they're all on the map. We also have Levali, which I realize on a second look is the festival they mention. A lot of names to keep track of, as well as three shifting POVs, not counting one from the prologue, in about 13 pages. I'm fine with obscure first chapters, but I never quite got grounded in any of them. It won't be until I read the next pages that I can cement any of these events or characters in my mind. Covelle, Ghintor, Bentam blur together a bit, except one is a hero, one is a harbormaster, and there's some trouble on the docks. My real critique, though, is the language. Not the prose, which is solid. But the vernacular, the dialogue, and turns of phrase felt different for the sake of being different. I understand you're doing a challenge that demands quick words, but the general atmosphere of the world feels a bit ad-libbed, in order to sound like its own place. The magical interlude felt vague, and I'm sure it's cool and important, but without something to really grab on to, it feels a bit too familiar. So, with too many proper nouns blurring together, and a strange fantasy dialect, I wasn't able to really get drawn in to any one part of the story. The prose is fine, and I see glimpses of things I can probably get into, but thus far my main problem is that there isn't enough of any one thing. For the first 13 pages, this isn't a big deal. But if this work is at 30,000 words, I wonder if it needs so many shifting POVs and different threads starting at once? Curious, indeed. Bring on chapter 2!

Hey, chapter 1! Overall I liked it, but I really think you'd benefit from starting with the action, with the couple arguing and the guy being taken away. It's visually interesting and it lets you show off Candace's skill, fear, and curiosity. It's well-balanced, but I feel like it would be more accessible if her many observations were wrapped around the action. "Being attractive left her in the peculiar class of women who were assumed untouchable by most men." This, I think, could be worded a little better... We have Seth's interest in her to tell us she's attractive. Later in the chapter, the woman she helps comments on her looks as well. Those might be enough. I dunno, something about the untouchable comment seems to run counter to her constant fear of being noticed. Maybe the wording just doesn't sit right with me. Which, finally, is my main concern. I was expecting a little more display of why Candace is bad (being called a "bad girl" is a touch cheesy). We have, at the end of chapter 1, a tattoo, an eye for curious detail (want to see more of this, clever characters are always fun), and a vague mentioning of a rap sheet, with a few hints of what she did. But I feel like a strong intro chapter would include an example of both sides of her behavior, not just the sympathetic ones. Especially given that ending! The only other noticeable thing I'd say is watch out for your dialogue takes and action. Sometimes you just have to let the dialogue flow, maybe cut back a little bit on Candace reacting to everything that's said. I'm glad I read it. You're really good at keeping a flow of information. I can never just give character thoughts like this, I show way too much. There's a lot of good telling in here, which is good, given how long we'll probably Candace's head.

I'm a bit torn. We learn a few interesting worldbuilding details about life as a slave, and yet the girls have escaped that life far too easily. I'm not a grimdark kind of guy, but I agree with Asmodemon: these girls do not seem like slaves. The dude with the purple hair is introduced as an Other to the girls, but maybe the girls could be the unusual ones, and he's part of a normal, functioning world? Just an idea. What was the big secret behind why the guards weren't showing up? Was someone helping them escape, was it the fruit? Or did they not show up because the plot needed them to not show up? Benefit of the doubt implies the noble masters will have some kind of vengeance, otherwise you could turn the plantation into the girls living with a crappy relative and no major change. I was hoping for a bigger struggle, or a climactic scene to say farewell to what I imagine would be a source of enormous anxiety to them. Part of me is expecting that this new guy will take them somewhere and it turns out to be a bleak situation, or the work they have to do is totally out of their depth, because they haven't much struggled yet. But I don't have a good grasp of what that depth is; I don't know their level of competence. Critical as I am, I like the story. I like the world, and the magic is cool with some great nuances...but I'm not quite as immersed as I'd like to be. I will definitely keep reading, because the characters are good and I'm curious to see where they go. But even if their destination is solid, the first steps of their journey are a little too easy for me to feel scared for them, and thus I'm not cheering them on so much as just watching.

If apples and fruit are magic enough, you can keep them as common nouns. A reader will be able to pick up on why the fruits are special, I think, just by character reactions and good worldbuilding. I liked the setting and, as others have said, the stakes are introduced right away. A good amount of detail on the nobles and worldbuilding without drowning the reader, too. Prose was smooth and well-paced. What I really liked was how Kisare gets the final swing of momentum and encourages Bel, who is the reason they're out there despite Kisa's reluctance. Shows a good dynamic. However, while it's true that the conflict is right there, slaves are hard to do well, I think. There are a lot of fears I bring to the table with two young(ish?) women protagonists at the mercy of potentially cruel nobles. But there's a great opportunity to show what they have to fear in different, exciting, still terrifying ways. Power dynamics and social structure are ideal for worldbuilding. You made the world feel different and creepy, so I'm eager to see you capitalize and dig deep with it. I generally agree that they didn't feel like slaves, so I'd like to see a sharper, clearer grip on the stakes. I want to want these two women to escape. I also want to be goddamn terrified of what happens if they screw up. I'm not quite there yet. Their entire lives are defined by imprisonment and control. I want to feel more of that. Looking forward to the next chapters!

I've got something to submit for the upcoming week!

If this is a short story, I think you'd be better served grounding the audience a little more in the world (and the 'why') earlier on. I wasn't sure if Joan knew what she was doing. She goes into the place not knowing if she has to pay, and has no money? Are we meant to know what's going on, or be confused? I liked most of the dialogue and language. They did well conveying a sense of distance. For nitpicks: the bouncer guy speaks with "warmth", but as if he's talking to a foolish child. That image doesn't evoke warmth to me. Also there are a handful of compound sentences that might work better with semicolons or as separate statements, but that's all up to your discretion, of course. Overall, while I understood what was going on, the lack of knowing Why is really what bugged me. What does Joan want, why can't she get it (or why is she at this place to get it), and what is this place like?

But what if the bowler hat was the actual target??

Because he was here to kill a man. Bam, great. "Once they knew what he was, they would make sure he died and stayed dead. Assuming they lived long enough to make the realisation." This seemed a bit awkward to me. I know what it's saying, but it could serve to be cleaned up a bit. I know you're establishing who knows what about the situation, and in that case telling is fine over showing, but you want to be aware of the info you're releasing. If Ben knows what his enemy knows that he knows... those are things that will come out naturally. "His target was still a no show and Ben had been waiting the best part of half an hour." The earlier we know this (especially before telling us what Ben's doing to prepare for his target), the better. Chokers/Arsonist are capitalized but whisperers is not? "No wonder Giovanni was such a difficult man to kill; the ability to make people love you against their will was a hateful ability and in fact the reason Ben had been hired to do this job." Could maybe take out the hateful part. Even though it's Ben's opinion, I think the sentence flows more smoothly by saying, Ben was chosen because this dude is forcing love on people. It's a weighty sentence all on its own. "Giovanni was a well loved man but hated in equal measure by the people he had not yet met." Like right here, this shows us exactly how his ability functions, and it's a great way to sum it up. "A sharp crack to his shoulder signalled the meeting of Ben’s body with the shop wall." Sounds a bit wordy, to me. Aw yeah, token fedora. Without which, he would not be Ben Chance, I like it. If preparation is so key to an assassination, why does Ben have only one move against his opponent, which, if it fails, he has failed? I don't understand exactly why he can't have a sniper as backup, though. Or find a way to kill him and then burn his body so as to be unrecognizable? Of course it's entirely your narrative, man, but his preparation mantra clashes with the fact that, 1) he does not like leaving things to chance, and 2) he walks away. It's okay for a mantra, but his final actions contradict it. That's my only issue with it, though, aside from the small technical suggestions. I like the flow and style, and your worldbuilding is good for a prologue. We know enough to intuit what's going on, maybe too little, but the eager reader will want to know more. And I think for the most part your prose is solid.

First time editing on my chromebook, and zoho docs bifurcates the map in so many ridiculous ways... I have not lent my comments to all the chapters, have not had that thorough a time, but I also wish you the best, man. I believe in the story. I will say that the exposition in the beginning is much better, like I've finally found the rhythm. I don't feel positively swamped in unnecessary detail. Teimen seemed pretty cool, though I've no problem with him dying if it serves Saffen's turn. But you have a couple scenes where, as andy said, you could throw in some dialogue that supports it. Get the reader asking themselves, will she do it, and she clearly has reasons to do it and not to; if you highlight those right before the fight, you've got great tension that will lessen your need to have cool fight scene direction. The fighting was a little busy, yeah, but my eyes gloss over fight scenes these days anyway. I don't know how common that is, but it's rare to see a drawn-out battle that's important with every parry.

Minor grammatical note, when italicizing your character's thoughts, you want a comma before "Eve thought", not a period. The opening could be trimmed down or maybe even cut. We're told about the empire and its rules and Eve's place in it, and it feels like showing dressed up as telling, if that makes sense. You can dive right into the fact that Eve has stolen something from a rich person in her monotone world, and the reader can put in the details themselves. Same with the Judge; if we know our protag is a thief, the fact that she's avoiding someone called a Judge allows us to paint the picture in our head. In general, I'm unsure how to feel about it. I didn't learn much, other than Eve had to abandon her most recent thieving job because her world is under attack. I think it would benefit the reader to have more concrete ideas, like how she's paralyzed at the end. I assume the Enforcer stopped chasing her because of the ensuing chaos, but I'm not sure. So as a prologue, I'm not sure what it's trying to accomplish. As an introduction to Eve, or to the mundane world being torn apart, or to some random threat, I would have liked to know more, but the bulk of the description gave me a lot of info without much to really sink my teeth into, you know? I wouldn't say it's boring at all, but a tad unfocused.

Neat ending! I am getting steadily more invested as I read on. I'm posting from my phone during lunch break so no wall of quotes today. I think you could cut a bit of the dialogue, maybe even weave some of the opposite POV sections together and get the action going sooner. I generally agree with andyk; if you plunge us in and keep the dialogue short and important, you'll get that sense of immediacy that youre summoning. I'm still not a huge fan of the dialogue, insofar as I'm not able to see when something is banter or a joke, but I think that may be a matter of taste?

Thanks so much for all your comments, folks. I have a much clearer picture of the story now. I think Mandamon put it best: I'm keeping too much of what's obvious to me in my head. I regret that I haven't been able to give as much as I've received, so next week I'll try to double down on returning critiques! This is a whole different animal from slush reading. It's been a long time since I've been in a critique environment, but I'm glad I joined up. Robinski: Your guesses were on the money, for the most part! A lot of the ideas run together. But I can understand that my writing sometimes asks the reader to work harder than it's worth, and I do tend to make prose "poetic" for its own sake when I can get away with it (usually can't ). So I appreciate you going back as you did. As for Choi, Sejin is his first name. Originally I had their dialogue reflect that Marco and Choi were close friends, I took some of that out so maybe I didn't make that dynamic clear enough? I wonder if the name is too Korean, or there's too much shoehorned diversity with the names.

Yeah man, I was actually going to request to read it since I'm curious of how much I ascertained from these chapters stacks up to what chapter 1 entails. Go ahead and send it my way

I tried to keep my nitpicks to areas where the reason behind the comment served a larger purpose. I could follow it, and there's potential for gathering momentum here, but needs a little tightening in the mechanics. Really, I would have liked to see more happen; like last time, there is a description of events currently happening, but I don't feel like they're happening to the characters, just around them. I see why Kara's intro was the most relevant, but maybe add something in to indirectly connect her to other characters? A half-page snippet of her being off her nut is fun, but some local physical detail could do a lot to expand character (like walking past a case where there should've been a gun, or an offhand remark about a skiff falling from the sky). "Isaac finally turned his flashlight on, and Jaime was able to turn his glasses to another setting. Now, he scanned for a way out." 'Finally' and 'now' are words you really want to avoid when commanding your pace. "Anyway", "still", etc. "Vibali stuck out her tongue and brought out, once again, her tablet, which she expanded to the size of a moderately sized window." Repetition with "size". There's a handful of these micro descriptions which take away from the flow. You can let the reader judge how big the tablet gets if it's the size of a window. This is a minor nitpick, to be sure, but I see enough of them in the prose to mention it. I'm super guilty of it, too, wanting to address every detail. I didn't get the suave/hijab joke. Or the one about ribs in their second segment. In general I find it hard to click with those two, since all we get of the dynamic is iffy humor. I'll second andyk about their "Skynet" exchange being a little drawn out. The description of the gun as an open to Emily's section? Totally cool. The idea that she's got so much emphasis on her grandfather's entirely custom sidearm is a great character note, and it sets a cold, determined tone for Emily to fill. Really effective (although maybe a tad too long in detailing how she cares for it). And then, yup, she's doubtful. Saw it coming but that doesn't mean it's bad. Does take away from her badassery though, so I'm actively interested in how she comes along. This is helped by her being the first POV of chapter 2, which was my introduction to the story. It seems pretty disingenuous to have skiffs falling from the sky and blaming the majority of death during an apocalypse on sheer human stupidity! I still have a hard time syncing with Jaime. Is he an experienced, jaded soldier of some fashion trying to save someone important? Is he goofy and cheeky? The characters he's interacting with aren't helping to flesh him out, and that's the biggest problem with his scenes. There was a lot more I liked in this chapter, so it's definitely picking up.

The flashbacks were pretty experimental, yeah. I'm trying to see what can be thrown out as me being all stylistic and whatnot, and what works as narrative. That's a real interesting point about too much dialogue. The first form rejection I got (for a different story admittedly) told me how my scenes were too short, too much like snippets. I didn't pad these scenes, per se, but I tried to make the conversations feel real and full. Fortunately there's plenty of room to trim them if needed. I'm often told I cut *too much*, so I try to leave a lot in . Will definitely work on condensing and streamlining; pacing is still my biggest struggle. Thanks a bunch hawkedup, I'm glad you enjoyed what you did.

Still going mano a mano with this quote feature... so screw it. Fairies Are Dicks is a good title if it's not repeated in-story, but inferred. Sort of acting as the unspoken last sentence of the story, but that might clash with the tone? I think you can start with "So", I've seen enough unconventional story openings that it didn't bother me. I think it sets up the casual tone right away, and "it was the first Saturday" is slightly more dry, IMO. Most of the issues I had are things I think you'll catch on a reread. Tightening and merging sentences, etc. I had just fed the last quarter into the slot when I and heard a strange noise come from the coin return. Active voice, yo! It's your best friend in a piece of this tone and length. "Your ride? You've got wings. What do you need a ride for?" I was pretty pleased with myself for taking all this in stride. Still, maybe that was a question. the story does a good job avoiding the pitfall of disbelief in the face of the supernatural, so the less attention you call to the weirdness, the better. "Class?" I repeated. No way I'd heard that right. "What, you mean like night school?" Dialogue can express the incredulity fine on its own, here. Upgrading? Pinball machine upgrading? Is that a specific thing? Sidenote, this seems like a great opportunity to give us a glimpse into the depth and modernity of the fairie world, so that might help establish the magical realism atmosphere. "But what's a pinball machine need a fairy for, anyway?" The word sounded weird, saying it out loud.' Same as above, with calling attention to the weirdness. She shrugged. "The twentieth century. Lot of good jobs on this side. Arcades and computers and quantum physics." Twenty-first century, yeah? Also, not sure where quantum physics fits into this. Are the fairies manipulating time and space? Or does science give them a hard time? That's something I'm not clear on. -- In general, I liked the idea and the tone was consistent. Ending wasn't all that satisfying, I think because it's one conversation with little action, so it's pure char development. Not saying you need to make it longer or shoehorn in some extra scenes, but the metaphors that connect the characters don't get a lot of attention. Definitely solid for an early draft, and worth writing to completion. I'd say try to draw out more of what makes the fairie part real.

Hey folks! First submission! Hope the email went out alright; I noticed I forgot to tag it L for language... and to put my username on the file. Whoops! Hope that doesn't inconvenience anyone. It's been recently revised and I'd like to send it out, but I'm having trouble really making it pop. I've only had a couple pairs of eyes on it, and one structural beta read. General coherence, issues with characters and flow, and of course merciless evisceration are all wholly welcome. You guys are great with your comments, so let's do this!

I have something this week as well! If there's time enough to add me to the list. No problem chilling out another week otherwise.

Dat map! I have not read previous chapters, and other comments have been good—jParker is particularly on the money—so I'll try to give new feedback When you're editing, I would look for all the times you use "of course" in your dialogue. I think you could lose them pretty easily. The info and POVs gave me some trouble, but it was the little things that shook my orientation. There would often just be "the man" or "a man", and I was never sure which to mentally remain aware of. The relevance of the minor characters' actions fluctuated a bit. It makes the world feel full, surely, but you might be able to sweep some of those away without losing that. I see a handful of commas to break sentences that might be better broken with em dashes or semicolons: "The prisoner, Damiel did not have the confidence in him to think of him as Tekis or Lyrss, started to speak when the first of four bells sounded" Maybe an em dash would work there? I mean these are minor stylistic things, but they could help readability. This confused me a bit. Unheard heartbeats is a new one for me. Is that metaphorical or magical? If it's limited POV, are there heartbeats that he knows are there but can't hear? The words are real, because the characters respond to them, but the bell:heartbeat ratio seems like it's key to cracking this language, and that has me a little lost The glimpses of magic I can see through Damiel, though, I dig it. I like subtle, physical stuff, and someone in his line of work can make use of it. Reminded me a bit of the Farseer trilogy since that 'magic' was about mental sensations and communication. Lastly, I love me some thick fantasy, so the various names didn't bother me. I also know I'm coming in at chapter five, so I don't expect to have solid opinions on everyone. But I will echo that some POV trimming can do wonders. Or, at best, combining characters. That's just me though; in the early stages, I love fusing various characters together. Hope I was helpful. I definitely feel like there is a real world here, but even with the map I don't quite have my bearings yet, so we'll see!

I also enjoyed it, and also was not lost at all by coming in at chapter six, which is great. You have really solid dialogue and a knack for telling in the right places. Echoing other comments, it does seem like she made the deal a little too easily, although I liked how the god made sure to remind her of "her place". It worked well to confirm the discussion she was having about her role in the world. I'm not too hot on Rome, honestly, but I'm familiar enough with it and I didn't feel bored by the glimpse of politics and intrigue as I would have expected I might. But I would try fleshing out her father more. We didn't get a lot of him in this chapter, but when he returns to us at the end, I felt like my opinion of him should be more full. It probably would be if I'd read ch. 1-5, so don't worry about that too much. p. 1 – "She would be more content when they had found out who hired her attacked and she could leave the house without that scarred brute guarding her back. But first they needed to know whose purse had paid the assassin." I think you could combine these into a single sentence. Who hired her, who paid the assassin, it's the same thought, and the way the sentence is placed, I think it will have more weight as one quick statement. p.2 – Her hair fell across her face and she pulled it sharply back. It was annoying that elegance and practicality didn’t go hand in hand. She relished the responses her appearance could provoke, but did not want her femininity getting in the way of higher hhngs. Others have mentioned this line, but this feels like a bit of telling you could turn into showing. Maybe if she pull her hair back in annoyance? This works on the assumption that it's going to be a key part of her character, and while I haven't read the other chapters, unless this is the first time she's establishing that frustration, an action might work better. In fact, in general I think you could turn when you tell us she's annoyed/frustrated into actions, or just leave them out and let the dialogue tell us. The dynamic of the characters is great otherwise. Really like the discussion on decision making and Plato. It's not too long, it develops what it should, really I'm impressed. Totally digging this dialogue. Overall, solid writing for sure. I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to seeing more.

Since you're sending it out to places (good luck!) I tried to comment like I do on slush, although now I get to be thorough! General impressions first: I have two big issues with the story. First, I'm not sure what I learned. I know what Jorani can do and why, but it would be easy to have a one-sentence plot summary. There are a lot of nice images, and here the lyrical prose serves a purpose because the magic is song/humming, but beneath that, it's like Mandamon said, it feels too technical. Which leads to my second issue. There are a lot of weighty, almost--I dunno, writery?--sentences here. They're so packed, and it's that much more noticeable since you're using present tense. I think you could really benefit from a more liberal use of basic, small sentences. With present tense,, the momentum slows down with all these weighty descriptions. Having said that, I love the prose, and the world I saw glimpses of was totally awesome. Magic was great, too, and you never gave too much of how it worked away, so well done there. Now for the nitpicking! "Let them know the tiniest fraction of the pain they have poured like water upon the Rothani people." An interesting image except that pouring water on someone doesn't seem to go well with inflicting this deluge of pain (really minor critique). "So long as they fight she cannot bring herself to care." I think you could drop this line, actually. If her actions can show she's fighting for them, not caring about herself, we can intuit it. This paragraph is a good example of my problem with the story's flow. You're working with present tense, which is tricky, but you compound it with description. There will be one action, then active descriptions of how it affects Jorani. It makes her feel more reactive than proactive. "Fingers reach up and brush at the corners of her eyes," you could specify that it's her fingers. The reader will pick it up, but there's a moment of doubt that it's someone else. See, this is good stuff, I think. The earlier you can put this in, the quicker I will be engaged in what's going on. As it is, the opening feels too in media res for me. Her prayers to mother, her determination, can all come out in her action as she interacts with the environment. "She can taste the famine in the soup." -- This is a great line! "Such a simple thing, but she lives no better than an animal most days. With a hot meal, and a scarf freshly set? She is human again." The editor in me wants to combine the first and third sentence here, because "she is human again" says a lot of what you show. "They keep the sun and the moon from her, and she cannot tell whether it is day or night" The first half of this informs the second half, and does so quite well. I tried not to use the quote boxes for everything. Hope that's not too confusing